bereavement http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/caregivers/bereavement/1,0,122,150.htm Wed, 19 Jun 2013 00:00:00 GMT Wed, 19 Jun 2013 00:00:00 GMT http://backend.userland.com/rss RSS.NET: http://www.rssdotnet.com/ I really can't say where I been this month mostly in a fog and on some widow boards no sleep only about 3 hours a night .This sucks and I want my Larry back I look at his picture and ask him to come back I want and need him GOD THIS IS THE HARDEST THING IN MY LIFE. I never knew pain like this before I feel empty lost alone  I don't feel like my old self that person is gone now I am just empty inside . http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,72233,0.htm BAILY Sat, 15 Jun 2013 00:00:00 GMT My mum passed away in may 2013, I miss her so much. A few years ago we were told she had skin cancer, they removed it and I thought it was over, we all did. In September last year we were told it was back and everywhere, terminal. Sure they tried something's to slow it but it excelled. In the last few weeks she was bed ridden, it had gone into her brain and she was slipping away :( I still have these images and often have nightmares where she is there but looks like a cabbage. I'm 18 years old, I have an older brother and two younger siblings, and my dad loved her to pieces, we miss her so much and to be honest I think I'm still in shock. It feels like everything should be paused but life is still going on, and I don't think it will ever get easier. I found out I was pregnant after her funeral, she would have been so happy for me, it literally makes my heart hurt knowing she won't be there to see him or her http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,72252,0.htm StripeySocks Sun, 16 Jun 2013 00:00:00 GMT I don't know how everyone else feels, but why in the world does everybody I run into ask me how I am doing.  I mean what am I supposed to say? Do I say, "I'm doing fine, how are you?' Or do I just tell them the whole story...that goes like this.. I lost my world nine months ago..yes my Roger is gone. I get up every morning and go to work, come home and walk around this house looking at what used to be ours..I talk to or see our children everday, I function like I am still a human being but inside I am dead.  I cry myself to sleep and get up the next morning and do it all over again. I know this post makes no sense, but the one thing that I want more than anything in the world is to have what I had and that ain't gonna happen. I have my children, grandchildren, and a lot of close friends who just don't get it. I am sorry that all you guys are here, but at the same time I am thankful that you are.. because you understand. Thank you for letting me vent. Prayers, Hugs To All Of You Judy http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,72103,0.htm oakisland Fri, 07 Jun 2013 00:00:00 GMT   But it was time to move on .I will miss them but you must move forward I hope it will  be a long long time until there over on this board . I will be going to support groups and looking for a job to keep me busy .My Larry wanted me to go with life and live it to the fullest so I will .I am heart broke that he is not here with me to enjoy our retirement life together thats all we waited for. But the day will come when I will join him and together we will walk along together . I gonna to be looking for the foot prints in the sand to Larry and God to guide me .Hugs 2 u all  Debbie aka Baily http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71980,0.htm BAILY Wed, 29 May 2013 00:00:00 GMT Hello everyone, For now, I'm still part of the 'caregiver' forum. Watching my husband suffer through a GBM brain tumor is truly devastating... I think the only thing that gets me through each day and makes things 'ok' is the true belief that there's something 'more' after this life. The notion that, he's just such a wonderful person, that God granted him a ticket to the next place - I think it's far too soon but... But anyway, again, the idea and belief that there's more after this life is what comforts me and makes me think it will be ok... Eventually... I know all of you on this site are suffering and grieving. Obviously... :( And my heart breaks for all of you... I cry with each of you as I read your posts... And I can't even begin to imagine the grief I will soon feel... I was thinking... Maybe if everyone could share if they've had any 'signs' from their loved ones, it might help everyone? In my past, hearing about little signs of family or friends who have passed have been the most comforting thing... And I recall a year or so ago when I first came here, people posted some signs they got and my reaction was, 'oh, thank God!'... I think, an afterlife (or whatever you want to call it) is the ONLY thing that makes sense of all this suffering our loved ones have endured... Without the thought of an afterlife, I would definitely be a more depressed, sick and horrifically bitter person... :( Any stories anyone can share would truly be appreciated - I'm sure by everyone here... Wishing everyone peace and comfort, Sarah http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,72025,0.htm SarahGrey Sat, 01 Jun 2013 00:00:00 GMT Bereavement is the hardest thing a person ever has to deal with.  I have heard there is counselling for divorce, www.divorce.org.  Does anyone know of something similar for grieving spouses?  I'm looking for some online support to help me. I want to understand this better and avoid getting to the point where I annoy my friends because I am wallowing in self pity.   