Desperately Seeking Guidance With Coping With Mom's Death

Although Coley sounds a bit female it is actually a nickname my dad gave me after a black heavyweight prizefigher back in my dads days. My real name is Coleman but it is more like a last name that most folks call me Coley.

Yes, I guess I need to join a bereavement style group. See, when I hear the word Hospice it gives me a bad taste.

I have heard many positive things about Hospice but a communication defect whereas a main nurse FORGOT to tell VITAS, the larget hospice in south florida that my mother had been removed from continuous care and as far as vitas was concerned they said they thought my Mom was under continuous care.

Actually when no one showed up the following day (last nurse was on a Wed at 8am, she went out the door and said someone will be here later but it won't be a nurse, just an aide to bathe, feed, change diaper and linens.)

In a way I was glad to get rid of Hospice for a while (that is as long as I could keep my mother comfortable with her meds) I felt when anyone from hospice was around that I was unable to express my feelings towards my mother the way I would had I been alone. It is different when you have a total stranger watching your every move.

They stick to the patient like glue for a couple reasons. Some families stand to inherit millions upon ones demise and a few nurses told me stories about how people unhooked oxygen machines etc. to in effect, kill, promote the inevitable, have mercy, call it what you may the Hospice is there to protect the patient for they are unusally unable to defend themselves. It is sad and hard to think there are persons out there that would attempt to so called "pull the plug" as long as a loved one is not in severe pain and is living some type of a peaceful life.

Sometimes I regret calling all my mothers family members because they had more time with her than I did. by the time they had a left Mom had declined to a point where she could only give one and two syllable replies. Like I might say Mom do you want jello or ensure, she would say ensure. In the same token the doorbell rang later that day and my mother hollered just a minute. I was astonished she had that much energy in her. I guess it woke her out of a sleep and she forgot for a millisecond how sick she was.

I don't know why after the relatives started coming in why me and my mother conversations ceased. I don't know if we were afraid to start the other crying for we never let the other know she knew or I knew she was dying except (Even though she had been told by 3 chaplins and 2 or 3 doctors) mom would temporarily forget, then out of the blue say I think there is a cure for this type cancer. It fell on deaf ears cause I was the only one that heard her, everyone else was talking too loud. I didn't have the heart to tell mom that I had called all the clinical trial programs, the most promising as the bexxar thats being done in NY at sloan kettering and there is also a pancreatic cancer trial at Sylvester cancer institute here in Miami, but these people want subjects that are able to walk in on their own. How stupid is that.

The Bexxar I read about (you can google it with key word pancreatic cancer trial) was the best.

It only took like 2 weeks of a couple injections. It is a radiation liquid that goes right into the veins but it targets like a missle and zeros in on "any" tumors and lodges its radioactive radiation molecules only in the cancer and doesn't bother the surounding areas.

I thought to myself If I could just get a bottle of the medicine, break in if I had to. It is amazing how desperate we can get when we know a loved on is running out of time.

I wanted to tell mom there were some tratments but I would have to follow that up with you don't qualify Mom, you're too far gone. How could I say those words to my mother?

I choose to change the topic and try to get her mind in another place. The alzheimers or cancer that might have been affecting her brain (either or both) would cause her to go in and out of comprehension of her grave condition.

Again I don't understand why we didn't talk much the 3 days prior to her passing. Of course when she could no longer swallow I understood why but there were some time frame we could have talked. So many times I wanted to give my mother a big hug but those darned Hospice workers would make me feel weird and I couldn't express myself as I wanted.

Like I said even though they were there I only slept 2 to 3 hours a night and 2 nights I had layed upside down next to mom holding her hand as I lay 1/2 off the bed. I wanted her to know I was there and wasnt leaving. I remember when I had all my spinal sugeries how comforting it was to know that my mother was there whenever I needed her. I never took that for granted.

I did my best or as humanly possible considering my full blown aids and 20 back operations. I remember how much pain I would feel afer changing mom's diaper. I just felt many times like I couldn't go on but God or some spiritual adrenalin kept me going.

Yeah, I need some support, I appreciate your reply. It helps us to know there are others out there going through the pain and torment of loss.

Again I can't stand the word Hospice but that is only my experience. I will eventually call them and see when there next support meeting is.

I remember when I lost my roomate of 6 years. He got hooked on crack cocaine and was stealing autos to support his habit. The police chased him into a wreck at night and he died instantly at age 25. How sad. I remember it took me like forever to learn how to deal with that loss. I can cope with it now, but that was only a 6 year relationship. I've known my Mom going on 50 years. More years than even my father was married to my mom since he died young at age 52.

