My Mom Died Summer Of '06, I Was 14

My mom had developed a cough and was very tired around January of '06, but she was tough and refused to see a doctor. A couple months later, when she did see one, they told her it was probably a minor illness and they gave her medicine that didn't help. So in mid-March she had a scan done and we found out that she not only had lung cancer that had already spread, but she had a brain tumor as well. I was hurt inside when I heard, but I didn't want to show fear, and I didn't want to face the truth that my mom could die. I think that was a big mistake. My mom died July 21, 2006 of a blood clot in her leg that went straight to her heart. I was 14, and I was just entering high school, I needed her so badly. I have a dad and a brother but I don't get along with either of them, so right away I felt alone. My brother also just entered college so it's a big change. Then, on November 30, 2006, my grandma, (mom's mom), died. She was the last person who I felt could give me a hug like my mom could, and I could feel how much they both loved me. I am now 15, and my dad has brought me in to see 4 psychiatrists, but I don't like to talk to them. I try reading the bible, but I honestly have a hard time finding interest. I don't feel like talking to anyone, and I am worried that I will always feel as alone as I do now. I can tell I don't talk or smile as much as I used to, but I want to again someday. I think about my mom and grandma everyday, and how much I miss them. Sometimes I get home from school, and for some reason I yell "Mom!?" like I used to when I got home to tell her about my day. But when I hear no answer I feel worse and worse. I keep shouting out for her for several minutes sometimes. I don't understand why all this happened to me, but in some ways I feel like I deserved it, because I haven't always treated my mom with respect and showed her how much i loved her. I don't know who to turn to, and I don't know what to do with my life. I am sick of hearing that I might be depressed, because I think I'm stronger than that. I just want to feel normal again, and I want to feel comfortable again with just one person like I was with my mom. Please help. I'm lost, and I don't know what to do next.

I'm so sorry you've lost your mom. I wish I could give you a big hug. My dad has stage IV lung cancer metastasized to the liver. After a few rounds of radiation, he has become so weak that he can't even get out of bed. He has been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks now and his doctor told me his heart could stop anytime. A friend from church gave me an extract of a book called 90 Minutes in Heaven. It's about somebody who was once officially dead for 90 minutes during which he had the most wonderful "heavenly" experience meeting his long lost relatives and friends. I pray that you would one day be able to reunite with your mom and grandma in heaven.  I hope you can somehow find strength and comfort knowing that God loves you and so do your father and brother.  As a Christian, all I know is that when we're in trouble, we need to seek God' help. Do pray to God when you feel lonely and lost because He is our refuge, strength, and ever-present help in trouble.

Dear Superanne, I am SO SO sorry for your loss. You have had so much pain and loss over the last year, and anyone would be devastated to go through what you have gone through in these losses. I'm not sure that a psychiatrist is the answer.....it sounds like you are finding some comfort in your Bible. Is there someone in your church that you can talk to---a pastor or maybe a youth minister? I think if I were your age, and feeling the pain that you do, this may be a good source of comfort. There really is no getting "over it", but your heart can heal so that the loss is not so devastateing, and you can go on and live. You can learn to smile and laugh again. Your mom would want you to have a happy life. And please, please do not feel guilty for anything that you said to her that you feel was disrespectful or not so nice. Parents know that teenagers sometimes do this, and they understand. Your mom was once a young girl too, and she knows that it's just part of life, and I am sure that she loved you more than anything in this world. She would want you to live a happy life. I understand what you say about having someone hug you and comfort you...there's absolutely nothing like a mom that loves you. And no one will ever replace that kind of love and comfort that we get from our mothers. It's such a horrible loss. I lost my mother 9/20/06, and I am 44 yrs old, and I sometimes just sob and say "I want my Momma". Like you calling out for her when you get home, and wanting things to be back the way they were and being with her again. I would give anything to have my mom back and healthy. SuperAnne, I think it is very important for you to just invest yourself into something that you can love and find a passion for.....something like tennis, or music, or art, or writing, or even your youth group at church. Something that you enjoy now, but can put your time into it, keep yourself busy, and find some passion about it. It would be sort of like therapy, but you wouldn't really have to "talk to someone" about your problems. You are going through the first year without your mom and every anniversary each month is harder, and all the major dates are harder. Devote yourself to something in your mom's memory, and find meaning in something that will help you through these most difficult days. I will keep you in my prayers, and I will think about you in the days to come. Hang in there....Maddie Ruth