My Dad Is Dying.....Please Help Me

My Dad is dying from stomach cancer (well, they presume that the stomach cancer is the primary) and it is just so awful to watch.  He was diagnosed the day after my baby was born, and now only 13 weeks later he is in the hospice.  I dont know if I should be happy that I have a new baby, or sad my father is going to leave me, it is too hard to be both and continually fluctuate.  Last night Dad started vomiting blood, it was fresh, frank blood and the doctor is not sure where it originates from, but it is a significant downwards step.  He is so thin, but has a huge stomach as the cancer has gone to his liver also, and the tumor is massive, making him look like he has an impressive pot belly, but is in fact just tumors.  The cancer is everywhere, you can see the tumors under his skin.  He face is sallow and drawn.  His voice is so weak, I think there are more tumors pushing on his 'voice box', and sometimes try as I may, I just cant catch what he is saying.  And yet, despite all of this, I am not ready for him to go.  Selfishly, I want him to stay and be my rock.  Is that normal?  I dont want him to suffer, but I dont want him to leave me and my family either.   Everyday I have been packing my 3 children (aged 4, 2 and 13 weeks) into the car and doing a round trip of 150km (about 1 1 1/2 hours each way) to go and spend time with Dad, go and do Mums housework, cook her meals etc, and I am just getting so tired.  My mum wont be able to cope living on her own (she has had strokes and also has epilepsy), and so she is going to come and live with my husband and I and our 3 little children.  She is quite demanding and I worry for my marriage, yet of course I will do anything for her as she is my mum.  This is the worst time in my life and I guess I am just looking for some reassurance that I am not the horrible selfish person I sometimes think I am for not wnting to let my Dad go.  I live in New Zealand.  Many thanks in advance for anyone who would give me some advice on which way to turn, because I feel like I am chasing my tail and getting nowhere!

Sorry, that should say the trip takes 1 to 1 1/2 hours each way.

Sweetie the emotions you are feeling are completely normal. I've been there, and know how hard it is to watch someone you love so much suffer. You are not being selfish for wanting him to live. Anyone dealing with this wants the same thing. Dealing with cancer when it concerns a loved one is so very hard. You watch this person who was always so active,become so frail and sick. It was my Grandfather whom I lost to cancer, but he was like a Dad to me. I was very close to him, because my Father traveled so much with work. I spent most weekends and summers with him. You don't want them to suffer anymore, yet you want them to live at the same time. The very large stomach is also a sign of fluid build up. My Grandfather who was a very skinny man also had the very bloated stomach when the cancer spread. Just love your Dad and be there by his side. It isn't going to be easy. When you feel the need to cry just let it all come out. Don't try to stay strong for anyone, because you need to get all of those emotions out. I am very sorry for what you are having to endure.It is the hardest thing to go through, I know. I miss my Grandfather very much. I wish he was still here to see my kids grow up. The only comfort I have with his passing is that he is no longer suffering. Watching him suffer was the hardest part of all of it. If I could have taken his pain I would have.

Thanks for answering, it is good to hear that I am not the only one feeling these things. I am sorry you also had to go through watching someone you love battle this awful disease, it is the worst thing isnt it. Dad seemed to settle for the rest of the night and no more bleeding occured.  With his stomach he has stunned the doctors as there is no fluid and it is hepatomegaly, which is an enlarged livver, due to the tumor, it is at least 10 - 15 times the normal size.  They were hoping it was fluid so that they could drain some of it off and allow him to eat.  The tumor is pressing on his stomach making him unable to eat more than a mouthful or two, and even then the pressure forced onto his stomach makes him vomit. Every day cancer takes away something else from him. I think I find his ailing voice one of the hardest things to cope with.  I am a nurse also and hate the fact that I can understand all of the clinical stuff that is going on, but no idea with the emotional side of things.  People keep on talking to me as though I can help them understand more because I am a nurse, but I wish everyone would forget that for the moment.  The hardest is when people ask how long I think Dad has left.  If only I had a crystal ball.  Oh well, another day is starting for me, time to pack up the kids and head to the hospice for the day....at least my husband is off work to help me :)

Hey Girl,

Don't worry too much, give some time for yourself too. Everyday I spent 15-20mins myself watching my fav movies or doing something that i like or safer to say "where i can vent myself mentally".

My Dad is going through the stomach cancer spread to liver and it seems that the whole world has come crashing on you. The doctors look at you in a maze eyes as if there is no hope, but i will never loose any hope nor him. I am going to try everything there is out there and pray hard.

Be strong and never let yourself down. I really admire how much you are doing alone for your parents and for family. Kudos to you girl.

I have heard some amazing stories out there with alt treatments, but not sure which ones to trust and which treatments to go for. I am buying mostly nutritional supplements and some herbal medications to try them out. All we can do is try hard and pray hard. Don't ever give up.

Lifey.

 

Chloe,

I lost both my parents to cancer in the last 3 years.  My mom came home to on hospice.  It was her choice.  While my mom was on hospice my dad was diagnosed with Stomach cancer.  They removed his entire stomach.  He lasted 3 years but he couldn't hold anything in his stomach.  He ate and ran to the bathroom.  He was not on any cancer medicines.  He told me he wanted things the way my mother had.  This past September he fell.  They put him in the hospital and did a series of tests.  Nobody including my father would tell me they told him it had gone to the bone.  He died Jan. 2.  He had been in rehab for breathing, but did not wish to stay.  I brought him home to his house with 2 caregivers.  He was home for 3 weeks and then on Christmas day went back into the hospital, the entire time I didn't know about the bone cancer.  I finally had to make the decision to pull the plug.  Tha was hard.  I console myself by telling myself I did the best I could.  I saw him when I could.  I wanted my Dad to be my protector.  Roles reversed and I found myself as his protector and he mine by shielding me from the fact of the fatality of the situation.  These are my feelings.  I know it is hard but all you can do is the best you can.  If you have a spouse maybe he or your siblings can help.  Today my brother's wife had surgery for 3C ovarian cancer.  That is what brought me to this site.  Your children need you more than your Dad.

Do the best you can and carry your head high and don't shortchange yourself.  If you visit once a week or once in 2 weeks and telephone calls it is okay.  Be strong.  Talk to your Dad about the way you feel you may find the rock is still there.  God Bless

Thanks everyone for your messages of support and understanding.  I have taken all advice on board :)

However, Dad passed away a couple of hours ago.  He held on for just as long as he could and then finally let go.  At least there is no more pain and suffering for him.  Now we have to arrange a funeral for him, that will be tough going on us all.  Dad always took care of the hard things.

How do you explain this to a 4 and 2 year old?  They have no understanding of the finality of death.

It was a peaceful death for him, but so very very hard to see.  It was even harder to leave him in the hospice room all by himself.  He just looked like he was asleep in the bed.  And only 62 years young.

I feel like I have had the wind knocked out of me.