Desperately Seeking Guidance With Coping With Mom's Death

Its been 2 years since my Mother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and I've been grieving and dreading the inevitable.

I felt as if she was handed a "death sentence",
from her Oncologist. The doctors and myself tried very hard to save her life but after unsuccessful chemotherapy treatments that didn't work, our hope was diminishing and I felt as if the END was near and Death was waiting with each Dawn of Day.

On January 2, 2005, my mother passed away in her sleep. I am an only child and therefore had to make all the funeral arrangements by myself while on the other hand, felt grieve-stricken.
Now that its over, I can't focus, sleep, or forget this dreadful haunting nightmarish disease, which took my Mother from me and from this Earth.

Is there someone out there who experienced losing a parent and could you please help me cope in advising me on how to move on after this dramatic, tragic, sad experience????

I am so sorry for your loss, and especially it being your mother. There is no loss greater than a mom. My mother is still alive but has Alzheimer's disease and is only alive in body. Her mind has completely gone and she knows none of her kids. I don't consider her my mother any longer as she is only a shell of who my mom used to be. As for your mom's pancreatic cancer, that is one of the worst cancers out there as far as a death sentence is concerned. My dear best friend was diagnosed at age 41 with pancreatic cancer. She was given 6 months to live and died with 3 months. The doctors told us at that time that pancreatic cancer patients usually passed away within a year. Thank God that you had your mother for 2 years. I know thats not a lot of consolation to you, Alina, as I know how painful it must be for you (and especially your being an only child). My heart and prayers go out to you at this very sad time. I have now been fighting cancer for a few years and last December, 2004, I was given months to live. It is one year later and I am still here. I was so fortunate to celebrate X-mas last year and also this year again. I am doing fine as I write this. I have so much to live for - husband, children and dog and don't want to die but I pray every chance that I get and ask more for strength and guidance in this terrible time. Ask God for faith and strength for you to go on and I can assure you that in time, with faith, your mom's presence in this world and in your life will be a lovely memory for you. Keep the faith and I wish you all the best in the world.

Dear Eileen,
First of all, I want to "Thank You", for being the First person to respond to my Message.
I was devestated to read about your terminal illness and I am the one who is sorry and sad to learn about your situation and feeling a little numb. My prayers go out to you and your family. What type of Cancer are you suffering from? From your message I can tell you are a very compassionate person and I wish that God have mercy on you and free you from the pain this may cause you. Thank You for your kind words and I will keep the faith and pray for you and for strength to carry on as my Mom would of wanted.
God Bless You, Your Family and your Doggy.

Hi Alina,
It was so good to hear from you and I am glad that my letter gave you something to be thankful about - your good health and the life that you have right now. I thank you for all your blessings and hope that you will continue to keep in touch and let me know that you are living each day the way that your mom would have wanted. How old are you? Do you have any family at all? My stepdaughter just lost her real mom one year ago. Me, my stepdaughter and her mother were all very close and her mom was in the best of health. Last April she dropped dead of a heart attack and we were all totally numb, as you are, because they were all thinking that I would be the next one to go - never her for sure! But I myself think that God has a plan for every one of us on the face of this earth and we are not to question why things happen. I also just lost my father this past November. He was 92 yrs old and died peacefully in his sleep. Everyone thought I would go before him. That just wasn't the case. I was diagnosed with colon cancer, then it spread to my psoas muscle, next it went to my bones. Right now, it is in sort of a remission, I am guessing, because I am doing fine right now. But with cancer, one just never knows. Alina, take care of yourself, enjoy life and be happy. I know your mom would have wanted this. I have one son; 3 stepchildren and 8 grandchildren; a wonderful husband and a loving dog, and cat. I consider myself very fortunate. Let me know how you are doing and feel free to write at any time. God bless.

My Dad died from complications of a heart attack that he had 10 years ago on Christmas day. He suffered for a month in the hospital before he died. It took years before I was able to think of him without crying. I loved him more than I can put into words. I had a (still have) wonderful husband and my children were 15 and 13 at the time. But I wanted to die. I couldn't take the pain of losing him. Every morning when I woke up, I would curse another day. I eventually went on Prozac for 6 months and it did help a little. I tried therapy but that didn't help because nothing anyone could say, could bring him back and that was the bottom line for me. Anyway, my advise from experience, is that as cliche as it is, time is the only healer. It will take a while but you have to find a way to cope. The other things that helped me is that I believe we well all be together with our loved ones again some day. Also, realize you are not alone. All of us will experience terrible loss in our lives. The joys and sorrows of life are part of the human condition.
A year and one half ago I was diagnosed with Stage IV ovarian cancer. I am now 48 years old. I'm currently battling with my second try of chemo. I know my days are numbered. I have good days and bad days and what keeps me going is my gratitude that it is me who has this cancer, not my husband or children. Because of what I went through with my father I know I could not bear to see my husband or children have cancer.
Good luck to you and I hope that the days pass as quickly as possible until you notice the sun shining again.
Jane

