From Denial To Reality

Most days I am very optomistic, but not today.

On Jan.10,2007 I lost a very dear friend to a long battle with colon cancer.He lived much longer than the Doctors expected, but he suffered far more than you could imagine possible. So, I know the battle with this brutal disease. Also, on Jan 10,2007 my Fathers doctor of 27 years  called me to say that they had discovered a tumor on my Fathers lung and would need to test further to make a determination. After C/T scans, PET scans,2 biopsies,we got the diagnosis that noone ever wants to hear,Stage-4 terminal lung cancer (this is difficult to absorb as my Dad was not sick at this point, only went for a routine exam) Several Doctors later we made a decision to try Chemo to improve his quality of life (estimated maybe a year w/ Chemo,  6 months w/o)  He had 2 Chemo treatments in Feb, and 2 in Mar. After the 2 treatments in Feb, he was incredibly sick and had 2 be given 2 units of blood. After the 2 treatments in Mar, he was hospitalized for 6 days and had to be given 3 units of blood. While in the hospital the scans showed that the tumors had grown and spread. To put it bluntly I was told that the cancer had taken over.My Father now has Liver function problems, kidney function problems, digestive problems, pain throughout his body, He hasn't driven his car since Mar 29 when he was hospitalized.His oncologist wants to continue Chemo, even though the cancer is non responsive, and the Chemo is killing him. My Father has declined Chemo at this time. I'm not even sure we should have done it at all, but that is done. His GP has made the decision to turn him over to Hospice Care at this time. We are to meet with Hopsice Care on Monday evening 4/30. My Father is still in shock or denial about the extent of his disease. He is 71 and will tell you he still hopes to live to be 100. He told me last night, he hopes he has a few years or more, but if he doesn't then he's ok with that too. His Doctor told me on Thursday that he thought  my Dad might live a few more months if nothing unexpected happens, but I dont have the heart to tell my Dad that. My father and Mother divorced 17 years ago and my Father never re-married so he lives alone. I am and will be his primary caregiver, and the responsibility is sometimes overwhelming, trying to plan and prepare for the future, when none of us really know what the future holds. The only thing I know is that right now is all we have, and we have to make each day count.

I pray that God will give me the courage and the strength to see to it that my Dad maintain his dignity in life and death. I pray that God will provide mercy when it is most needed.

This is my first time on a message board, sorry if I rambled, I didn't realize I had so much to say. My question is "How do you accept the reality of your situation without feeling like you're giving up or giving in?"

I'm so sorry to hear about your father.  I commend you for being his caregiver, therefore he is truly not alone.  I hope you have other support so you can get a much needed break on the difficult days.  I'm new to this message board and have found it very comforting.  My husband was recently diagnosed but I'm hopeful after chemo and radiation we can put this behind us. 

 Your dad sounds like a wonderful man wanting to live on.  Ones attitude has alot to do with it.   Although the outcome is inevitable, it's important that the time he has left is quality time.  Take time to take care of yourself as well.  I'm well aware of the roller coaster ride this disease sends you on.  Most days, I'm positive but my down days are mentally taxing.  I wish you all the best in caring for your dad so please keep in touch.  I truly care how you fare in the next couple months.  Be good to yourself so you can be good for him.  God Bless.

Your question is something that I have struggled with and work through everyday.  I was never actually able to put our struggle into the form of a question.(If that makes any sense) It actually has helped me understand some of my emotions and how we have come this far. For us - we have kept it surreal. The doctors, the treatments, the bad days is what keeps it real.  For us, the giving up or giving in is the most heartwrenching. So, I let him call the shots and support him in any way I can. And make sure those around us do the same. Your Dad knows the reality because he faces it each day. We know it as well. And our loved one who are ill, understand how worried we are, and more than likely, I have found, know when we keep things from them. But, in our case, he would just know I would make sure everything is okay.  (They tend to be more worried about us.) ~~ My husband is fighting each day, with every breathe not to give up or give in. He never will, and I would not take that away from him. I see him suffer some days and would do anything to make it go away and better for him. ~  I also see the strength and determination in his actions and how grateful he is to have another good day because he did not give in. ~~Everyone is different. The way "our patients" deal with this, and those of us caring for them, we are all different. We all get through it somehow - hopefully. Finding what works for you doesn't come easy. It does not get easier when the bad days start to come more often.

The days when you are so tired and your Dad is so tired, is maybe when to lean on each other. There were so many times when I have become so angry or scared - I should have shared it with him, talked to him. We've been doing this for 2 years, and I am still discovering things he needs or needed, but I was afraid - afraid of the reality. ~~~ (As I write this, right this moment, I have just found the answer to my recent anger - extreme anger) But let me share this first.

Support your Dad and his hope. Listen to him and share in his fight to not give in or give up. The reality is always there and will tear your heart out when certain things must be faced because of it. I had days when I would look him and his frail body and would have to go outside so I could break down. But now, truly,  All I see is Kevin.

It's been so hard. Though, in the last few weeks , we have decided to renew our vows. I have never felt such anger in my life. The anger comes from the reality. The decision to renew our love for each other, is the not giving in.

I don't know you or your family. We all have found different ways of coping with this - THING. There will be days when no matter what happens or the feelings of "I shouldn't feel this way.",  somedays - you will be weak. That's helplesness. So , be weak, cry, be angry - whatever. But for now, I'll say this -  Your words came through with an obvious unconditional love you and your family share. You protect each other  - that is an awesome strength.

You will come to find, it's okay to laugh and be happy. Draw off your Dads strength. Make him happy by supporting him. Kevin is still here against all odds. He made the most out his situation. His physical quality of life of course has suffered. An acceptance I cannot even imagine. Now, what matters most  - he knows he is still in love, he knows he is "kicking cancer a--", he can still plant flowers, again, we are going fishing when it stops raining,  - We make plans. Sometimes we can follow through, sometimes we can't. People Living with Cancer is not a clique.

Well - I apologize for going on and on and on - Guess I needed to get some things out.

Great big hugs you and your family.

You are doing everything right in that you are demonstrating your love for your father.  That is all you need to do.  Trust your instincts.  Your love will guide you to do the right things. 

Best Regards

Linda Lou