Exausted, therapy?

On 5/27/2007 Memee4816 wrote:

 

On 5/19/2007 Babysteps4me wrote:

   Brandon...I am not usually a confrontive person...but I had to respond to you letter....it made me so angry I could spit...As a cancer patient, that has been battling stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, with many reoccurances and on going treatment for years just to stay alive to raise my son's...you need to know that this is not about YOU!!!! Get over it...she is your wife....you have no idea what she is going through, until you yourself have had cancer and treatments...You complain about being tired....dear God, do you know what your wife has had to endure??? And you have little time to yourself..., you would have plenty of time, if this illness took her life....Do whatever you have to do to help the one you are supposed to love...in sickness and in health...get therapy..take pills, whatever it takes...for you to be a man and stop complaining...I have found there is a certain percentage of men....that just do not get it...If you were sick, your wife would be there taking care of you, as most women would....she would not be thinking of her discomfort....so, stop,this whinning about yourself...take care of your wife,and all the things that need to be done....try your best to keep burdons off of her..and pray that this is only a small period of your life and your wife will be well...to continue this journey called life.......A long time cancer patient

 

That's really not fair to Brandon. He is seeking help so he can help his wife and be the support she needs without breaking down himself. I have unfortunately been on both sides of this issue. When I was diagnosed with uterine cancer my husband was there for me. He took care of me in ways I never wanted him to, some of the things I needed help with I thought would change any romantic feelings he could ever have for me again, fortuntely I was wrong about that and our life continued. While I was sick I was as worried about him as I was about myself. I made a point to call a friend of his to arrange time out - I gave him my sisters phone number and between the two of them they got him out for breaks and she would "insist" he needed to go and give the two of us our girl time.

Now it's my turn to care for him. He has Stage 4 colon cancer - second occurance in 5 months. I recognize some of the feelings he's having when I have to clean him up from a bowel movement or from vomitting. I just tell him he's not getting out of the contract we signed 27 years ago and the oath we took before God "In sickness and in health". He remembers my girl time with my sister and now insists on some sports talk with a buddy or one of his brothers and sends me packing for lunch or dinner with the girls.

We talk candidly about how hard this is on us - either as the patient or as the caregiver. It's not a pity party of who has the been given the worst deal in this mess, just a reminder that we're both hurting and scared in our own way and need each other but need breaks too.

On 5/17/2007 Brandon-cg wrote:

Thank you, thank you to every one who responded. I can't thank you enough for the reassurance that I am doing the best I can. My doctor means well, but I agree with all of you and my gut, that some one to talk with will help in some way. It's so helpful to get some perspective that what I am feeling is not so unique, that there are some solutions and some realities that come with this territory. To all who shared their stories, my thoughts are with you. bk

Dear Brandon,

First, of course, I am heartfully sorry about your situation.  I have been on Cancer Compass for a short time but have never posted in this area.  My 88 year-old father has stage IV tongue cancer so I post at Head and Neck Cancers.

Anyhow, you are most certainly dealing with the toughest of tough situations, and we who are not in your shoes cannot tell you what to do.  However, I heard your voice of "help me" in your original post and I would like to add my thoughts to the many others who have written.

Doing what feels right to you is the right thing to do.  I have several years of experience with therapy, beginning when a family member attempted suicide, and going through my mother's six-year illness, the exhaustion of my caretaking of her (a privilege I would dearly love to have again, despite the exhaustion), her death, my extended grief, and now my father's cancer.  My father has a very nasty personality, and I have dealt my whole life with that, trying to be a daughter he would be proud of, trying mightily for a satisfying father-daughter relationship.  It is not to be, I guess.  Therapy has been of ongoing help in that respect for me, too.  I am epileptic, and he has been of immense help to me in the management of my seizures, and he visits me when I am of necessity hospitalized.

I have found that having an objective person, someone who is non-judgmental of how I am feeling, is an asset beyond jewels.  He and I are a good fit, and have actually become friends over the years.  Of course there are people in the field who are not good, as is true anywhere, but if you should be so fortunate to find a good psychologist, it might well seem like a gift to you.

Benefits for me have included:

*a safe place to express whatever I am feeling

*an hour (or sometimes more) a week that feels like a safe haven

*an understanding listener who really cares what I am going through

*someone who allows me to take the lead, then he suggests and recommends based on what I have said

*a place where I can cry, scream, swear or whatever without feeling that I have to censor the strong emotions I am feeling

*a place where I can be absolutely honest about my situation without fear of judgment in any way (this is so very freeing, and it lifts emotional boulders off my shoulders)

*someone with professional skill to interpret the meaning of my struggles to me

*someone who has the ability to be very helpful with my practical, emotional and, for me, spiritual needs

*someone who is able to point me in the direction of other people or resources to help

I can tell you that when I go there, I enter the waiting room and feel as if the rest of the world has disappeared just for a time.  The soft music in the background is comforting.  When M. comes to get me for my appointment I find myself looking forward to sitting down in his comfortable office, which is more like a small living room. 

I am always the first to speak, other than the basic preliminaries.  Even "How are you?" is a huge question.  Often it's all that's needed to take me through the hour. 

I sit down, relax, sometimes take a deep breath, and just talk.  He is quiet and respectful of what I have to say and how I say it.  He is a listener par excellence.  He remembers from week to week the details of my story, and is able to put pieces together that even I forget.

It is really a gentling down of what might have been a horrendous week.  I always feel much better, calmer, more balanced, and more understood and appreciated when I leave his office.  Sometimes I don't even say much, but tell M. that I have the need to just be quiet.  That's all right with him.  He really lets me lead.  If I seem stuck, he might say, "How are you emotionally?" 

I know that others have told you that therapy will probably not help you.  I think it depends on your personality, your willingness to open up to someone else, your ability to lay out your situation honestly, and your vulnerability to trusting someone else to grip your hand through this very rocky terrain.

For me, therapy has been an absolute godsend, and I don't know what I would have done without it. 

I wish you well, and your wife, too, of course.  I would like hearing from you again.  I am writing this on September 2, so I do not know what your situation is now.  But I wish all good things for you and your family.  God's blessings upon you and your wife.

Maggie