Helpless Seeking Hope

I watching my father die and I can't handle it. He is only 56 and has cancer in both his lungs, his liver and spine. He was just diagnosed in February and they tried treatment but had to stop because his body couldn't handle it. He is fading so fast it unbearable. Every week he get skinnier and weaker. They keep trying to strengthen his pain medicine and now he's on morphine because it hurts so bad. Yesterday my parents bought his casket and vault so my mom wouldn't have to worry about it. I can't believe there's nothing left we can do - I am so angry. My mom....she is 53 and trying to be strong too but it's so hard for her. He is the love of her life and she doesn't want to live without him. My children are young, my daughter is only 8 months old. I wanted her to have her own memories. He was given 2-4 months and we are just hoping we get that long with him. Right now it seems like we are on borrowed time. My heart aches so bad - I can't sleep, My only peace is researching all night about new ways of fighting cancer but I am running out of time.

 

On 4/23/2007 Daughters Love wrote:

I watching my father die and I can't handle it. He is only 56 and has cancer in both his lungs, his liver and spine. He was just diagnosed in February and they tried treatment but had to stop because his body couldn't handle it. He is fading so fast it unbearable. Every week he get skinnier and weaker. They keep trying to strengthen his pain medicine and now he's on morphine because it hurts so bad. Yesterday my parents bought his casket and vault so my mom wouldn't have to worry about it. I can't believe there's nothing left we can do - I am so angry. My mom....she is 53 and trying to be strong too but it's so hard for her. He is the love of her life and she doesn't want to live without him. My children are young, my daughter is only 8 months old. I wanted her to have her own memories. He was given 2-4 months and we are just hoping we get that long with him. Right now it seems like we are on borrowed time. My heart aches so bad - I can't sleep, My only peace is researching all night about new ways of fighting cancer but I am running out of time.

I too am a daughter in distress.  My Dad was just diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer and yesterday we learned that it is also on the spine.  When my daughter was born we enjoyed having five living generations.  Through 26 years that has fallen to three, my daughter has a four month old girl.  When Sadie was born my Dad said that he hoped to live long enough to take her hand and walk her down to the creek and teach her to skip rocks.  I know exactly how you feel.  You feel cheated for yourself, your mom and your children.  You are right to feel that way because it's true.  I am trying to be as pro-active as possible at this point, even though the future looks grim.  I was only 4 when my great-grandfather died of cancer and I have vague memories, however, through photos and stories told by my family I feel as if I really knew him well.  Make sure that you have plenty of photos and videos if possible.  Write down all of the memories that YOU have of your Dad, do it now.  Keep his name in conversations.  We lost a 16 year old daughter a few years ago and my mom and grandmom three years ago.  After the tears and physical pain you will go to bed one night and realize - hey, I didn't cry today - then you'll cry because you feel awful that you didn't.  This will eventually change and the sweet memories will flood over you.  Write them down too.  I've found great solace in just banging away on the computer.  I write letters to "God" and looking back on them I've discovered that at first I was so angry.  Later on the anger became less and the realization that my Daddy wasn't going to live to be a very old man as we had hoped.  He's enjoyed excellent health till now.  Your Dad is in a bad way for sure.  A dear friend lived with us during his last three months of battling cancer.  His family was quite small and lived far away.  By staying with us he still had his "community" where his friends and lodge brothers could visit him.  Encourage your Dad's friends to visit, even if you think that he is asleep.  We really don't know how much a person is aware of, especially under medication.  Now is the time for courage.  Your Dad is my age.  My Dad will be 77 in July.  We will always be "Daddy's Little Girl" regardless of what age.  Be with him as much as you can, talk to him, hold him.  Talk to your Mom too, I can understand her pain because the boy she fell in love with is going to leave her.  I will pray for you all, miracles do happen and when you or your loved one is ill you can't pray for yourself so others do it for you.  It doesn't matter if you worship a turnip or Jesus or whatever.  Prayers are prayers.  Try to look nice for you Dad, maybe a little lipstick.  Put his favorite aftershave on your Dad and tell your Mom to do the same.  Be with him when the end is near, you won't regret it.  It is an honor and privilege to care for our loved ones and in the future you will look back and realize that by doing so it made you more self assured and a better parent.  Believe it or not, some things are worse than death.  To see my Dad in pain and his only relief is a drug that takes his mind to places that I cannot go is awful.  Remind your Mom (and yourself) that she will always have him with her.  Just looking into your face and the faces of their grandchildren.  Your Dad has sown the seeds of this life and you all are his harvest.  Make him proud.