Hi,
My prayers are with you. My mom was diagnosed on Nov 29th with pancreatic cancer after an unsuccessful surgery to remove a tumor in her pancreas. We also were given 6 mos to a year to live. My mom is my best friend, my mentor and means the world to me. Needless to say my whole family is devastated. Although we are fighting tooth and nail for the best possible treatments to extend her time here, there is also the thought of her leaving us looming.
You are never alone and maybe the strength of strangers can give you hope and faith that we are never handed anything in life that we can't find a way to live through. Your mother will always be with you. The amount of grief is in direct proporation to the love you have for her. So don't try to rush into feeling normal again...that will all take its course in time. Cherish your memories and look for your mother in everything that is beautiful and alive! Please read "Surviving the Loss of a Love." It helped my husband when his mother died.

Alina, I am so sorry about your Mom. My mother was diagnosed last May with renal cell carcinoma. We had no idea until it has spread to the brain and she began having symptoms. We had hope in the beginning even though the prognosis was grim. After radiation, she got worse and my brother and I had to watch helplessly as the cancer took over, and she seemed to give up. She died in November,the day after we put her in Hospice care.
It still is a shock to think that a year ago she was still here and all was well. We were very close and there is a real emptiness in my life now and so many sad reminders. I plan to register for some grief counseling sessions in February held by the Hospice. Maybe this could help you too.
Best wishes,
Sharon H

Alina,

I realized it's been a month since your initial post...
I lost my mother 2 years ago to breast cancer. She also went through chemo for 2 years and it was very tough to see her go through the death process. I was very close to her. The first 6 months were the hardest when we lost her. One of the things that's helped me is having a picture of her visible to see her at her best. Also, keeping a journal of letters to her is very theraputic, even though she can't read them, its good to get your feelings and thoughts out on paper. Your local Assembly of God church should have a support group that meets one evening a week. You don't need to be a member there or join their church to attend. It is a free class to anyone who needs help in the loss of a loved one. You can find out about it by calling and asking.
We(me and my kids and dad) visit my mom's grave. It's also a good point of contact, so to speak. God has given me stregth, eventhough it is never easy to get through. There will come a time that you're not crying all the time or have heavy grief. Give it time and talking about her helps also. I've not only had to grieve, but also have had to help my oldest son (now 8) get through the grief. We talk about the things we liked about her. Talking to your mom's friends will also help. Ask them to write down favorite memories of her for you, then put them in a memory/scrap book. There is no quick or easy way to get through grief, just give yourself time and take each day to let your out your emotions. Keeping them in will only keep you from getting through the process. A good book is "Grieving the loss of someone you love". It's a daily reading book with short chapters. My father has recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and on friday we find out the options he has. It's not easy being the child, but it's great to be there for your parent when they are facing death.
God bless you and know that there is a time for everything, and you will make it through this grieving time,
Kristen

I know exactly what you are going through. I am an only child also and I lost my mother on 12-09-2004. She was diagnosed in 2-02. She was 57 years old when she died and lived with this for almost 3 years. She moved close to me this last April and we had 4 months together before we heard the terrible news that the tumor wasn't reponding any more and then in Nov. she went into hospice and live for 3 weeks and it was so fast but yet she deteriorated so badly that you wouldn't have known her by looking at her. I do alot to preserve her spirit. I am entering a walk to help pancreatic research. I have also had her name assigned to a cancer monument. I sometimes catch myself thinking "oh, I need to call mom." Then it hits hard. I want to ask her questions on what to do when it comes to all her paperwork. It is the hardest and most devastating thing and it is even harder when you are an only child. My mother and I were a team and she was all I had. The most important thing is to talk to people who are going through the same thing because it makes you feel like you aren't so alone anymore.

Tomorrow will be 1 month since Mom's passing. It's hard to believe because it seems like it was yesterday. I took 4 weeks off work and just returned today to the office due to the fact I was running out of days off.
I wish I knew more people like us "only child",
or that you lived near me so we can talk about this subject. I am the "only one", in my circle of friends who this happened to. Although, people I know said they understand, I don't think they do because their mothers are alive and well. As you said, "It is the hardest and most devastating thing and it is even harder when you are an "only child".
The most important thing for me now is to talk to people who are going through the same thing; I joined counseling sponsored by Hospice so that I won't feel like I'm so alone.