Hospice said a few weeks left. True?

history:

-stomach flu/food poisoing symptoms began in late april of 2006

-weight loss began

-diagnosed with stage IV PC in november of 2006, told one year to live, inoperable

-stomach by-pass done in december of 2006

-gemzar (chemo) begain in january of 2007

- chemo stopped late may of 2007 due to increased pain and weakness

my mother's appetitie was always weak after this began initially, but now she eats next to nothing.  a couple of spoonfuls is a huge victory.  hospice care started two weeks ago.  last week a hospice nurse told my dad he felt mom had only a few weeks left because of the amount of pain she was in.  the pain is now under control.  appetite is still weak.  she's gone from 180 lbs to just over 100 lbs since this started.  she sleeps a lot but i'm not sure if it's because she's dying or due to the pain meds.  she vomits a lot now.  almost daily.  she's still fighting though because she doesn't want to leave us.  i feel guilty because sometimes i feel i'd rather she let go and leave us versus watching her suffer and continue to worsen.  it's also taking a toll on familial relationships as we disagree on things and my dad is behaving selfishly at times and is unappreciative of all of the support he's getting from family to help take the burden off of him, not to mention he's not that reliable to keep her meds on schedule, etc.

can someone tell me what signs are there that signify the final weeks have approached?  how about the last days?  could the hospice nurse be wrong?  the after hours nurse told my dad about the few weeks being left, my mom's regular hospice nurse refuses to give us any "time estimate."

i need to know because we're approaching week two since being told and if it's true, i'd like to take some time away from work and be home next week.  if it's not true and mom has more time, i need to continue my alternating visits (i visit every other week for four to five days because i have a teenage son, a fulltime job, and other responsibilities to take care of at my home that is 90 minutes away).

i've been going back and forth since january of this year and it has been hard.  my dad takes this for granted and complains when i tell him i need time at my home for work, etc.  other relatives step in when i am away.  my dad also has the expectation of me moving back home.  i have a home i'm buying here and i don't feel it's fair for him to expect me to give up everything to move home if my mother is on her death bed.  what am i to do when she dies?  start all over again?  i'm 33 years old, a single mother of a 15 year old, trying to finish college, purchased my first home four years ago and have been blessed with a job here that is incredible.  sometimes i feel selfish for feeling like this.  but i truly am being there for my mother as much as i possibly can.  sometimes i feel like i'm about to have a nervous breakdown.

but my point in writing this is to find out how much time the symptoms my mother currently displays may state she has.  is the hospice nurse jumping the gun on this?  because i know my mother's condition is worsening, but she doesn't seem to be near death in my opinion. thoughts?

I can't say how much longer your mom has to live, but I know how much you want to be with her.  Remember, you have a life to continue to live.  I know you will feel guilty if you are not there by her side.  I was very upset to not be with some loved ones when they died, but  my friend asked me if I believed God was in control.  If you have faith, know he will have you there, if you are not there, know you did your best and continue to take care of yourself and your son.  Your son won't be living with you much longer.  Good luck.

Dawnella

I am sorry about your mother. I am a 32 yr old mom of a 4 yr old.  I lost my dad  9 months ago to IV PC.  It was so sudden, and the loss was so fast.  You were asking if Hospice is right?  My dad was diagnosed on Mother's Day last year after going to the emergency room for jaundice. We thought it was a gall stone blockage...NO!  They basically told us to go home, call Hospice because he only had a few months to live.  

Whatever!  We traveled to MD Anderson every two weeks for an experiemental chemo treatment, BUT I think now if we could change the past, the chemo may have made him weaker and sicker.  Nonetheless, we had to call Hospice.  You talk about not being there and feeling guilty...don't!  This is such a progessive cancer.  The doctor's at MD Anderson told us they could not believe how much chemo they gave my father, and this cancer was the "devil of all cancers!"  I felt guilty not being there as much as I was, but my husband and I own our own business, that we have to work.  Plus, we have a 4 yr. old.  When my dad was coherent, he was so greatful.  I think a part about being with your mom is when she was able to recognize and know that you are there for her.  I t came to a point that I was so sick and I couldn't help but to feel the same way.  NO MORE SUFFERING!  My mom couldn't see it because they had been married for 42yrs.

Not had it reduced, it had spread into his bones.  In a 4 month period my dad went from 218 to 145lbs.  Now we are talking signs.  Hospice moved the hospital bed in, and all the furniture.  My dad was so strong to!  He stayed in his recliner, and walked to the bathroom until they moved the bed in.  I think that's when he could let go, for us.   I watched my dad literally die, believe me I wish I could take that night back.  Hospice usually comes in the two-three weeks before death.  They are there because the family member is at home and they want them at home when they pass.  Hospice in our sense was fantastic.  Our Hospice nurse made sure my father would not suffer any longer, and would do what they call "the natural process of dying."  Which means to them a bunch of pain pathces, cough patches, because they are unable to swallow.  I think after the signs  (i.e. not being able to swallow, catheter) my dad had like 9 different medicated patches on him.   Hospice told us 2-10 days.  It was 3. 