Any suggestions? http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,72084,0.htm flagoni Wed, 05 Jun 2013 00:00:00 GMT Today at 1pm makes 7 months since i lost the love of my life my world my everything we spent 31 years together and he died a little over 2 months before our 31st anniversary I miss him everyday and latley i sleep just to pass the time away Memorial day was hard he was a veteran and i had no grave to visit he donated his body and after 7 months they are still doing studies tomorrow will be a year that we got the awful news that the cancer went to his brain and it changed our life forever he went on hospice the 1st week in june and the end of october he was gone my life will never be the same without him in it and it is hard to go on but we have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other just some advice for the caregivers that want to walk away hang in there till the end no matter how hard it may be because once they are gone you can't take anything back and you only get one chance love them to the end and you won't have no regrets http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71991,0.htm angel1959 Thu, 30 May 2013 00:00:00 GMT I went to the doctor today for my husband's extreme pain in the abdomen and my yearly physical.  His pain may be nerve damage and she prescribed neuronton (sp.) and he is feeling better tonight!  First break we've caught in quite awhile. After he left the room we discussed my lab results.  I am 7lbs. lighter and all my numbers are healthier.  Yes, I cut down on portions. (not lettuce like Carolyn until she got her angel chef)  But the real difference is exercise.  I been doin' a bit and feel better. She then asked me if I needed antidepressants or more anxiety pills since my husband's condition has deteriorated quite a bit the last few months.   She said that while I am doing well physically, I'm still an ongoing, long time caregiver and that I have CHRONIC CAREGIVER SYNDROME. Symptoms are stoic, putting the patient first in all things and neglecting myself.  Caregivers can suffer frustration, paranoia, extreme sensitivity, angry outbursts and exhaustion among other things.  She asked me if I ever feel like yelling or crying. RAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I answered, "Every once in a while."   ;)   Hugs, KellyC http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71987,0.htm KellyC Thu, 30 May 2013 00:00:00 GMT The love of my life my best friend my husband Larry passed this morning I feel like I can't breath. We shared 25 years of a wonderful life together not only did we love each other but we like each other . I was awake most of the last few day's I asked God to let me be there to hold him as he passed. The nurse told me to get some rest and if any thing changed she let me know. I layed on the sofa about one a.m. next to his bed and the nurse sat in front of the bed .At two in the morning I awoke crying my husband dyeing  sobbing and sobbing. She put the lights on and I walked over to the bed my husband was slowing breathing I took his hand and  touched his face and told him of my love for him how happy my life was with him . I kissed his face over and over again He passed at three o five a.m. When he was gone I took his pillow and carried it around and cried and cried I miss him I can't breath at times due to my pain. Now the hardest part going on without you.  Larry I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU   Your loving wife and best friend  Debbie   aks     Baily . http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71762,0.htm BAILY Wed, 15 May 2013 00:00:00 GMT Today I picked up my Larry's ashes and I just keep staying out I didn't want to come home I never do anymore .   Debbie   aka Baily http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71901,0.htm BAILY Fri, 24 May 2013 00:00:00 GMT Hi Friends. Still waiting to hear the results of the biopsies taken last Friday for my granddaughter. While we wait, as they say... Life goes on. Both grands got awards this week for state scores. Then I have been in contact with another writer who wants to assist me in getting published. He is getting ready to start work on his 4th book. He has seen my writing and found the style very similar to his and would like to try a short novel with him doing a chapter and me doing the next. It's the first time I have felt excited in so long. I haven't even spent any days crying this week. As I look back at the past couple months I see how down I became even though I forced myself out to walk a couple of miles each day. Next month I will be accepting an award for NJ Wordsmith competition. I am sad Phil won't be there with me but it is one he read. I have a feeling he's been helping push things thru for me. So I find there is hope for today. Irene http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71030,0.htm eastwest Fri, 22 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT I lost my beloved husband and life partner from GBM IV on February 20th.  The hole in my heart just seems to grow, it's not getting any easier.  I seem to do ok at a new job, but at night, as soon as I go to bed, the crying starts, and I can't seem to control it.  It just goes on and on.  The pain of missing him is so great that my chest actually hurts and I have heart palpitations.  I miss him so much.  