Desperately Seeking Guidance With Coping With Mom's Death

My mother had 7 siblings and they all said that they would be there for me but after her death I had one aunt actually send me a bill for $150.00 from something my mother owed her from August! By the way this was 4 days after her funeral. Then she found out that I was upset about it and that in turn upset her so the entire family except for 3 aunts turned on me and blamed me for upsetting my aunt and making her sick. One actually called me to inform me not to call anyone because I would upset them. This aunt that sent me a bill has a daughter that just barrowed $1,000.00 from my mother and of course never paid her back. Maybe I should send her a bill! I know this seems unimportant to you because you don't know this family but my point to this is, how things can go so wrong after this devastating experience and the people who say that they are there for you aren't always there. You have to realize that she is. Even though you can't see her, you know she's there. This happened to me 2 days before christmas and no-one bothered to call me on Christmas to see how I was doing. I sat at my mothers grave and cried. That is where I go when things are really going badly. I think a lot of my family is jealous because my mother left me everything and I am having a house built and all that kind of stuff. They all pretend everything is back to normal now but I know who was really my family and I know that it is their problem. I do understand your feeling of aloneness in this world and I equate it like as if you were always walking across a tightrope but there was a net below you and you knew you were safe so it was so easy to walk across it. Now you go to walk across it and it is so frightening because you know that net isn't there anymore to catch you. You just have to be more cautious now. If you don't mind me asking, "how old are you?" I am 33. I have a son who is 6 and 2 step daughters, 12 & 14. My son sat through everything with me, because I practically lived over at my mothers house. I am glad that you went back to work, because it helps to have something to do. I went back also and it gets your mind off things for a while. You'll never forget her but why would you want to. I bought a curio cabinet and filled it with all her special things. That is nice to have. Not to mention the fact that I have all her furniture and car and that is why I need a bigger house because I could never sell it. Take care and keep writing. It helps me as well.

I can't believe it but, my Mom also had 7 siblings, (4 sisters, 2 brothers), she was the youngest. So you can imagine that all of them passed away before her. As far as I know, there is one sister alive,(the second oldest). They were always very dysfunctional and distant with us, and blame us for it.
I understand your situation with your aunts because mine is the same way. Let me tell you my story. I wrote a letter to my aunt telling her about my mother's illness and health condition deteriorating and deadly. I didn't get a response. I decided to call her on the phone so my mom could speak to her. When I called, my aunt answered in a bitter, uncaring tone of voice and said to me, "I don't want to hear any more bad news"; "As far as I'm concerned, You and Your mother Are Already Dead"! then she hung-up.
Well, I couldn't believe such hateful words coming out of my aunt's mouth!
When I mentioned it to my mother, she almost had an asthma attack. After she calmed down, I told my mother that we didn't need her at all and that my mother shouldn't worry about the awful things she said. Even my own mother was repulsed and told me that I was just insulted and should of hung-up on my aunt instead! Well, my aunt didn't even find out about my Mom dying.
But I was still annoyed and upset over the words she said to us. So, I decided to get even (although I'm not that type of person), but sometimes certain people deserve what's coming to them. I also consulted with my co-workers and they agreed with me that my aunt abused us and I should respond to her words. So, guess what? I wrote a short letter to my aunt saying:
"The last time I spoke to you on the phone, I did so at the request of my mother, who wanted to speak to her "only sister", and your response Was, "As far as I'm concerned, You and Your Mother are already Dead"! Well, guess what? You Got Your Wish! WOW! I always thought that my mother and I would be reunited in Heaven after Death and I know I will be with her, but, I also know that YOU WON'T BE THERE!!
I hope the letter reached her by now and that she was affected and made her feel guilty of her "Wish". Unbelievable!! I don't need her now or ever. So, I can understand what happened to you, Jodi. It sounds like your family is the same; selfish, uncompationate like my aunt.
It's sad that between relatives such hatred exists and such lies. I'm so sorry that they made you go through such an unpleasant and hurtful experience. I wouldn't pay her back and forget about her and her daughter. You should treat people as they treat you. And I think that some people use the word "family" as a lame excuse just to get their way. Sometimes, you can get along better with friends than your own family. I'm a little older than you, I'm 41. I'm not married or have any children but I like children. Where do you live? I live in NYC. Its OK to be back at work but, I find it a little hard to focus. Luckily, its a bit slow and the Boss is away. I liked your idea of the "curio". It sounds very pretty and makes me think of a "little shrine" to your Mom.
I myself followed my Mom's wishes of a "cremation". So, I have a "beautiful urn", which I'm getting inscribed and keeping it on my dresser for now. Later on, I'm thinking of having it buried and making arrangement in my Will to have myself buried with her. Nice, Right? I cleaned out her apartment and also have all her furniture here. You can imagine how cluttered it looks. Oh well, you take good care of yourself too and we'll keep writing, (its good therapy!).

