Feeling Guilty

My fiance died on November 11, 2004 after a short but brave battle with Primary Liver Cancer. He was diagnosed on September 9, 2004. He did not qualify for any clinical studies and he did not want chemo. He was told on 9/22 that he had 3 months or less and he lasted about 7 weeks from that point. He was hospitalized twice due to blot clots. Once we changed doctors and his blood was being monitored on a regular basis while increasing and decreasing his blood thinner he seemed to being ok. We had his pain somewhat under control. Each day I could see him getting weaker and weaker. His appetite decreased. On 11/2 the doctor told me that he had a week or less. He lasted 9 days. I keep replaying the last few days of his life and I wonder If I did everything that I could. His brother and sister came and stayed with us during the last week. We did everything we could to keep him compfortable. On his last night, I was exhausted and went to bed. His brother stayed up with him all night. He talked with him even though we got no reponse from Mack. The "death rattle" had begun. The Hospice nurse had given us some pills for the secretion, but that didn't seem to help. He was basically unresponsive. He could no longer go to the restroom even with help. Shortly before I awoke he urinated and was all wet. I waited for my son to say good-bye and go to school. I held Mack's hand and told him that I loved him and he needed to go rest. We began to undress him. This was very difficult because he was dead weight. We had not brought an hospital in yet because Mack did not want one. As we got his clothes off we noticed his face changing and he was gasping for air. We quickly covered him up as he was reaching to cover his private area. Obviously, he did know what was going on. We all watched as he took his last breath. We told him we loved him and it was ok to go. I feel guilty that I was not up with him all night and that I was the one changing him when he died. I was his primary caregiver. I bathed him, dressed him, fed him, gave him his meds. Maybe it was appropriate that he died at that time. As I am writing this I realize that there really was nothing more I could do. I just hope he realizes how much I love him and I am going to miss him.

I would appreciate any words of support that you could offer. I am interested in attending a support group. Thanks for reading.... Donna

My mother had colon cancer. She was in stage 4 when she finally went to the doctor in 2000. She refused any kind of treatment other than chemo.
I was her caregiver.
I found out I was pregnant with my third child in 2001. So I was careing for her and myself at the same time. It was hard.
She did great on the chemo. She got to one point where she would drive herself to the Dr. Then in June of 2001 they said the chemo. wasn't working anymore and there was nothing else they could do. The last time we had her out of the house was on her birthday. July 6,2001. At that time I had asked my sister to come and help me out, but she was only able to for 1 week then had to go back home. I thank God every day that my husband had come off the road as a truck driver to help me out. I saw her go from the mom I knew to someone who I didn't even recognize. Her health went so fast as the cancer went from her colon to her liver to her lungs to her brain. She would walk around like she wasn't even with us. By Aug. I called my sister back and told her she really needed to come and help me again for I was unable to roll her or help her to the toilet. I found that I was carring my baby to low and the cost of her life if I was to lift or strain in any way. By the time my sister had came back Aug.20th she was unable to even get out of bed. Then she began telling us we were killing her, and to get her out of there. The emotions was about the worst. To have her telling us that all the time,but we knew it wasn't her talking. Not really. Then on Aug.28,2001 hospice came in and gave her a bath. She was actually responding. We thought she was doing good. My sister and I left the room to let her rest. Then when we checked 30 min. later she was gasping for breath. We knew that was going to be the end. We just sat there and told her we loved her and that it was okay to go. She passed on. I thanked God for taking her. I know she was suffering and that keeping her here would of only of been worse on her. I know that letting a loved one go is that worst thing I have ever been through in my life. I also know that she is now home where she belongs. She is no longer suffering and that she knows we loved her. I know she is watching down on us and loves to see her new granddaughter grow. I also can tell you that your fiance knows that you loved him and still do. They know we will miss them, but we have to go on. It takes awhile to get over losing them. I still think of my mom to this day and still cry sometimes, but have saw how much I still have her in my heart. Donna I know it is hard and you will think of him everyday but soon it will lessen. You will never forget,but the pain will go away. It sounds to me that you did everything you could for him, and I am sure that being cared for by you was the greatest thing you could have done for him. Being tired is normal. It is very straining. You have nothing to feel bad about. He knew you were there. I will keep you in my prayers to help lesson your pain. I hope this helped you. I wish I would have found this message board when I was going through this with my mom.
Now I am fixing to go through PLC with my father. We just found this out. His first apt. is on the 20th. The drs. here so far say there is nothing they can do for him. So, we are looking for other options for he is more willing to fight than my mom was. We are going to check with Cancer Treatment Center of America. Just wanted to know what the Dr. here has to say first. I am praying so hard. I won't have the help of my sister like I did with my mom, and I will be caring for him on my own. My husband is also back to trucking over the road. I can't lose both my parents in 3 yrs. It is so hard to do this all over again in such a short time. So if anyone can give me any help. Please feel free to do so.

Dear Donna, Your message touched me. My fiancee is battling liver cancer. I am her caretaker. The chemo is now 18 months. She is depressed and has uncontrolled vaginal bleeding. Your last night when you found rest is common in my experience as a pastor for 48 years. There is a calm before the time of departure. Your labor was faithful unto the end and you are worthy of the crown of life for your faithfulness,
Pastor Jim

You know GOD (if this is your beleaf), has away of doing things that we don't understand, He knew that his passing would be increadiably difficult for you, so the time he passed was the time he knew would be easiest for you, this was his last contribution and love to you. To feel guilty is a human feeling. And one I guess we all need to go through. Remember the laughter, smiles, smells and special moments you shared. And accept the way he passed as his way, and the person who was there is the person who needed to be more then you. Maybe you needed to be right were you were too. All things happen for a reason. Be at peace, life is too short to hurt over things we can't change.