New To This

I've been reading over some of your posts the past couple of nights, and don't really know what to say or where to start, but I could really use a pep-talk from some people who have been there, and are going through similar experiences.

 I'm a 36 year-old mother of three busy teenage boys, fiance to the most amazing God-send of a man I've ever known, sister of a wonderful but (geographically) distant woman who is busy with two small children, and daughter of a father who has diabetes and had a quintuple bypass a week and a half ago, and finally, I am the oldest and closest daughter of a mother just recently diagnosed with IIIA Lung Cancer for which we have been told (by three different doctors) that surgery is not an option. My mother will be starting chemo this coming week, and radiation the following week.

I have been to all of her appointments thus far, and will continue to be the main caregiver, especially until my father is in better health (though I hear that his recovery from the 5-way bypass will be a long one.) I work a fulltime job as well, though I am extremely fortunate in that I do work from home by computer and telephone (home is across the street from my parents' home) and that I work the grave shift (11:00pm-7:30am ET) so I am able to attend to my parents' needs during the day and take naps in between. I am getting married June 9th. The man I am marrying is very supportive, and helps me, my kids, and my parents any way that he can. My teenage boys are very busy, but they are also able to help here and there. However, we aren't even into chemo yet, and I am feeling teary-eyed and tired already. I know I have it in me to do this, but some words of wisdom from others would really help here.

My best friend is a nurse, but lives many states away. She tells me that my mother may become very sick, very tired, and that I need to take care of myself first and foremost so that I am able to care for her and my father through his recovery. Again, any insight on what to expect, and maybe how to deal with the emotions of what is happenning with our family would really help me right now. Thanks for your time.

Hi,

My name is Iris, I'm 61 years old and living in the Netherlands. My husband was diagnosed with in incurable Klatskin tumor 1.5 months ago. The cancer has spread and surgery has been tried, but was hopeless. We have only weeks to go.

Like you, I am new to this. He allways has been a very sportive (squash, running, biking) and healthy man. Clean and carefull on his body, never sick or ill. It feels like a nightmare and every day I look at him and think "this can't be true". But it is.

We have a very good marriage and two wonderfull grown-up boys. We try to not let us get down with this verdict, but enjoy every day we wake up together.

Just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through. Be strong, but not too strong. Crying sometimes is good to empty the bucket of your emotions. Take good care of yourself physically, so you can stay a help to the loved ones around you. But also, and this is very important, take a day for yourself every once in a while. Even when your heart is crying, it is good to visit friends, do some nice shopping, or treat yourself at the hairdresser or with some new clothing.

I wish you all the strength you can get and hope that your mother can be treated well.

Love, Iris.

On 5/27/2007 Flower1 wrote:

Hi,

My name is Iris, I'm 61 years old and living in the Netherlands. My husband was diagnosed with in incurable Klatskin tumor 1.5 months ago. The cancer has spread and surgery has been tried, but was hopeless. We have only weeks to go.

Like you, I am new to this. He allways has been a very sportive (squash, running, biking) and healthy man. Clean and carefull on his body, never sick or ill. It feels like a nightmare and every day I look at him and think "this can't be true". But it is.

We have a very good marriage and two wonderfull grown-up boys. We try to not let us get down with this verdict, but enjoy every day we wake up together.

Just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through. Be strong, but not too strong. Crying sometimes is good to empty the bucket of your emotions. Take good care of yourself physically, so you can stay a help to the loved ones around you. But also, and this is very important, take a day for yourself every once in a while. Even when your heart is crying, it is good to visit friends, do some nice shopping, or treat yourself at the hairdresser or with some new clothing.

I wish you all the strength you can get and hope that your mother can be treated well.

Love, Iris.

Dear Iris,

Thank you so much for your reply. My heart goes out to you. It's so hard to see the people we love so much become more and more ill and knowing that we will soon be without them. I am trying so hard to be strong for my parents, but at night when they are not around, I cry my eyes out. I mourn for them, the pain that they are going through, and for myself and my children who will miss them so very much. It's so hard to imagine life without my mother. I'm sure you are going through the same thing with your husband.

Thank you for the care you took in composing your reply to me. It means more than you know.

Wishing you the best,

Susan