I pray daily that God will give me strength and wisdom to cope without the love of my life. http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71391,0.htm kim55 Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:00:00 GMT This morning our adopted Sister Frances call to speak to me about my husbands passing .She said I have recieved  a blessing . I am thanking God for this special gift . If you read Lost  below you will know what I am talking about .I just can't rewrite it again to painful.    Debbie http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71777,0.htm BAILY Thu, 16 May 2013 00:00:00 GMT It's been a little over 2 months since I lost my precious Zeb to GBM.  I started a new job 2 weeks ago, and I'm so thankful for that.  Hopefully it will help me become a little more independent.  I work at a beach resort, and it's very busy, intensive work.  While I'm there I do fine.  As soon as I start driving back to my son's house, (I'm living with him until I can afford my own apartment), I just start thinking about him and how we use to talk over our days, good or bad.  If they were bad, Zeb would make it all better with comforting words and plenty of unending love.  I miss that so much.  I miss him in every way possible.  I just want to stop crying so much.  It's just gotta get better than this. http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71476,0.htm kim55 Wed, 24 Apr 2013 00:00:00 GMT Dear Friends   Another year has passed. Sometimes it seems like forever and at other times it feels like it was just yesterday that Phil passed away. I ended up in the hospital for Easter down at my son's to cause some "mama drama". Thankfully it was not my heart as they thought at first but rather a severe gastric episode. I showed them that I can still do a good stress test.  My granddaughter's biopsies came back okay but now she will be having cat scans Friday as her digestive problems remain unsolved at this time.  Irene http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71256,0.htm eastwest Mon, 08 Apr 2013 00:00:00 GMT My sister had her first mammogram (in the UK) at age 50. She was told she had breast cancer and had a radical mastectimy. She seemed to sail through her surgical recovery and the chemo etc.  Last year, 6 years after the breast cancer, at around this time, she had a sore right upper arm and shoulder. She was told by her general practitioner, it was "frozen shoulder" and was given a cortisone shot by her doctor. The shoulder never really improved much and she was often very fatigued, poor appeite and she lost about 15lbs. The GP referred her to a rheumatologist for the shoulder. Several weeks later that doc did some blood tests, X ray and a CAT scan at some point. My sister, then age 56, waited 5 months for a diagnosis. Meanwhile she was still working, still feeling very unwell. She was finally told she had terminal kidney cancer! They could not do surgery, but would do chemo and radiation. In the days following, still waiting to to be hospitaized, she was in unbearable pain in her shoulder again and was unable to hoist herself out the bath tub one night. Her husband took her to the ER . She was admitted after it was discovered she had a brokjen shoulder, because the cancer was in the bone there and was destroying that joint! Surgery was done to the shoulder. She was told the other shoulder also had cancer in the bone. But they would leave that alone.She was given lots of drugs for pain and about a week later was placed in a (very nice) hospice-type facility in her hometown. The doctors there kept saying chemo and rdaiation would be done, but she needed to get stronger first. I flew to the UK and quickly deducted chemo & radiation was never in the cards. I think the doctors knew my sister would not live long enough to be given that treatment. She died three weeks later! What I don't understand, is WHY they tooks so LONG to make a diagnosis. I know the British medical system is a sort of "rationed" healthcare system. But surely they should have checked for cancers early on, when a patient already has a cancer history? Also, I would like to know, is it "normal" to have kidney cancer 6 years after breast cancer? I desperately want to understand . Please help?!  http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71479,0.htm Ann932dogs Wed, 24 Apr 2013 00:00:00 GMT I lost my best friend, and the love of my life on Feb. 20, 2013.  I haven't had the heart to write on this website for awhile.  Zeb died after a 28 month battle with GBM IV.  He never had a headache, or any other type of pain.  In that we were so lucky.  I just miss him so much, that I physically ache.  Our 38th wedding anniversary was April 6th, and his 59th birthday is April 16th.  I still can't believe he's gone and I won't see him again, until it's my time to join him in heaven.  I cry every single day until I can't cry anymore.  I've loved Zeb since I was 14 years old.  He is all I know, and all I want to know.  I've had the very best, why would I settle for anything else?   He loved me like no one ever will again.  We talked about everything and he settled my world down and made it ok.  