I am very sorry for your loss ,I just lost my wife on 01/05/04.Hope things are getting a little easier each day for you.I am missing my wife of 20 years very much also she was 46 died of respitory failure.It was her descision to be taken off the resperator and myself her son and daughter along with our daughters boyfriend were there with her .That has given me some comfort and srenghth being able to be there for her and the fact she is not suffering .Also as with your mother and my wife they would want us to kmiss them remember the good times and there love but go on in life and do as well as we can with what we do they certainly did that in there battles everyday.So keep the faith and do your best for your mon and my wife and I will do the same ,and yes I still cry everyday but I am back to work and taking care of my daily challenges we have to be able to move on and know they would want it no other way .Good Luck

Oh how wierd, I had my mother cremated as well but I have a small urn known as a keepsake urn and it is in my curio. I have her placed in a wall over looking a lake because she loved the water and it is made for 2 urns and that is where I am going also. By the way I was going to take all of her home with me but my "FAMILY" wanted a place to go and be with her in their time of need but I don't think anyone has gone. My grandmother really wants to go but she lives 2 hours away and she is 80 yeaaars old. She is the main reason that I don't speak out. She would be so hurt by the family fighting but believe me, when she has passed then I will speak my mind to these certain people. You will probably experience very real moments when you know she is with you. Let me tell you about this weekend and the most miraculous thing. These last few weeks I have really struggled over this whole family riff. I would be taking a bath and just start bawling or cry myself to sleep. It was a Saturday morning and I went to work at 9:oo a.m. and I work at a Mall in Plano, Texas and for some strange reason I kept feeling as if my aunt Joanie, the one that I am mad at, was going to be showing up there. Now I never see her unless it was because of her visiting my mother. This really strong feeling went on all morning and I went out to the food court for lunch and I always eat there in the food court but something was telling me to go downstairs and eat at this little cafe. I have never been down there to eat. I was going down the escaltor and I spot this woman and I can only see the back of her head and I was in shock becuz I knew it was her. Sure enough it was and I was going to run and hide but that force made me turn around and go up and say hi which I did. I made her think everything was cool, like I said becuz of my grandmother. So we talked for a moment and she said to me that she was so mad. I asked why and she said becuz she didn't feel my mother around her at all. My aunt's husband had died a few years ago and she says she always felt him and still doea at times but she can't feel my mom. They were very close too. Of course she waited till my mother died to express her feelings for me, but anyways. I told her that I know she is here becuz of this feeling I had all morning of running into her. Well sure enough my aunt had been there all day as well becuz of a work function. I was so freaked out by that and then I proceeded back to work and I few hours later it hit me!!!!! Oh my god!!!! My mother had sent me a message thru my aunt. Of course she wasn't around my aunt, she is probably telling me that she is on my side and she knows everything my aunt had said to me and isn't with her becuz she hurt me. She knows I've been so hurt by this and wanted to let me know that she still has my back so don't cry over it anymore. One thing about knowing you are dying, is that you can make deals with people. My mom and I had talked about that if anyone hurts me, she will haunt them and that if she can communicate with me in any form, then she defineatly will. After that experience in the mall, I know it was her way of saying she still is watching out for me. Believe me, when I am able to tell her off I will make sure she knows that is why she can't feel my mother!!! I guess we should be all forgiving but when it comes to something like our mother's it's hard to let people get away with stuff. Sorry I didn't write back sooner. Here is my email so we can talk. It is jodemus@comcast.net