 

This is so beautifully said. A very helpful message even though I'm sure there will not be a dry eye reading it. Thank you Carpenters Daughter QUOTE...... I too am a daughter in distress. My Dad was just diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer and yesterday we learned that it is also on the spine. When my daughter was born we enjoyed having five living generations. Through 26 years that has fallen to three, my daughter has a four month old girl. When Sadie was born my Dad said that he hoped to live long enough to take her hand and walk her down to the creek and teach her to skip rocks. I know exactly how you feel. You feel cheated for yourself, your mom and your children. You are right to feel that way because it's true. I am trying to be as pro-active as possible at this point, even though the future looks grim. I was only 4 when my great-grandfather died of cancer and I have vague memories, however, through photos and stories told by my family I feel as if I really knew him well. Make sure that you have plenty of photos and videos if possible. Write down all of the memories that YOU have of your Dad, do it now. Keep his name in conversations. We lost a 16 year old daughter a few years ago and my mom and grandmom three years ago. After the tears and physical pain you will go to bed one night and realize - hey, I didn't cry today - then you'll cry because you feel awful that you didn't. This will eventually change and the sweet memories will flood over you. Write them down too. I've found great solace in just banging away on the computer. I write letters to "God" and looking back on them I've discovered that at first I was so angry. Later on the anger became less and the realization that my Daddy wasn't going to live to be a very old man as we had hoped. He's enjoyed excellent health till now. Your Dad is in a bad way for sure. A dear friend lived with us during his last three months of battling cancer. His family was quite small and lived far away. By staying with us he still had his "community" where his friends and lodge brothers could visit him. Encourage your Dad's friends to visit, even if you think that he is asleep. We really don't know how much a person is aware of, especially under medication. Now is the time for courage. Your Dad is my age. My Dad will be 77 in July. We will always be "Daddy's Little Girl" regardless of what age. Be with him as much as you can, talk to him, hold him. Talk to your Mom too, I can understand her pain because the boy she fell in love with is going to leave her. I will pray for you all, miracles do happen and when you or your loved one is ill you can't pray for yourself so others do it for you. It doesn't matter if you worship a turnip or Jesus or whatever. Prayers are prayers. Try to look nice for you Dad, maybe a little lipstick. Put his favorite aftershave on your Dad and tell your Mom to do the same. Be with him when the end is near, you won't regret it. It is an honor and privilege to care for our loved ones and in the future you will look back and realize that by doing so it made you more self assured and a better parent. Believe it or not, some things are worse than death. To see my Dad in pain and his only relief is a drug that takes his mind to places that I cannot go is awful. Remind your Mom (and yourself) that she will always have him with her. Just looking into your face and the faces of their grandchildren. Your Dad has sown the seeds of this life and you all are his harvest. Make him proud.

I am another daughter seeking hope. My dad died Friday, April 20th, 2007 at home with his family. I watched his weight fall dramitically, I watched his once healthy appetite become non-exsistant. I talked to him, cried with him, sang with him and slept near him. With my step-mother, I bathed him, changed him, shaved him and in the end, diapered him.  I can't tell you that death came easy for his family, even with all the pain he was in.  I watched him falter for 8 monthes with Liver cancer.  We ( his family) know that he is in a better place, we know his is no longer in pain. He have repeated the words over and over for 2 days.  And those words do help some. 

While my three kids are older, they will never really know Grandpa.  My youngest is only 7, but she holds him in her heart. Her innocent, kind words fill me with hope. Driving away from the house my dad once called home, with tears spilling onto my cheeks and shirt, my little girl said "don't worry Mom, now we don't have to leave him here when we go home, he can be with us there too".

 The cancer robbed my dad of everything he was in life. Cook, gardener, chauffuer to his wife, painter, math whiz and so much more. But it taught me that life is precious. More so than I ever thought. Good luck. Appreciate every second you have. Write his words down. Remember his jokes. My dad jokes helped us laugh together Friday night. Come back often. I don't normally post, but just reading helps me.

