Help Me Understand

I am 28 and my father (60) has been diagnosed colon cancer 2 weeks ago.

He removed 20cm of his intestine and the surgery went very well apparently. Yesterday he removed his last stiches and will start chemotherapy next week.

I live far away from my parents (diferent continents) and therefore i have so far only spoken to my parents by phone.

My mother had until yesterday failed to tell me that the colon cancer was somehow "old" and my father's liver was like the one of a drunk man (which i understand are the mets of the colon cancer). His lungs also show some cells but the oncologist thinks they are no concern.

When asking my father about the stage/ type/ implications of the treatment as well as expectancy he told me the doctor had no answers for him. (neither had the other doctors he consulted).

My father discovered the cancer by "accident" (while doing prostate screening) and had/has no symptoms. He is in good mood and hopeful.

I know that each case is a case but there are facts that have to be taken seriously.

From my web research my understanding is that he has STAGE IV cancer with liver metastasis and no possibility for a liver resection. From my (maybe naif) diagnosis I have not yet foung an analysis that can shed some good light on what is to come... i read 3months to 1 year...

 Can you help me unerstand a bit better as i am spiraling down in ignorance and my parents don't want me to rush into moving back home so they keep it from me...

Many thanks and love to all

Maybe you need to understand better, emotionally, where your Dad and Mom are coming from instead from clinical point of view. Some people don't want an expiration date put on thier lives. Those of us who are not ill, don't think about dying. Your Dad is facing it each day he wakes up, next to his wife. Could you sleep, among other worries, with the thought that you have unitl the end of May to live?  Wouldn't you rather your Father focus on other things? Even though they are your parents, what they are going through is a very personal and initmate time in thier lives. What they need right now is support no matter how they choose to deal with it. So many things have been taken away because of cancer, try not to put a time limit of what he and your mother feel is best for for father. This is not about you. It seems you need a time frame, for your benefit,not for your Dad.

Understand more of what they need from you. They need you to support them. Tell them whatever is best for them, is okay with you. It is beyond any of us what kind of fear and sadness our loved ones, who are ill, face every second of every day. If we cough, or start choking because something "went down the wrong pipe". Our lives are not flashing before us. We don't think of unfinished business, or things we still wanted to say to our children. We don;t live with that fear. WE need to get support, so we know how to deal with thier fears. So they are ok. They KNOW we are not ok. Your Dad is the one who deals with the reality and treatments and pain of each day. We, have no choice, but to watch, and somehow make it easier for them.

There is no right or wrong or any answers out there to make it any easier for any for us understand. All we can all do is be here when you need it, no matter what. None of know we are doing. We just hope whatever we do is best for those who need it most. God Bless and Hugs.

On 3/10/2007 Lou38s wrote:

Maybe you need to understand better, emotionally, where your Dad and Mom are coming from instead from clinical point of view. Some people don't want an expiration date put on thier lives. Those of us who are not ill, don't think about dying. Your Dad is facing it each day he wakes up, next to his wife. Could you sleep, among other worries, with the thought that you have unitl the end of May to live?  Wouldn't you rather your Father focus on other things? Even though they are your parents, what they are going through is a very personal and initmate time in thier lives. What they need right now is support no matter how they choose to deal with it. So many things have been taken away because of cancer, try not to put a time limit of what he and your mother feel is best for for father. This is not about you. It seems you need a time frame, for your benefit,not for your Dad.

Understand more of what they need from you. They need you to support them. Tell them whatever is best for them, is okay with you. It is beyond any of us what kind of fear and sadness our loved ones, who are ill, face every second of every day. If we cough, or start choking because something "went down the wrong pipe". Our lives are not flashing before us. We don't think of unfinished business, or things we still wanted to say to our children. We don;t live with that fear. WE need to get support, so we know how to deal with thier fears. So they are ok. They KNOW we are not ok. Your Dad is the one who deals with the reality and treatments and pain of each day. We, have no choice, but to watch, and somehow make it easier for them.

There is no right or wrong or any answers out there to make it any easier for any for us understand. All we can all do is be here when you need it, no matter what. None of know we are doing. We just hope whatever we do is best for those who need it most. God Bless and Hugs.

Well said...!!!!!! What I need most with my fight with cancer is support of my decisions.  We all need to make decisions within "our" comfort zone.  The best thing that happened for me was my family backs my decisions 100%.  No matter what their opinions were they truly believed that it had to be a personal choice.  They knew that although they felt the same fears I did, they had no idea what choices they would make because they weren't in my shoes.  Now I have absolutely no doubt that in their own personal conversations among themselves they discussed their own opinions, after all they are human.  But never once did they try to force a treatment option, nor did they get angry at me because I may have chosen a different path. That's not to say they don't inform me of something new they have heard of, something I always welcome...

 We need you to be there for us, we are scared and confused and yes angry.  I will forever be thankful for the support and love I have received, I couldn't do this alone....

Just support them them with everything you have to give, that IS what they most need from you.  Just so you know we aren't scared by the tears you may shed we too shed them...The unknown is always scary it's just easier to face with support.

Many thanks for all your advice...

Love sincerely,

S.

To Cartolamagica:

I would like to add something to the previous response.

I personally have never lost a parent, or experienced what you are going through as a daughter. I was talking with my girlfriend today and she lost her Mom to an illness. As we talked, I realized the response, which was focused on your Mom and Dad, was just that. I/we left you out. You came here for support to try and understand how to deal with this, from your point of view. It is important that you first understand where your parents are coming from. But,  you need desperately for them to understand where you are coming from. You want to do something, need to do something - anything, but you can't if you don't have the facts. Being right here beside my husband feeling helpless is hard enough. My friend pointed out, "Imagine being on another contintent not knowing what is going on with your parent." ~~ I was able to research and speak personally with the docs, ask why? when? how? and sometimes - Huh?. Your frustration is understandable. You want to be able to help, and no one is cooperating. Fact is, we all go through that same frustration no matter how close we are to the "facts". You do what you need to make yourself feel better. There are ways to make yourself part of this, even if your parents are not telling you anything. (A lot of us cannot get a straight answer from the doctor who is in the same room). Keep researching, calling your parents, ask questions.  We can't give our life story here, but we come to a forum such as this for the same reason. We needed a place to go to share our fears, frustrations, anger - all of it.

No one can understand the whys and how comes. We all just do our best and hope we do the right thing. You are hurt and angry and frustrated. But each and every day, you will learn something valuable about yourself, your mom, dad ...and More than you ever wanted to know about cancer. Whatever you do, at first, you will never feel it's enough.Understand this - those we love, who are ill - are more worried about us and what they will miss. Appreciate that. And as I said - none of us will ever understand this, unless we go through it ourselves. God Bless

I do try to understand...but,

Both my parents behave as if it's a minor thing and no need for me to panic and overreact and move home... basicaly my mother told me that it would be worse if I was to move back (as I am willing to from day 1) as i would make my father more emotional and it would give the wrong message; i.e. nothing to do...

I have a brother who lives close to my parents and with whom i have a very good relationship... we are best friends... He acts like my parents!!! everything is ok and going as usual and he doesn't seem to understand the extent of the problem (because my parents have the same attitude with him there). He keeps telling me that unless i bring some magic potion home there is nothing i am going to add there and he sees no point on me changing my life over this!!!

So now... i don't get it! I would move back now if I was to choose! of course I don't want to agravate a situation if there is no need for it... I would be more than happy to see no urgency in moving back.

I have made an appointment with an oncologist here and perhaps get a better judgement of the whole situation.

Once again, thank you for the advice,

Love,

S.