Dear Alina (and all),

I lost my mom on May 17, 2003 after a 5 year struggle with what had started out as colorectal CA but had metastisized to other parts of her body. She passed away in her sleep with me there, holding her hand, my Dad on the other side of her. First I want to say that I know that dealing with cancer is one of the hardest things out there and I feel the strength and support within all of you who have written- thank you for sharing your strength. My problem is that although my 77 yo Dad and my sister and I are all grieving, it has not been together. In fact, my Dad has taken some fairly cruel steps in his attempts to deal (I assume), including his insisting we take out all of Mom's stuff the day after she died from the bedroom, and the balance of her personal belongings that week. He took all her cookware and put it downstairs, threw out God knows what of hers or gave it away without consulting us. Then within 3 months after her passing started going to singles clubs, met some 50 yo bimbo, tried to get her to MOVE in (and told us on my Mom's birthday weekend) in by April 2004, then now found someone else who HAS moved in. I had my second baby mid-March 2004 and while I have been trying to deal with grieving over knowing my Mom will never meet her (except in heaven), my Dad, with NO sensitivity,shows little interest in being a part of my (or my children's)life. He lives less than 5 minutes away. If you ask if my parents marriage of 46 years was good, the answer was yes. Was my relationship with my Dad before mom's death bad? No, but clearly there must have been issues. My husband is great and supportive, but I am really having trouble dealing with this, and think about my mom everyday. I am not that close with my sister, and that makes it tough as well. It has been almost two years since she has passed on, but I can't seem to get over this. The worst was that yesterday my sister told me my Dad threw out the one display we had not had the heart to take down- that of her shadowboxes containing small toys from her childhood, carefully arranged. Apparently, Dad threw it all out, while preparing the upstairs for a paint job (which is where is lady friend has put her stuff)....

I have been not going to his house since this 58 yo woman moved in (too painful), and do not speak to him regularly...but I do touch base- I love my Dad, care if he's okay, but the stuff he is doing is so painful and he is so STUBBORNLY oblivious (and refuses to see) to the pain he is causing us...Sorry if this sounds like a diversion, but I too, am really having trouble dealing...

Your Dad is really reacting very strange and its obvious that he can't accept the truth that your Mom did pass away. You can't expect much emotional support from him since he can't even handle his own emotional state. He probably does miss your Mom, how can he not, but by behaving like he does is hiding the fact that he is feeling angry and scared about losing your mother. Seeing her belogings just reminds him of the fact that she died.

You should seek to be consoled by other means at this time. Your Dad will realize eventually that what he's doing is wrong, that will make him change his attitude and help himself in dealing with reality.

Dear Alina,
Thanks, you are right in everything you say. My head knows that my Dad is grieving and, true to form (if I was going to be brutally honest about it), he is acting out in a way that is strange- but not entirely out of character. It is funny how the core of who we are as people- our beliefs, strengths, and compassion, are never made so obvious until we hit a point of real adversity. I have been reading all of the responses that so many of you have made, and I keep thinking that as people, you all seem so strong and compassionate. Jane S., you are truly a special person to say that you have gratitude that it is not your loved ones, but yourself, who is so ill (and I totally understand what you mean). I am trying to work very hard in reminding myself that I am blessed in so many ways, to have a wonderful husband, amazing children, and a good life in general. It is true, I know my Mom would not want us to feel pain on her account and I want to respect her memory by sending her love and gratitude for having had her as my mom...

Hi,
My mom also passed away from this cancer. It has been 5 years. She went very quickly after my sister had been murdered by her husband. I always felt the xtra stress is what killed her faster. Every day she is on my mind. I spent her last hours with her and this disease was devasting. You have no chance now. Over the holidays my cousin called me to let me know my aunt who is the sister of my mother was terminal with the disease. I share your pain and it is far from over. You always feel so helpless and I shared my feelings with my cousin and for one second I think she knew someone really understood because you never do and to let you know I am sorry for your loss and will always share the pain.
Alice

I just buried my mother two Sundays ago.

We never saw it coming. It’s just me and my brother. My dad died in 1978 at age 52 of heart disease.

Mom has always had stomach problems because of the pain pills she takes for her bad back.

We have both had multiple back operations.

I lived just 5 miles from Mom but being as we have both been disabled many years we became each other best friend.