I keep waiting for the phone to ring and keep coming across topics and movies on tv that I want to call Mom and tell her what time it comes on tonight but then it hits me. She gone. She is truly gone.

My mother was the only person I knew I could truly trust and lean upon. My brother wouldnt give a rats ass if I croaked tommorow.

My mother hasn't even been in the ground a month and my brother that has a good job is calling everyday and in every conversation it boils down to money, when when when your shoulg do this that, blah blah. The bastard hadn't visited her for a year after he got his job he stopped visting my mom twice a week. He only visited her to borrow money, once he had a job he never visited her again. Didn't even see her this last Christmas and I jumped all over his ass telling him me and mom are not always going to be around. You just go on with your friends and have a good time. Little did I know how my words would come so true. His last oportunity to be with his mother on Christmas and he blew it. I could not live with myself had I treated a mother like he treated mine.

I begged him for a good 6 moths to come visit and hang around Mom that something is very wrong and I can't put my finger on it. He never even called. I had to call him and he would shrug it off as she's just taking to many pain pills. It was obvious he didnt give a shit.

Even though we were a small family he always moved just outside our local calling area where we would have to dial 1 to call him. His cell phones and everything required a long distnce call. Yet he works in South beach (Miami) where me and my mom live but chose to stay in fort lauderdale the last 20 years.

His excuse was he hated driving into Hialeah (Hialeah is a suburb of west Miami) He really just hates himself.

He stated on the phone the other night, God how I would pay a million dollars just to be able to drive to Hialeah and visit Mom. I didnt say a word. All I know is I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.

His constant pushing me to get the deeds of an executor done is taking its toll on me. Stress brings your immune system down and I already had a bout of thrush (it's a yeast infection babies can get from bottles) When thrush sets in pnemonia, cancer or anything can follow.

I say to myself, you wouldn't be calling Mom everyday asking for money, just because she has passed why are you calling me everyday?

I actually was gullible enough to believe he was checking up on me everyday because he knew how close I was with Mom but in every conversation the subject MONEY would pop up. After about 25 calls it finally dawned on me his only intentions were money, not how I was or what he could do to help. Never once has this bastard asked me if I needed some help. I had to do all the funeral arrangments and finances myself. He helped me change my mother's diaper one time and the main reason for that is I trapped his ass (cause it is hard to do it by yourself) and he got a little taste of how hard I was having to push myself to take care of Mom.

I am going to the probate office today, against my better judgement. I feel if I gave myself a couple more weeks to think things through I could save the estate 5 to 10 grand. But to heck with it, If it weren't for knowing he would sell my mothers 250,000 house for the first person that had cash, 100,000 wouldn't suprise me I would turn the entire exutor deeds over to him.
Let him deal with the mess.

It's bad enough to loose a person you love but then have it compunded by greed. That is a horse of another color.

Coley

Hello,

I just registered because I wanted to give you my condolences. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you. May God be with you. You must remember that in life we go through hard times and good times and in the end people go to heaven. So remember that this is a passing phase. It will improve; it has done for many people like yourselves. Hardship brings out the best in us and everything has a reason - a good reason.

wa salaam

My Mother was diagnosed on Jan 2,2005 and passed on Feb. 25, 2005. We had brought her home after 5 weeks in the hospital only 3 weeks before her death but myself and boths sons were with her when she passed at home. We thought we had at least 3 more mths so we have been having a hard time. My only sister died at age 49 Feb, 01, My Dad on June 25, 2001 from a 5 year battle with prostate cancer that had went to the bone, my brother with cancer in august, 03 and now my sister-in-law is on Hospice with cancer and only has days to maybe 1 month left. Cancer takes away so much and you are left feeling like you have been thru a war. and you have...I not only was very, very close with my parents but I lost my best friend when Mother died. I am not coping well but continue to pray and I will pray for you to find strength in the days and weeks to come.

I read that you lost your mother to pancreatic cancer a little over a year ago. Hoping you can give me some advice at how to go on with my life. I lost my father to cancer 10 years ago. My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on June 7, 2006. We were given no hope due to the fact it had already spread to the liver and lungs. Doctors told us she had 3 to 6 months. She only lived three and half weeks from the time we brought her home from the hospital. Those three weeks were horrible. She went down hill so fast every day. We had no quality time with my mom from the day we brought her home from the hospital husband and I packed her our personal belongings and moved in with my mother after she came home from the hospital. I was only able to work 4 days from June 7, 2006 till she passed away on July 12, 2006. Today July 26,2006 marks two weeks since her death and her birthday as well. I have grown very close to my mother over the past 10 years, since the death of my father. She was my best friend. I feel like have no one to share anything with any more I am feeling so lost. This all seem to happen so fast. In April my mother and I were walking 2-3 miles two to three times a week together. This cancer came out of no were. We took her to the hospital on June 7, 2006 with lower chest pain. To only find out that she had pancreatic caner.
This is my 3rd day back to work and I am having so much trouble doing my job. I am the oldest of 3 children. I am married and have to girls one 12, one 20. My husband already thinks I need to seek professional help because I am mourning her loss so greatly. He still has both his parents. If you have any advise to help me, I would greatly appreciate it. I can't even express how I feel right now!