My mother and I tried for so long to keep from calling Hospice because we saw that as the last hope.  Hospice was great.  Only had them for two weeks, but in our experience they knew what they were doing, and they made the dying process a lot easier.  

Trust your instincts, but trust Hospice...I'm looking for pc research & awareness everywhere! 

On 6/19/2007 Sickdad wrote:

I am sorry about your mother. I am a 32 yr old mom of a 4 yr old.  I lost my dad  9 months ago to IV PC.  It was so sudden, and the loss was so fast.  You were asking if Hospice is right?  My dad was diagnosed on Mother's Day last year after going to the emergency room for jaundice. We thought it was a gall stone blockage...NO!  They basically told us to go home, call Hospice because he only had a few months to live.  

Whatever!  We traveled to MD Anderson every two weeks for an experiemental chemo treatment, BUT I think now if we could change the past, the chemo may have made him weaker and sicker.  Nonetheless, we had to call Hospice.  You talk about not being there and feeling guilty...don't!  This is such a progessive cancer.  The doctor's at MD Anderson told us they could not believe how much chemo they gave my father, and this cancer was the "devil of all cancers!"  I felt guilty not being there as much as I was, but my husband and I own our own business, that we have to work.  Plus, we have a 4 yr. old.  When my dad was coherent, he was so greatful.  I think a part about being with your mom is when she was able to recognize and know that you are there for her.  I t came to a point that I was so sick and I couldn't help but to feel the same way.  NO MORE SUFFERING!  My mom couldn't see it because they had been married for 42yrs.

Not had it reduced, it had spread into his bones.  In a 4 month period my dad went from 218 to 145lbs.  Now we are talking signs.  Hospice moved the hospital bed in, and all the furniture.  My dad was so strong to!  He stayed in his recliner, and walked to the bathroom until they moved the bed in.  I think that's when he could let go, for us.   I watched my dad literally die, believe me I wish I could take that night back.  Hospice usually comes in the two-three weeks before death.  They are there because the family member is at home and they want them at home when they pass.  Hospice in our sense was fantastic.  Our Hospice nurse made sure my father would not suffer any longer, and would do what they call "the natural process of dying."  Which means to them a bunch of pain pathces, cough patches, because they are unable to swallow.  I think after the signs  (i.e. not being able to swallow, catheter) my dad had like 9 different medicated patches on him.   Hospice told us 2-10 days.  It was 3. 

My mother and I tried for so long to keep from calling Hospice because we saw that as the last hope.  Hospice was great.  Only had them for two weeks, but in our experience they knew what they were doing, and they made the dying process a lot easier.  

Trust your instincts, but trust Hospice...I'm looking for pc research & awareness everywhere! 

Hi.  I am a caretaker for a 44 year old woman, divorced, with a six year old son.  Please, please do not feel guilty about not being there each and every day with your father as your mother is passing away.  Remember, God is in control.  God is the maker/creator of everything.  Nothing happenes in this universe without God's consent.  Only God knows the entire picture... why you are living where you are living... why your mom is passing away at this particular time.... why my mom passed away in 2005 and my dad who was so mean to her is still living and he was sick before she was... HOWEVER, your mom (believe me, because I am 59 with three children and 6 grandchildren) does not want you to uproot her grandson, sell your home, and move back to sit by her bedside.  Please do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty.  Do what you can, when you can.  My mom always told me, and I am now telling my children to take care of my grandchildren, and themselves.  I have lived my life and they cannot take care of their families and me too.  I just want to see my grandchildren taken care of...   God has your father there to care for his wife, your mother.  Your father has other family members there to help him with your mother.... plus he has hospice and they are great!  If you need to, feel free to call the hospice social worker that is on your mom's team and voice your concerns to her.  By the way, if your mom passes away without you being at her side, please understand that God did not want you there.  Your son needs you too.  He and his welfare and all it take to make sure he is ok, is your first concern.  Your mom's welfare, is your dad's first concern.  People are always willing to put their responsibilities in your lap if you allow them too.  Just tell your dad that God has blessed him with a wonderful wife all of these years, now is the time for him to give back to her.

God bless you and keep you in perfect peace.

 Maryvan59

G

Did the after hours hospice nurse actually see your mother?  If so, she probably has a good idea of how close to the end your mother is. 

I was the caregiver for my mother-in-law who also had pancreatic cancer.  I had been begging my husband to call in hospice as soon as the oncologist said that he couldn't do anymore for her.  At the time, the oncologist said she had 2-3 months left.  That was in early May.  By the time my husband got hospice care set up on June 1st, the nurse said my mother in law had just a few days to a week left.   The nurse was right- my mother in law passed on June 5th. 

The regular nurse may be withholding the time thing for a variety of reasons (maybe she doesn't feel that she is very good at determining how much time a patient has left).  Chat with her about the issue and explain your reasoning for needing to know.  A good hospice nurse will understand.  If she can't/won't give your the answers you need to figure out what to do then maybe she can get you in contact with others who can help you (social worker, doctor, etc.). 

 Good luck with everything!