How Do You Get Closer To Someone With Cancer...

I met I girl a few months back that is absolutely amazing.  We started dating and it became serious very fast.  We fell for each other hard and both felt like we were supposed to be together.  Soon after things became serious she let me know that she has been battling cancer for 10 years.  She has a tumor near her brain.  She had already been through treatment for it twice.  She tried to break up with me explaining that I didnt deserve to be with someone that was at risk and that she didnt want me to get hurt.  I refused to let that happen so we continued to see each other.  We grew closer until one day she had to go to the hospital because she was having bad symptoms again.  Appearantly her cell count was bad again so her Dr. has put her on some medicine that is pretty rough.  Since her health has declined she did break up with me because she didnt want the stress of a relationship making things worse.  I respected that and backed off a bit so that she wouldnt worry about me.  I told her that I will keep things calm while she is going through this, but I am not leaving her.  I still consider her my girlfriend and have not even thought about leaving or being with anyone else.  She keeps me at a distance, but I try to let her know that I am there for her and still love her.  I really only talk to her when her pain medication wears off and she cant sleep.  I have only seen her a few times in last couple months.  I dont mind doing this, but she is very stubborn and will not let me help her or really be there for her.  All she is able to do anymore is work and sleep.  I have explained that I would like to do anything to make her life easier, but she will not let me in.  I have never dealt with anything like this before, so I would just like some advice on her to get closer to her.  She feels like she may not make it through this time and does not want me to get too attached, but it is too late for that.  I want to be there for her no matter what happens, but she will not let me do that.  Help!

 

I can tell you from experience since I have cancer that she is probably trying to protect you from being hurt if she dies. Try approaching her with the idea that you want to be there for her in any capacity she wants. A friend or more when she's ready. Tell her you will be there for her whenever she needs someone to talk to in the middle of the night when she gets lonely. Tell her you will be there for her period whenever she needs someone to lean on because you care for her.

Believe me its so hard to accept this disease and its harder to open up to people when its the most scariest thing in the world you have ever had to endure. Its scary and it lonely if you let it get to you.

Basically I like it when people just let me talk and they listen. I cant promise anything more than a conversation these days. I can totally relate to her just let her know you want to be a part of her good days and bad days because you love her. Once she realizes you mean it then she can decide whether she lets you in her world or not. You must respect her wishes please dont stress her out anymore than necessary.

Thanks for your reply.  I think you described how she feels very well.  I have tried to respect her wishes and be there when she needs me, and give her space when she needs it.  It is tough because there is not much communication, so I dont always know what she needs.  I try not to pressure her, but I want to make sure that she knows I will be there, and that no matter what happens I am not going to give up.  She does carry a great deal of guilt because she does not want me to get hurt, but I try to let her know that I understand the situation, and it doesn't matter, I want to be there for her.  It has been 5 months, and we are still in about the same place. She will start to let me in every once in a while and then draw back again.  The thing that really bothers me is that she will not let anyone, not even her family, be there for her, and I dont think that is right.  I feel like she needs to let someone in, and let someone help her when things are really bad.  I just hope that she will realize that she can trust me and let me be that person.  After talking this situation to death with my close friends I think the only answer is time.  I just hope that it is not a situation where she is never going to accept being in a relationship.  It is not fair that just because she is sick she thinks she has to be alone, that is no way to deal with it. 

Just keep on caring for her the way you always have.  Don't change a thing.  Tell her nicely, that it hurts you that she wants to keep you at distance because of her illness, and that you will be there just as if she were perfectly healthy.

 

In the end, it will be tragic for you, but all caring and love seems to come with a price of pain to some extent.

She will feel cared for and loved, if her time here is over, and if she is to have time left here, your devotion to her, will be irreplaceable.

 

So sorry that this happened to you.

Beth

Thanks for your response Beth.  I know that she still cares about me, so I am going to keep on keepin on, but it can be hard to remember that and to feel like I am doing the right thing when she pushes me away.  I try not to talk about our relationship or ask questions anymore, because she gets very upset.  That is the hardest thing, the lack of communication.  I think that she does not like to discuss things because of her guilt.  She instantly shuts down the moment we discuss anything serious.  When I try to discuss things, I am not trying to pressure her, I am just trying to understand what she needs from me.  But she tells me that I dont want to know about everthing that is going on with her.  It hurts me to hear about what she is going through, but I need to hear it so that I know what she needs from me.  So right now, I am giving her some space, I let her know that I am still there for anything she may need, but I try not to be there too much.  I cannot figure out how to be there for her but make that guilt go away so that she will open up and let me be there for her more.  Like I said time is the only thing that will help I think. 

You may never be able to make the guilt go away.  Your relationship is new, and you don't have a foundation to draw from.

As I said, just give her the same caring and attention you would if she were well, and don't discuss anything too deep.  Let your actions speak for themselves, and maybe she will get the picture, then.

 

Beth

Thats good advice, thank you Beth.  Thats the plan for now, hope it works. 

Having it "work out"  simply means that you will care about and make someone's life better because you are in it.

Already, anyone can see by reading this, you are a kind person, and she is blessed by knowing you.

Beth

Wow, I'm pretty much in the same position as you are in, Jeremy.  The only difference is my boyfriend is a little more open.  He'll describe what/how he's feeling to me, but he wouldn't let me go with him to his treatments and he refuses to let me know the exact diagnosis of his cancer.  He also keeps it all from his family and friends.  Basically the only people who know about this are myself and a cousin of his.  I honestly feel ignorant when I try to talk to him and go out with him as if nothing's wrong, I wish I could do something more to help him.  But maybe that's what he needs from me, for me to keep his mind off of his battles.