Refuses Support

Hi,

About 5 months ago, my boyfriend discovered a small bump under his arm.  It was later found that it's a cancerous malignant and surgery has been performed to remove it.  About 2 months later, the bump seemed to have returned and he was scheduled for radiation treatments.  The problem is...that's about all I know about his condition.  He refuses to let me know any detailed information or to go with him to his treatments.  He's only notified a cousin of his who's usually the person to drive him to his treatments.  Whenever I try to ask about the condition, he just tells me that he doesn't know.  I don't even know what type of cancer he has.  The treatments have obviously taken a tole on his health and he's constantly tired and feeling nauseas.  I have to respect his decision not to tell anyone about this, but I feel completely helpless.  I'm constantly pushed away whenever I offer to help and he has expressed that he doesn't want "pity" from me.  Does anyone have any tips on what I can do at this stage and maybe what I can offer to help him?

Thanks in advance for your suggestions.

Sounds like the old "head in the sand" approach to dealing with cancer. I wish i could be like that, but i'm wayyyy too rooted in reality. I find some people like to talk about it, some want to just "think positive" (is that ignoring it?) and some friends have just FLED.

Basically, all i can say is that however he wants to deal with it, i think he should be able to. Try to remember that you love him (if you do) and that this might be his request from you. If you can, ignore it and have a good time with him. If it is driving you crazy, try to find a friend to dump on about it. And if it is driving you too crazy, tell him that you can't handle it anymore and you have to know or you walk. Then talk or walk.

I know i have gone thru a personality change. I'm having a hard time dealing with things unless I just shut off and go about my business. Then I can at least get thru the day. At night, I fluctuate from "what the hell, have another, I'm going to die anyway," to "I'm gonna beat this no matter what, let's make plans for 5 years from now."

If you love him, try to stick with him and process emotionally later. If not, then.... I don't know. This is one of the big mysteries of life. I haven't figured it out yet, if I ever do at all.

His way of dealing with things right now seems to be exactly what you described your personality change to be.  He goes to work, gets home exhausted and shuts out everything.  He sometimes mentions what he's going to do in the future, other times jokes about how he's probably dead by the time whatever's done.  (in fact, he did that today and to my own surprise, I took it really harshly.  He then realized that joke went overboard and apologized for it)

 

My boyfriend has RCC and there is NO cure so maybe things are a little different for us,but as his caretaker I have come to realize that no matter what I want him to do the decision is his and because I love him I have to deal with his decisions on my own and in my own way.  I think you should just let him deal with it whatever way he wants to at least for now.  It may be helpful to you if you can get him to tell you what type of cancer he has so that way you can educate yourself, for yourself so you at least know what he/you are up against, that may help you to feel better.  He may also be keeping things from you because he loves you and doesn't want to drag you into the hurt of it all. Like I said you kind of have to let him deal with things the way he wants to, and remember that it's his body that is going through all of these changes.  I totally understand how you feel but when it comes to cancer it has to be on his terms.  Cancer sucks for everyone involved but he's gotta do it his way it's not up to you unfortunately. 

Since the last time I've posted here about my boyfriend refusing support, we grew further and further apart.  There was one point when he suddenly seemed like he was willing to share his feelings and he told me that he's had 4 radiation treatments, but I didn't even dare asking him what type of cancer he has.  (or I've tried but have had no answer)  Lately, we hardly get to communicate.  He's doing everything else as if life's normal, except he's hardly talking to me.  I try to call and I write him emails to keep myself updated,  even though we live only 10 minutes away from each other but he hardly replies with much.  I can never seem to find him.

Today, he wrote me a text message to tell me he's been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and that he has a lot to deal with, with the daily insulin injections and everything.  He's still keeping all of this from his family. 

I'm frustrated with how I'm expected to be extremely understanding while being kept in the dark day after day.  He's currently a big mystery to me and the last time I suggested that we be friends instead, he threatened that he'll ban me from his "funeral" in the future.  I don't know what to do because he keeps saying that of all people, he expects me to understand how he has no time for me, yet I can't even consider myself to be a caregiver or even a supporting friend because I hardly know what's going on.  Whenever I express my frustrations to him, he tells me that he's disappointed with me.  What am I supposed to do?

 

On 7/29/2007 Confusedgfriend wrote:

Since the last time I've posted here about my boyfriend refusing support, we grew further and further apart.  There was one point when he suddenly seemed like he was willing to share his feelings and he told me that he's had 4 radiation treatments, but I didn't even dare asking him what type of cancer he has.  (or I've tried but have had no answer)  Lately, we hardly get to communicate.  He's doing everything else as if life's normal, except he's hardly talking to me.  I try to call and I write him emails to keep myself updated,  even though we live only 10 minutes away from each other but he hardly replies with much.  I can never seem to find him.

Today, he wrote me a text message to tell me he's been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes and that he has a lot to deal with, with the daily insulin injections and everything.  He's still keeping all of this from his family. 

I'm frustrated with how I'm expected to be extremely understanding while being kept in the dark day after day.  He's currently a big mystery to me and the last time I suggested that we be friends instead, he threatened that he'll ban me from his "funeral" in the future.  I don't know what to do because he keeps saying that of all people, he expects me to understand how he has no time for me, yet I can't even consider myself to be a caregiver or even a supporting friend because I hardly know what's going on.  Whenever I express my frustrations to him, he tells me that he's disappointed with me.  What am I supposed to do?

E Komo Mai (Welcome)

Hmm !!! You have a stubborn man.  It really sounds like you love him and are besides yourself.  Most men do not like to burden their women with health issues.  I am a 2 time thyroid cancer survivor.  From my experience, a good support system is what kept me fighting for my life.  Yes, there are times I would like to just forget it all but reality is reality.  After my second surgery, my husband and I live each day like it was our last.  No regrets !!!  Cancer is an awful disease and everyone has their moments.  I know I tried to push my husband away a million of times.  He stuck by me and hasn't given up yet.  He is my best friend and we talk about everything.  I am so sorry that he will not confide in you about his cancer.  Now he has diabetes to deal with on top of cancer.  It's going to be his decision to knock that wall down and let you into his world.  He's going through denial, anger, sorrow and an emotional rollercoaster right now.  Try to give him room to come to grips with everything.  I know when I was first diagnosed with cancer it took me awhile before I could even say "cancer". We don't have all the answers but maybe you could seek spiritual advice to ease your pain.  I give you strength to overlook his behavior and remember why you feel in love with him.  When he's ready, he will let you in.  Stay positive!  Take Care & God Bless.

Aloha, Paulette