I love him so much and miss him so much, that sometimes I feel I can't go on. http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71277,0.htm kim55 Wed, 10 Apr 2013 00:00:00 GMT My Husband died Oct 30, 2012 it has been 4 and a half months the first few i stayed at home did not want to go out or be seen inside my shell i was getting really depresed people said i need to find something to do i was not looking for a job and one came to me a month ago it has helped me i am taking care of a old couple the guy has cancer and hospice said he is declining and cancer is progressing she said by summer if not sooner it don't bother me to take care of him because it is a job and i give both of them the best possible care i just miss my husband he told me i would do good at caring for others and that i took good care of him we talked before he died and he wanted me to find a job stay busy and i understand why now not just for the money because he knew i would have to have income to make it the reason was he knew how hard it would be on me to lose him because we were so much in love 31 years together 2 kids and grandkids i lost a lot of sleep day and night to care for him and put him first because thats what i wanted and it was his wish that i care for him he even called me mom for years and i didn't mind we shared everything together and could talk about anything i sit on the porch at these peoples house today in the calm cool wind and spring is starting to hit me hard all the new life around me birds chirping flowers blooming and i felt my mind thinking of him and he is no longer here he loved spring and summer and being outside i just miss him like crazy I pray for all of us we can live a halfway decent life and mabey feel normal again we have all suffered so much of a loss and i pray for all you caregivers out there for strengh to help your loved ones through this awful journey  http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,70938,0.htm angel1959 Sat, 16 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT My husband passed in October, 2012 from brain cancer.   I cannot stop thinking about his last days here.   I miss him so much.   I need to know that he is okay now.. How do I stop hurting and crying so much?   How do I cope with this?   I see a therapist every 2 weeks.   She is wonderful but I cannot stop going to this website to read about others with this horrible disease.   Any words of wisdom? http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71213,0.htm Tonirolin Sat, 06 Apr 2013 00:00:00 GMT Hi friends I just wanted to wish you all a blessed Easter. We are still waiting for results of granddaughter's esophageal biopsies and test for celiac disease. Two weeks! Trying not to think pessimistically. But it's hard because of how these tests went with Phil 3 yrs ago this spring.saying it wasn't cancer when ten later at another hospital it is stage 4. My trust in the medical system went out the window that day. But God was good and we had nine months due to going elsewhere. Irene http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,71125,0.htm eastwest Sat, 30 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT Hi all. I am almost 9 months into this grief thing and I do think that things are changing.  I am not as debilitated by it as I was a few months ago.  However, I still have many grief moments and even grief days, but they are more like a wet blanket than a crushing sorrow. Yesterday was rough as it was our anniversary--I couldn't shake the wet blanket the whole day.  I am seeing improvement, though.  My sons, who are 15 and 12 now, tell me that they want me to stop talking and thinking about their dad so much.  Anyway, just wanted to give people some hope.  I am starting to look forward a little more, instead of always looking back.  I am starting to believe that God has some purpose for me still being here although the specifics of it have not been revealed (besides raising the boys!). God bless us all.  Hope others are feeling better also,  Sally http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,70929,0.htm loveiseternal Fri, 15 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT My 58 year old husband Joe passed away at 5:15 AM on July 21, 2011 after a very difficult 9 month battle with esophageal cancer with mets to the liver and lymph nodes. In those 9 months I watched my handsome, loving, energetic husband waste away to a weak, emaciated, frail looking shell of what he used to be. This coming Monday marks 18 months that he's been gone. I've had a lot of ups and downs since his diagnosis and death. When he first passed away I was numb for weeks and to be truthful I honestly don't remember much of the wake or funeral and the days after that. To be honest I think I was in a fog for a few months. I cried almost constantly. I cut back my work hours from full time to 3 days a week because I just couldn't handle climbing out of bed...sleep was my escape from reality. As it is I have to force myself to get out of bed even on my days off! I thought that I was doing better as time went on but lately I feel like I'm back to square one. I've been calling out sick a lot lately because I when I wake up to my alarm I just can't get up the energy to climb out of bed to get ready for work....I really do feel exhausted, headachey and sick. I've been working at my job for the past 16 years and up until Joe's illness I had a perfect work record. Now I feel like my job is in jeopardy because of my calling out so much.  On my days off I don't climb out of bed until 10 or 11:00 and I usually stay in my pj's all day. At night I shower and put on clean pajamas only to stay in them the next day....unless its a work day.  