Need Some Inspiration Husband With Stage Iv

Hello,

I am in London, my husband has Stage Iv Melanoma and is fading fast - we went over 5 years with nothing and then it came back in his lung - after an operation they told us just to come back for a 6 month CT scan which was back in December and were told it had gone everywhere and we had 5-6 months and to go and enjoy ourselves - we have 2 children aged 3 & 1 and I am one of the few people who really loves their husband.  It has since spread to his brain and we found out last week that where there were 2 tumours there are now 6 - one is the size of a tennis ball - he now has over 40 tumours - he is dying in front of my eyes and there is nothing I can do - someone tell me there is life after all this and give me hope where right now there is none - I love him - I don't want to say goodbye - I am 34 years old I am too young to be alone - help x 

Hello, my husband has Stage 3 brain cancer.  We have 2 daughters, 6 & 3, and I am 27 and he is 30.  All that I can offer is some advise that I was given by another spouse of someone with cancer.  I HOPE THAT NOTHING I SAY HURTS YOU, BUT GIVES YOU PEACE THAT YOU CAN AND WILL SURVIVE.  I will tell you things to help you prepare for your loss and things to help you plan your life after your loss.

PREPARE:  Have your husband record video messages to your children for things in the future and just in general.  It will be hard, but when the time comes, you will cherish the fact that you have them.  Record, take pictures, and write letters to anyone that you feel you need to.  Your children will want to see the way their father was with them, your stories will be wonderful, but seeing is knowing.  Make sure that you discuss with your husband things you fear, even the things you think you cannot say out loud.  You have to talk about things that most couples don't have to, and when I say everything I mean everything!  My husband and I have talked about things like... How he wants me to one day find happiness with someone else, and I didn't want ot talk about that!  I couldn't imagine that, but it was something that he wanted to talk about.  He wanted to make sure that I knew he was okay with me one day loving someone else.   We talked about the girls; certain things that he wants for them and about how I will raise them in the future (dating, cars, punishments, marriage ect..).  Like I said this will all be the most difficult you will ever face, but if you do not spend the time now, you cannot gain it back later.  If you don't prepare, you will more than likely regret it later.

AFTER:  Obviously you will need to be strong for your children, but don't forget about yourself.  Once you feel the time is right and your children have family they can stay with, you should take a weekend getaway just for yourself.  To think, to cry, to remember, to be angry, to recover.  This may seem crazy, but when the time is right, you need to release - by yourself.  Alot of times we hold it in because we don't want to upset others that are grieving as well.  This should not take away from your own grieving.  You will survive, it will just take time.  You will learn to love life again and the simple things.  To answer your question, 'Is there life after this?'  Yes, there is!  You need to make plans, like little anniversaries, for your healing process.  At the time you make them, they will seem far off, but as each one approaches, you will look at time that has past and see how much you have healed.  Don't think of the healing process as 'getting over it'.  You will never get over it, but instead it is the process of 'accepting it'.  I think after someone you love passes, you need time to accept the reality of it and that to me is what the healing process means.  When you look up and realize that you are okay and have survived, that is when your 'next life' has begun.  The 'next life' is the adjusted life you make for yourself because it is not the one you planned.  It will still be a great life, just adjusted. 

I hope that something I said helps you to prepare and plan.  It is awful and unfair, and I know the time that you have is precious and sacred.  Take care!  Dana

On 4/30/2007 Dana123 wrote:

Hello, my husband has Stage 3 brain cancer.  We have 2 daughters, 6 & 3, and I am 27 and he is 30.  All that I can offer is some advise that I was given by another spouse of someone with cancer.  I HOPE THAT NOTHING I SAY HURTS YOU, BUT GIVES YOU PEACE THAT YOU CAN AND WILL SURVIVE.  I will tell you things to help you prepare for your loss and things to help you plan your life after your loss.

PREPARE:  Have your husband record video messages to your children for things in the future and just in general.  It will be hard, but when the time comes, you will cherish the fact that you have them.  Record, take pictures, and write letters to anyone that you feel you need to.  Your children will want to see the way their father was with them, your stories will be wonderful, but seeing is knowing.  Make sure that you discuss with your husband things you fear, even the things you think you cannot say out loud.  You have to talk about things that most couples don't have to, and when I say everything I mean everything!  My husband and I have talked about things like... How he wants me to one day find happiness with someone else, and I didn't want ot talk about that!  I couldn't imagine that, but it was something that he wanted to talk about.  He wanted to make sure that I knew he was okay with me one day loving someone else.   We talked about the girls; certain things that he wants for them and about how I will raise them in the future (dating, cars, punishments, marriage ect..).  Like I said this will all be the most difficult you will ever face, but if you do not spend the time now, you cannot gain it back later.  If you don't prepare, you will more than likely regret it later.

AFTER:  Obviously you will need to be strong for your children, but don't forget about yourself.  Once you feel the time is right and your children have family they can stay with, you should take a weekend getaway just for yourself.  To think, to cry, to remember, to be angry, to recover.  This may seem crazy, but when the time is right, you need to release - by yourself.  Alot of times we hold it in because we don't want to upset others that are grieving as well.  This should not take away from your own grieving.  You will survive, it will just take time.  You will learn to love life again and the simple things.  To answer your question, 'Is there life after this?'  Yes, there is!  You need to make plans, like little anniversaries, for your healing process.  At the time you make them, they will seem far off, but as each one approaches, you will look at time that has past and see how much you have healed.  Don't think of the healing process as 'getting over it'.  You will never get over it, but instead it is the process of 'accepting it'.  I think after someone you love passes, you need time to accept the reality of it and that to me is what the healing process means.  When you look up and realize that you are okay and have survived, that is when your 'next life' has begun.  The 'next life' is the adjusted life you make for yourself because it is not the one you planned.  It will still be a great life, just adjusted. 