 

I'm so very sorry for your sadness. Cancer is a terrible disease. As a survivor of this awful illness, I will pray for you and your family. WellYesMom.com

I am so sorry for your pain and that of your family. I recently lost my Dad to bladder cancer on March 27. He was a cancer patient for less than 2 months. It came and took him so quickly and unfairly, that none of us were prepared for losing him so soon. He was a healthy and energetic Dad, husband, and Grandfather one day and a frail, weak cancer patient the next (literally). I understand exactly how you feel right now as I too went through all of those same feelings. It actually has a name, anticipatory grief. It can be almost as bad and painful as when the time actually comes, but unfortunately does not lessen your grief when the end does come. I am not trying to despair you, but rather prepare you . All you can do is try to let him know how much you love him and enjoy him and be with him (if you can). If you can't, just be sure to tell him you love him each day (even if your Mom has to hold the phone to his ear). I tried to spend as much time as possible with my Dad during the month and a half that we had from hearing the most dreaded "C" word (we lived 2 hours from each other). Unfortunately, I did not make it to the hospital to be with him at the end. I truly believe that the denial of the whole ordeal wouldn't allow me to truly believe that it was the end. I thought I had a few more hours to get there but sepsis had set in and cancer took him away 2 hours too soon. I am still in denial and actually am okay with that. I am not prepared, nor do I wish to just yet, to accept that he is actually gone. I lost my Dad and my best friend all in 1 day. You can be strong for your Dad and Mom and family, but remember to allow yourself the chance to grieve, even now before the end, when you can (I spent/spend alot of time in the shower or alone in my car crying and yelling). I will say a prayer for you and your family tonight. Please email/post/whatever if you want to talk more. 

Kathie Bevich Suter 

You mentioned you were researching. My husband beat lymphoma with something he found on cancertutor.com. High pH cesium therapy. If you have questions feel free to send me a private message. Blessings.

How did you cope with watching your father go downhill. I have been sick the last week and have not been able to go and see him. I am getting better and hope to see him saturday however, my husband took the kids over to see him tonight and said he had looked like he was having a rough time and wasn't able to even get out of bed. He said he looks really bad now. My heart just sank - I know we are on borrowed time but I can't help feeling angry....I feel as we are being robbed of time with him. How do I explain this to my 6 year old son - Papa is his best friend. We are going to move the hospital bed in the living room this weekend at his request so he can lie down and rest and still be with everyone. I don't know how I am going to handle seeing him lie in that bed. My husband said my mother looks worn out and she insists on being the one to take care of him. I am worried about her too. I feel like crying all the time.

I have always been daddy's little girl and I think that is making it even harder. I only live about 20 minutes away from him but my father and I have always been able to sit and talk for hours on the phone. I have alot of his features and every time I look in the mirror lately reminds me of him and I want to sit and cry. My brother is still single and right now he is going through the anger phase. That is how he has always dealt with death in the family. He had it set in his mind that we were going to find someway for dad to get better but so far we haven't had that much luck at all. I feel I'm grabbing at straws sometimes when I am researching his cancer and I never get the answer I am looking for but right now it the only thing keeping me together. My mind stays on him every minute of the day and I can't seem to get past the anger of knowing all the things he will not be here for it just consumes me. I worry about my daughter not remembering who he is. He is such a wonderful man - I have always quoted my father sayings - I have learned alot from his wisdom and forever will be grateful for all the things he's taught me. I know how truly blessed I am for my father and yet I feel punished because he's being taken from me soooo soon. How do you let go when all you want to do is hold on?

Hang on and don't let go. I still talk to my Dad every day. I say good morning every dawn, and goodnight and I miss you every evening. He is still my Dad and still my best friend. DO whatever it is that makes you feel better, even if it feels useless. I sat and researched my Dad's cancer (bladder, stage 4), sometimes all day. Somehow just learning about it made me feel like I was doing something. I too am worried that my daughter (7) and son (5) will forget their Mumma (yes, that's what they called their grandfather!). I tell them each night as they go to sleep that Mumma is watching over them and misses them (my daughter, however, is still not ready to talk or hear about Mumma; she tells herself that he is in another room when we are at his house because the kids are being too loud-her way of dealing, I guess). I think that as long as I am here to tell stories about my Dad, they will remember and know him. I know it is really hard to watch the man who was always the strongest man you knew fall to cancer. I am aching for you. That was one of the hardest things for me. I can tell myself now that my Dad was still the strongest man in the world just caught within a body that was failing him. THe only advice I can give is to just love him. If that means sitting there and holding his hand quietly then do that. I sat one night in the hospital rubbing my Dad's arm for quite a long time before I even realized that it was his left arm, the one that was numb due to the lesion in his brain having caused bleeding and stroke symtoms. It didn't matter though, I kept on rubbing it. Today is 1 month since my Dad and best friend went. I am actually on my way to several urologists and oncologists offices to ask them to display brochures from the Bladder Cancer ADvocacy Network. SOmething that allows me to feel like I am doing something worthwhile about cancer. Whatever works, I guess. As I sit and type this message and cry for my Dad, I am crying for all of you who are fighting this awful disease. Try to rememer that although it can take our bodies from us, it cannot take our spirit. Remmeber your Dad and others will not be able to forget. I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

Kathie B Suter