We would call each other 5 to 10 times a day. We knew when a weather front was coming in before the weatherman.

About 2 weeks prior to my Mom entering the hospital we noticed she was having a lot of stomach pain. I took her too the hospital about Jan 24th Late Sunday early Monday morning. It was the first time I noticed her skin was jaundice. I had practically spent the prior 3 nights with her because I was worried about her but incandescent lights don’t show jaundice that well.

Mom was 73 and diagnosed with Diabetes about 4 months prior. We couldn’t seem to get it under control. This is beyond the point where her HMO doctor should have long ago done a scan on my mother’s abdomen.

By that following Tuesday the GI (PA) comes in and said we can discharge your mother. She has pancreatic cancer and it is the size of a golf ball grown in the center of the pancreas plus there are several spots all over her liver.

I asked how long does my Mom have or is there anything that can be done. He answered your mother has up to ONE WEEK to live. Her primary care physician said she had up to 1 month to live.

Mom only made it 9 days and she passed.

It was like my mother had gotten in a car accident things were moving too fast. We thought she had Alzheimer’s coming on for the last 2 years but in retrospect I think it was the cancer spreading into her brain.

Mom didn’t want to be hooked up to machines so we brought her home via Hospice and had a hospital bed brought into her own bedroom.

It’s a long story how Hospice handled my mom, taking away the nurses on Wed at 8am and none showing up on Thus or Fri then finally on Saturday one shows (after I threaten to sue) and my mom in too much pain. She can no longer swallow so the Methadone liquid painkiller is not getting into her system.

I had already changed her diaper 5 times and I thought I was doing everything ok but Mom had already developed two bedsores that fast.

I ran to get some Desenex and Balmex and the nurse had ordered Tylenol suppositories and morphine drops. When I got back my mother had only 3 breaths left in her and she died in my arms. I feel that the nurse had given Mom a substantial dose and Mom just passed on. I have heard you can’t leave those hospice workers alone but I wanted my Mom to get some relief from the Desenex.

Maybe it was the way God meant it. The nurse said she sent the delivery of morphine back because my mom had started breathing shallow.

The nurse said your mother took a very long time to go. It was if she was holding on for you to return. She said she has been in hospice 7 years and that is the second time she has seen that happen.

I truly hope my mother heard me rush back into the room. At least in heaven she knows I was there for her.

It’s going to kill me. I wasn't an only child but I was in the picture 95% of my mom’s life. My brother only visited when he wanted to borrow money.

My Mom was my best friend, my counsel, my bail bondsman, my tow truck company and she was always there when I needed her.

I just wished I had known how sick she truly was so I could have tried to be on my best behavior for the last couple years. I look back at all the what-ifs. I should have done this I should have done that.

I have a terminal disease. I saw my mother doing a lot of extra exercising on her bike about 6 months ago. I said you’re really going at that exercise aren’t you? She said yes. I got to build myself up so I can take care of you when you get sick (she knew I was at full blown aids) See my mother was still putting me ahead of herself. That is the great mother that she was.

If there is any good of this they say that the hardest thing is for a parent to bury a child. At least now my mother does not have to go through the grief of watching me die.

I got to admit I know I am going to especially miss her when I am at my end but it is better this way. I was always worried what would happen to her without me. My brother wouldn't take care of her. I vowed to never let her enter a nursing home as long as I was able.

I am sad. I can’t believe cancer can enter ones life in less than 30 days and your loved one be gone forever.

My heart goes out to you Coley. There are no words to say to undo all the sadness and hurt that you felt going through your mother's illness and passing; and if that is not enough, now reading that you too are gravely ill. My God, Coley, I'm so sorry, the news is totally shocking; you must still be in shock and disbelieve about all you are going through.
I don't know what to say, but you shouldn't be alone at a time like this. Please try to talk about your feelings to someone, you must be afraid and feeling very depressed. I find that talking and going for "bereavement counseling", helps tremendously. I started going myself because I needed to talk to someone and get insight to ideas and feelings which I can't understand and now I really need this and can't do without it. Hospice sponsores this service, just ask them for information. We are also here for you, write to us whenever you need to. GOD BLESS YOU FOREVER! I know you will be reunited with your mother in Heaven. You are truly a Good Daughter and a Kind Great Person.