I've never written to anyone on a message board before but when I read that your mother passed away about the same time as mine, I felt the need to write.

My mother passed away on July 15,2006. She was diagnosed with uterine cancer in June and died 6 weeks later. It was all so sudden. She lived two miles from me and we did everything together. We loved to shop, hike, and watch "Dancing With the Stars." She was the BEST grandmother to my two kids, age 5 and 2. She had more energy than most people half her age. She was 54.

I get so upset when I think how upset she would be if she knew she had died so young. After she was diagnosed she said that she felt like she had literally run into a brick wall. Her life was going great.

Anyhow, I noticed the similarities in the dates of our mother's death and figured that you and I are probably going through the same things.

I am extremely sorry for your loss. I do know how you feel, and it hurts.

I will pray for you and your family.

Hi... This is my first ime on one of these sites and I am not sure what I have to say is all that helpful, maybe more in the order of dialogue. My mom died of Breast cancer three years ago march. I too am an only child and still, three years later, feel as if my grieving process is so slow. Tonight I broke down about the void I feel in my life and all the unhelpful ways I am trying to fill that void when in fact what I think I really need is to confront my grief in a healthier way. Don't get me wrong most days I seem fine and function without any problems, but when I sit back and take the time to reflect I see how lost I am. I feel paralyzed in the loss of my mother. Maybe part of it is learning to accept that I had no control over her illness or her death, there truly was nothing I could do to change the outcome. If you are interested in talking more please email back and i will gladly respond.

Warmest,

Stacey

Stacy, 

First of all you are not alone, which is comforting, yet knowing others have suffered so much with such a cruel disease as Cancer is also sad.  I am an only child and 3 months ago lost my Mom "Best Friend" to Pancreatic Cancer.  I also am a Psychotherapist and I am familar with and have counseled others with the Grief Process.  However, you never understand until it affects you personally.  Whether it is the Shock of someone being diagnosed when they were Healthy just Days before, the speed and deterioration of this disease and also reality of missing them so much it is life's greatest challenge. 

The uniqueness of an only child adds to the intensity of the loss as many mother child relationships are many times closer with the child than their spouse.  I know in my own life their was a reliance and connection with my own Mom that my wife and friends never understood.  Since my father has been dying from Alzheimers the past 5 years my Mother always seemed like such a rock and had far more energy than all but my 3 year old so the shock is overwhelming.  I have not had much time to grieve with settling my parents estate and becoming the primary caregiver for my father.  Many would see this as challenging, however it gives me a chance to have more time than I had with my mother and gives me a way to honor my mother.  I can only imagine how tough this has been for you as I know how I have felt the past several months and to think of this continuing for several years would be devastating.  I hope you can find the strength to find support from other friends and family, support groups for those that have lost a loved one or  potentially grief counseling.  I don't believe time heals all wounds as they need to be dealt with or by focusing on what has been lost will be all that you feel you have.   

 

Deepest Sympathies, 

Troy 

Hello,
        I am so so sorry for your loss, and am in a similar situaition like you. I lost my mother june27 '08 to ovarian cancer, and am not coping at all. As my mother lay lifeless in the other room, and I was crying and screaming, my aunt came up to me and told me she would be there for me just like my mom was. I thought to myself thank god I will have someone look after me like my mother did, but in the back of my head I still knew that she would gradually astrange herself from me fairly quickly, afterall she could hardly maintain a close relationship with her own daughter. Its been 3 months or so since my mother left me, and my aunts phone calls are becoming more scarce. Although my granmother still keeps in touch, she keep the conversation to a minimum of 5min or so. I know me and grandma are taking my moms passing the hardest, and although she doesnt say anything about it, I know that at times she doesnt want to hear my voice, for the fact is I, look,sound, laugh, & cry just like my mom. So I guess I cant really blame her, but I lost the only true family I had, my mom. I wish you and others didnt have to go through this, my prayers are with you, stay strong. God help us all. -HUGS-