I hope that something I said helps you to prepare and plan.  It is awful and unfair, and I know the time that you have is precious and sacred.  Take care!  Dana

Thank you so much.  What you said is so true and sensible - in another life me and you could be great friends.  We have had a bad day 3 fits today - 3 ambulances - but it is over now and things seem quiet - for now.  We are so young to have to deal with this sadness but for some reason this is our destiny.  Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to me - I am sorry for you too.  Does your husband have fits too? If you have the time I would love to keep talking to you - maybe we can help each other.

My best wishes & love to you all Lindsey x

 What a wonderful way to put things..Thanks!!

On 4/30/2007 Dana123 wrote:

Hello, my husband has Stage 3 brain cancer.  We have 2 daughters, 6 & 3, and I am 27 and he is 30.  All that I can offer is some advise that I was given by another spouse of someone with cancer.  I HOPE THAT NOTHING I SAY HURTS YOU, BUT GIVES YOU PEACE THAT YOU CAN AND WILL SURVIVE.  I will tell you things to help you prepare for your loss and things to help you plan your life after your loss.

PREPARE:  Have your husband record video messages to your children for things in the future and just in general.  It will be hard, but when the time comes, you will cherish the fact that you have them.  Record, take pictures, and write letters to anyone that you feel you need to.  Your children will want to see the way their father was with them, your stories will be wonderful, but seeing is knowing.  Make sure that you discuss with your husband things you fear, even the things you think you cannot say out loud.  You have to talk about things that most couples don't have to, and when I say everything I mean everything!  My husband and I have talked about things like... How he wants me to one day find happiness with someone else, and I didn't want ot talk about that!  I couldn't imagine that, but it was something that he wanted to talk about.  He wanted to make sure that I knew he was okay with me one day loving someone else.   We talked about the girls; certain things that he wants for them and about how I will raise them in the future (dating, cars, punishments, marriage ect..).  Like I said this will all be the most difficult you will ever face, but if you do not spend the time now, you cannot gain it back later.  If you don't prepare, you will more than likely regret it later.

AFTER:  Obviously you will need to be strong for your children, but don't forget about yourself.  Once you feel the time is right and your children have family they can stay with, you should take a weekend getaway just for yourself.  To think, to cry, to remember, to be angry, to recover.  This may seem crazy, but when the time is right, you need to release - by yourself.  Alot of times we hold it in because we don't want to upset others that are grieving as well.  This should not take away from your own grieving.  You will survive, it will just take time.  You will learn to love life again and the simple things.  To answer your question, 'Is there life after this?'  Yes, there is!  You need to make plans, like little anniversaries, for your healing process.  At the time you make them, they will seem far off, but as each one approaches, you will look at time that has past and see how much you have healed.  Don't think of the healing process as 'getting over it'.  You will never get over it, but instead it is the process of 'accepting it'.  I think after someone you love passes, you need time to accept the reality of it and that to me is what the healing process means.  When you look up and realize that you are okay and have survived, that is when your 'next life' has begun.  The 'next life' is the adjusted life you make for yourself because it is not the one you planned.  It will still be a great life, just adjusted. 

I hope that something I said helps you to prepare and plan.  It is awful and unfair, and I know the time that you have is precious and sacred.  Take care!  Dana

 All the best my friend it is now inGods hands...

On 4/23/2007 5ccelauren wrote:

Hello,

I am in London, my husband has Stage Iv Melanoma and is fading fast - we went over 5 years with nothing and then it came back in his lung - after an operation they told us just to come back for a 6 month CT scan which was back in December and were told it had gone everywhere and we had 5-6 months and to go and enjoy ourselves - we have 2 children aged 3 & 1 and I am one of the few people who really loves their husband.  It has since spread to his brain and we found out last week that where there were 2 tumours there are now 6 - one is the size of a tennis ball - he now has over 40 tumours - he is dying in front of my eyes and there is nothing I can do - someone tell me there is life after all this and give me hope where right now there is none - I love him - I don't want to say goodbye - I am 34 years old I am too young to be alone - help x 

You have my sympathy.  This is not an easy time in your life, and it will not get easier for a long while, but it will become normal again.  Just a different kind of normal than you are used to. Make the best of your remaining time together as a couple, and with the kids, as a family.

My Mom was widowed at 30, with 3 children ages 7, almost 2 and almost 1.  It was an accident, and there were no time for extra memories to be made, wrongs to be righted, or even goodbyes.

She is a meek and externally not strong, yet she did it.  She had no choice, and she did a wonderful job, may I add.  Right now, I am here, because this wonderful person is battling Stage IV Colon Ca at 66 years young.

Life is not fair, and no one ever said it would be.  Hang on to that "once in a lifetime love" that some folks never have, and enjoy the 2 precious children that were brought about by this love.

Hang on.  Get support and be strong.  You can and will do whatever needs to be done.  For your childrens sake, and in a living tribute to this wonderful man you love.

Blessings~~

~~Beth~~