I watch a lot of tv in my bedroom which is not like me. Before Joe's passing I was not a television person now other then work, grocery shopping, vet app'ts and occasionally going out to dinner with one of my kids all I do is watch tv or sit at my computer. My question is does anyone else feel this way. I would have thought that after almost 18 months I would be better at coping. I don't understand why I'm backtracking emotionally. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder a few months after Joe died and am on 15mg of Lexapro. Joe was my soul mate and my best friend. The only time we weren't together was when we were at work. Other then that where ever Joe was I was always with him and vise versa. We just loved always being together. Now that Joe is gone I feel so alone and hopeless. I've had a couple of chances to go out on dates but I'm just not ready for that and doubt I ever will be. Joe was the love of my life and as lonely as I feel I don't want to be with anyone else. My heart breaks for all my CC friends when I read their posts. I know exactly how they are feeling and reading your messages brings me to tears. It's torture for all of us here to have to watch a loved one go through the treatments and suffering to try to beat cancer then to have to watch them wither away and lose their battle because the chemo doesn't kill of the beast. About the only thing that brings me comfort is the fact that I was able to care for Joe and keep him home so that he could pass away in the house he loved surrounded by his family. My job gave me from June to Sept 2011 off to care for Joe and try to get back on my feet after Joe passed away. The doctor I work for was Joe's primary care physician for the past 16 years and knew Joe well. He was a devastated when he heard that Joe's cancer was terminal. Now he expects me to be back to normal and go back to working full time!!! His exact words with "You should be over your grieving by now. It's been a year." He didn't say it in a mean way but it was obvious that he didn't understand the magnitude of grief that someone goes through when they lose their husband or wife. I told him nicely that he really needed to talk to a professional that deals in the loss of a loved ones to understand that a year is not enough time to "get over" losing a partner...or anyone else for that matter...to cancer. To live with someone 24/7 and see all the horror and suffering that our loved ones go through fighting for their lives is unimaginable to someone that has never been through what we all here have. Until you've been through it you will never understand the grief. I can honestly say that I never did until it happened to me....and I work in the medical field and have always considered myself to be caring and compasionate to my patients. I am now working the clinical side of patient care in a doctors office but before that I worked in an emergency room for 8 years and as an EMT for my town's volunteer ambulance service. With all that under my belt I still had no idea just how emotionally painful and consuming grief could be...until Joe died. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Thank you for letting me ramble on. I feel like a crazy lady and that's not the person I used to be. I always was so put together and could handle anything that life put in my path...that is until Joe died.  I pray to God for peace and comfort for all of us grieving the loss of our loved ones.  Love, Hope and Prayers  JackieJo http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,70036,0.htm JackieJo Thu, 17 Jan 2013 00:00:00 GMT Roger and I met when we were 12, married at 17 had our first child at 20. Our second at 27. We had our 1st grandchild in March of 2010. Our 2nd in November of 2012.  We were finally going to live the dream. That man loved, cherished and respected life and all it had to offer. Then this damn brain tumor came from nowhere and took the life out of him, and all of us who loved him. One day you have it all, and the next you're just empty. My Roger was the most loving, caring, smartest person I have ever known. My children are hurt, my grandbabies have been robbed from knowing his love. Memories are priceless, but they can't replace reality. I cannot belive that it has been almost  months since I've felt the warmth of his touch. I ask God a lot of questions, I read The Bible, I pray, but I do not know why he is not here. http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,70451,0.htm oakisland Tue, 12 Feb 2013 00:00:00 GMT Hi Friends. I am asking for prayers today for my 14 yr old grand daughter. She has been having digestive problems since Christmas and the pediatric gastro dr had her on Prilosec which had little affect. Today she is having an endoscopy and biopsy. Thank you. Irene http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,70928,0.htm eastwest Fri, 15 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT Our grandaugher who will be 3 this month shared some words of wisdom that I think need to be shared ..We send balloons to Grandpa, they go to his happy place. Yesterday we went to a birthday party, she asked if she could take some balloons home she picked a purple one and a pink one. She said let's put kisses all over these and send them to Grandpa in his happy place. We kissed them and let them go, as they were floating up, she asked me ," Where is Grandpa's happy place'? I said "he is in heaven". She said , Grandma why are you sad? He is with Jesus. Why didn't I fiqure that out by myself? He is in a very happy place. http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,70840,0.htm oakisland Mon, 11 Mar 2013 00:00:00 GMT