Feeling Lost, Scared, Angry

My Dad is now suffering with liver cancer.  Many treatments, nothing is working.  He's suffering everyday.  Even though I'm an adult with my own family I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under me.  I'm a scared little girl again and don't know what to do.  Now he confides in me and leans on me for support.  I'm happy to give it but the role reversal has been so quick it leaves my head spinning.  I feel as if I was living in a protective bubble for 43 years and now - bam!  Wake up, grow up - now!
I don't have all the answers, I don't know what to do but I feel as if I should.  How do I continue to keep my life organized and under control?  How do I protect my child from the hurt and fear of having a grandfather that is so ill when he's always been strong and active?  How do I face the inevitable?  I know there are no answers and nothing about this awful disease is fair.  I just don't know.

Thank you for providing a place to let this all out.

Hi,  My situation isn't exactly the same, but I know how you feel.  I'm 24 and my mum was diagnosed 5 years ago with multiple myeloma. As I was only a teenager when mum was first diagnosed I didn't deal with things, I pretty much ran away from them.  Since then mum has had a couple of years of remission and now is looking at a transplant.  In the passed couple of years - since things haven't been so positive - I've really struggled with what will eventually be inevitable.  I've grown up so quickly in passed five years, I'm marrried with a mortgage and I've had to really talk myself out of having children.  My husband pretty much sat me down and said living your whole life now isn't going to make your mum better.  I don't know whether to live the life I want or the one that will leave me with the least regrets when she's not hear.  I always wonder if it would be easier if I was older with children and they would have atleast had my mum in their lives....you've made me realise that it doesn't matter what stage in life I'm always going to want more, whether it's for me, my mum  or my family.  I'm not angry - there are so many people out there in much worst situations then my mum.  However, I'm feeling extremely lost - I'm not sure what's important anymore.  Work - no. Money - no. Family - yes.   I'm struggling with my study and my job.  I'm not interested in all things I thought I wanted in my life.  I just wish I could take care of my family.  Unfortunately my mum cares too much about to let me stop living my life.  I don't know if I can help you, but it would be nice to talk to someone that might understand how I feel.  When I have bad days, I don't know who to turn to - the only person that understands how I feel is my mum and that's the only person I can't lean on - she needs me to be strong.  Postive throughts for you and your family.  Kind regards, Bec

On 6/13/2007 Swim Dog wrote:

My Dad is now suffering with liver cancer.  Many treatments, nothing is working.  He's suffering everyday.  Even though I'm an adult with my own family I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under me.  I'm a scared little girl again and don't know what to do.  Now he confides in me and leans on me for support.  I'm happy to give it but the role reversal has been so quick it leaves my head spinning.  I feel as if I was living in a protective bubble for 43 years and now - bam!  Wake up, grow up - now!
I don't have all the answers, I don't know what to do but I feel as if I should.  How do I continue to keep my life organized and under control?  How do I protect my child from the hurt and fear of having a grandfather that is so ill when he's always been strong and active?  How do I face the inevitable?  I know there are no answers and nothing about this awful disease is fair.  I just don't know.

Thank you for providing a place to let this all out.

I know what you are going through. My perfectly healthy husband was diagnosed with a deadly tumor in the bile ducts and the liver. He is only 61 and has allways lived a sportive and healthy life. Never ill, his body looks like that of a 26 year old (even the doctors said that).

We have a couple of weeks/months left. And I too, am thrown out of my safe world.

However, we allways have shared our happiness. Now I am very much willing to share this part of life with him. He is mentally very strong. At this moment not yet in pain. We are enjoying every day we wake up together. This week he started to go back to work for a couple of half days per week. We realize how rich we have been in our lifes together, loving each other so much and having two wonderful grown-up sons.

Everybody is at some point going to die. The choice is not ours. Now you can go grieving, kicking and screaming. And you can go with the full knowledge of what a wonderful moments in life you had up till now. And trying to continue that for as long as you can.

I, too, am strong now. For him. Of course there are tears, sometimes. But much more there are moments of laughter, of undergoing the smell of flowers and the feeling of the sun. The enjoyment when our boys come home for a day, or a weekend.

This Sunday is Fathersday in the Netherlands. I arranged a surprise-weekend, with our sons. We are going to make this last fathersday a memorable one.

I hope you can find the strength to find this kind of peace. Remember the good and wonderfull times and don't spoil them with grieving too much. I know at one moment my husband will not be with me anymore. But I told him that I would never again be without him. Because all things around me will remember me of him. And I will be thankful for his love and protection, and smile when I think of him. Through my tears.

I wish you and your family all the best.

Iris.

On 6/13/2007 Swim Dog wrote:

My Dad is now suffering with liver cancer.  Many treatments, nothing is working.  He's suffering everyday.  Even though I'm an adult with my own family I feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under me.  I'm a scared little girl again and don't know what to do.  Now he confides in me and leans on me for support.  I'm happy to give it but the role reversal has been so quick it leaves my head spinning.  I feel as if I was living in a protective bubble for 43 years and now - bam!  Wake up, grow up - now!
I don't have all the answers, I don't know what to do but I feel as if I should.  How do I continue to keep my life organized and under control?  How do I protect my child from the hurt and fear of having a grandfather that is so ill when he's always been strong and active?  How do I face the inevitable?  I know there are no answers and nothing about this awful disease is fair.  I just don't know.

Thank you for providing a place to let this all out.

I don't know that anything I can say will make you feel more at peace but  reading your e-mails and the other replays has given me some comfort in that I don't feel so terribly alone.  I know exactly what you mean when you say it's like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you.  My dad was diagnosed with Stage IV Melanoma almost a month ago. He's been undergoing a whole list of treatments, and I am doing everything in my power to be positive and to keep my dad feeling positive. However, he has become so week and so thin that the doctor yesterday decided to give him a break from chemo for a week with hopes to restart on a lower dose. I don't know what all of that means, but I know it can't be good.  My dad is 64; his dad, still alive, is 95.  I guess I had always assumed that with modern medicine and his family history of long life that my dad would be around for years and years to come, certainly long enough to see me grow old (I'm 37) and see my daughter at least graduate from high school (she's 2 1/2).  I know that's probably not going to be the case now, and I'm just in complete disbelief. This is like a nightmare, and I keep thinking I'm going to wake up. I just can't imagine my life without my dad in it.  Anyway, I've been spending as much time as I possibly can with him and making sure he sees his graddaughter as often as possible -- I guess I'm trying to cram in as much life as I can. With a full time job, child and husband, that's a plate full to overflowing.  I'm terrified of the future -- never hearing my dad's voice again or being able to ask him for advice; being responsible for taking care of my 95 year old grandfather 2 hours away (I'm an only child just like my dad); worrying about my mom being by herself; holidays without my dad...the list goes on and on. It's just almost too much to bear at times.  One thing I do know is that it wouldn't matter when this happened, I am never going to be ready to say goodbye to my dad; it's always going to be too soon.  At least, I have the chance to say everything I should have been saying before he got sick and to appreciate every moment he and I have together.

 All the best to you and your father. I know this is awful for you and for him. Please know though that you are not alone.