I Feel Numb

Hi, i need to get this out of my system.

My Mum has been in hospital the last 2 weeks, with what we thought was gallstones. I found out on wednesday that she has Pancreatic Cancer that they cannot remove by surgery so she will be having chemo, if she decides that is what she wants to do.

I am absolutely devastated! I don't know what to do with myself, i'm an emotional wreck. People at work keep asking me how she is i can't hold it back and end up telling them everything and try not to breakdown in front of them, they are all being great but i don't want to burdon anyone with it, including my boyfriend who i live with.

I know i have to be strong for my Mum, and i'm really hoping i don't burst into tears when i go and see her tomorrow. I don't what i would do if i don't have her in my life. I just want someone to tell me it's all going to be ok and that the cancer is gone, which i know won't happen.

My Dad kept it from me, i guess he was trying to protect me as i am the youngest of six. I feel so angry that this kind of thing happens to people and nothing can be done. She had been going to her doctor with vomitting and stomach pains 3 times, they just kept giving her antibiotics and then were refusing to see her the 4th time when she had started to get the Jaundice the doctor eventually agreed to see her and referred her straight to hospital. I feel angry, upset and i wish it was me and not her.

On 6/15/2007 Alecia wrote:

Hi, i need to get this out of my system.

My Mum has been in hospital the last 2 weeks, with what we thought was gallstones. I found out on wednesday that she has Pancreatic Cancer that they cannot remove by surgery so she will be having chemo, if she decides that is what she wants to do.

I am absolutely devastated! I don't know what to do with myself, i'm an emotional wreck. People at work keep asking me how she is i can't hold it back and end up telling them everything and try not to breakdown in front of them, they are all being great but i don't want to burdon anyone with it, including my boyfriend who i live with.

I know i have to be strong for my Mum, and i'm really hoping i don't burst into tears when i go and see her tomorrow. I don't what i would do if i don't have her in my life. I just want someone to tell me it's all going to be ok and that the cancer is gone, which i know won't happen.

My Dad kept it from me, i guess he was trying to protect me as i am the youngest of six. I feel so angry that this kind of thing happens to people and nothing can be done. She had been going to her doctor with vomitting and stomach pains 3 times, they just kept giving her antibiotics and then were refusing to see her the 4th time when she had started to get the Jaundice the doctor eventually agreed to see her and referred her straight to hospital. I feel angry, upset and i wish it was me and not her.

Alecia, pancreatic cancer is nasty stuff, but it is not necessarily the end of your mother's world, at least any time soon. Everyone on this message board has experienced to some degree exactly the reaction you are going through. When I was diagnosed more than two years ago with Advanced Renal Cell Cancer, my surgeon gave me less than 6 months to live, unless I took a very agressive mission. If I did that, he would give me 8. Thanks for the support doc. Two years later I am not only alive but about to go out and cut the grass. But cancer is cancer and should be faced straight on, not only for you, but for your mom. It is diificult for the Warrior to be strong when members of the family are "falling apart." And right now she needs your strength and hugs, no kidding, hugs.

I write about this extensively on my blog and welcome you to read a little bit of it, especially about "terminal" prognoses. I think you--and your family--might find some strength there.  

David Foster

www.mpablog.typepad.com/david_foster 

Numb-

I can totally relate to how you are feeling, maybe not exactly as no one really can, but similiar. My mom has metastatic breast cancer. It is very difficult to see your mom I'm sure go through this painful process....and i have been for a few years now. Lately its been really really difficult. My suggestion to you is to stay strong for your mom, try not to show her your fear, fear can be a powerful negative energy. Just try to send her love and support.

However, the second suggestion i have for you, show your fear to your friends, let your emotions out, don't keep it inside! If you do it may come out somewhere where you'd rather it not, like it did for me on friday night out with a friend drinking...

life is tough. very though. but all we can do is trudge through, be strong, believe in miracles...and send love to your mom.

I hope things go well--and just because a doctor says one thing, doesn't always mean it is true, no one can tell how much a person has to live, or what will work or not work. Explore all your options, research and learn!!! Be your own advocates, these days you have to.

 Best wishes~

Angie