My Dad Has Given Up

Hi,
My father was diagnosed with rectal cancer September 2003. He went through radiation and chemo. After that he had surgery to remove the tumor. His Dr. said it went great and that my dad was "Cancer Free". But now 8 weeks after his surgery he has a very very large tumor on his hip bone. The doctor now says that it is cancer again.
My dad doesn't want to do anymore treatments or any surgeries at all. He has given up! He is very sick and he can't walk much because the tumor is so large that he can't lift his leg now.

I don't know what to do. I told him that if he doesn't want to fight anymore he doesn't have to and that i'm not mad at him. I told him that if he wants to go that i'll miss him very much but i know he won't hurt anymore. And that was the hardest thing that i have ever had to say!
I'm sorry to go on and on but I just needed to get this off my chest. Thankyou to whoever reads this.

God bless each and everyone of you and your families!

Faleisha T.

Hello,
I just read your post concerning your dad. I know how hard it is to fight cancer. I have had colon cancer for three years now. I am at stage 4 and currently on my third try at chemo. I am only 44 years old,and it is a constant struggle to remain hopeful,and to put my body through the rigors of chemotherapy. If your dad does not want any chemo or surgeries I guess that is his choice. I would not say he has given up,he probably has reached the point of what he can tolerate. Every person who has cancer is a fighter. Some fight for a long time others stop,or they never even have the chance to fight. My father in law died in October of 2001. He had back problems went to a doctor, and was told not to worry. Well in the fall of 2001, he was admitted to the hospital and much to our horror was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. He died three weeks later. He had one chemo treatment,and he was just too sick to cope. His children had to make the decision to pursue chemo or just keep him comfortable. They did not want to see their dad suffer. He died of pneumonia, and it was so sad that he never had the chance to fight. I know if I ever get to the point where the treatments make my life so intolerable I will say enough!! I know you don't want to see your dad in pain. It must be hard to let go, and if he does not want further treatment,try to make each day as pleasant as possible for him. Letting go is the hardest thing to do. Is there a local support group you could attend,to be with others in your situation? They can help. I hope your dad does what he wants to do. Even if he has a little time left he can live it the way he wants to. Do you mind if I ask how old your dad is? If you don't want to answer that's OK. I want to wish you the best...Julie

As a survivor of rectal cancer, I have been one of the lucky survivors. I just reached my 24 month of remission. I was diagnosed with late stage 3 cancer and my doctors did very aggressive treatments of chemo, radiation and surgeries.

My strength has been my faith to take each day as it comes. Obviously battling cancer is not easy, however your father has much to live for. I work as a volunteer at a local hospital and I see this constantly. People need a push to get going and a purpose.

It is important that the people around him NEVER give up. You need to show him the positives of life and the reason to live. Get family, friends or whomever to help get him going. To beat any type of illness it requires strong mental toughness to heal the body and it sounds like he is in a down period.

I have met so many people who experienced cancer multiple times and they were my inspiration. Get his mind off of his problems and get him volunteering to help others in need. He will find a reason and purpose for living.

Congratulations of your 24 month survival and your brave struggle. My husband is stage 3 with 3 of 5 nodes positive found during surgery to get the bad and remove his rectum. He had chemo/radiation before surgery. The large tumor did shrink some and his CEA went from 16 ot 5 (after surgery). He starts Oxaliplatin/Xeloda Friday. Did you have similar condition and treatment? Cat scan showed clear for lungs, brain, and liver during diagnosis. But, due to node involvement, the chances of tiny visibly undetectable mets are the problem. Doctors says he has a 50% chance to survive. You give me hope. We've been married for 37 years and I can't imagine life without him.

It sounds positive that the cancer has not progressed into major organs. So my doctor assurred me that I had a chance of living a normal life after my treatments if it wasn't in my major organs, but again there is never any guarantee in life. The lymph nodes are less of an issue, but always a concern. Go with a proactive approach that is being recommended. You have to remember this treatment is harsh and it kills the bad as well as the good cells. I went with a program that was more proven at my hospital with 5FU chemo (which was many), rectum removal with resection (j-pouch), and many radiation treatments. Read everything possible on utilizing alternative type medications (over the counter type things) that may help restore him to better health. Be careful having him take a lot of pain medication. It will be a long road to recovery if he gets dependent on pain meds.

I decided that I would not only do what the doctors instructed, I exercised each day (to help mind and body strong), drank a lot of liquids (gatorade/water), ate regular and good balanced meals (even if it made me sick), and just decided to keep moving and keep my schedule as regular as possible with work and home life. The only difficulty was when I was using a continuous infusion pump to push the chemo in me for 7 weeks. I had some incredible experiences with my temporary bag in meetings when they broke! But we all laughed and made jokes. All I can say keep him moving as much as possible. It has been a proven fact in written literature that exercise is becoming the key to ongoing good health and quicker recovery with cancer patients. Use ensure or any type of protein drink when he is feeling weak. Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate always and keep a water bottle! Exercise- start walking a block, then move to two blocks and before you know it, the exercise is just routine and you are going around the neighborhood.

With experimental or newer drugs you have to see how things go. He really needs to keep fighting and make each day count. If he opens his eyes he will see people worse off fighting some terrible battles with cancer. He can make this a life changing positive experience.

I do wish you both well. This impacts the entire family. I have a friend who is fighting terrible breast cancer (stage 4) with a brain tumor. She is fighting and winning. Postive mental attitude, exercise, regular life schedules is so key for success. You sound like you are the "Rock". My wife helped push me so much. I thank the Lord for her. So don't baby him. Be strong and forceful to a point. You will know when to push and when to let up. You keep telling him, you need him around.

So blessings to you both. Keep in touch.