symptoms & end of life

My father was diagnosed 14 months ago with PC.  "They" said that it was early enough to do a whipple.  When they opened him up, the doc found that it had spread slightly to other areas.  So no whipple was done.  He had cyber-knife and chemo etc...  I live 14 hour drive away from him.  My sister lives even further.  What I really need is some advice about a couple of things.  1. How do you know when its the right time to go see him?  I am affraid that if I wait too long it will be to late, but if I go to soon, it will effect my family & Job etc...  2. What should we expect in his last few days? His current condition seems to have gotten worse.  He slept for over 30 hours yesterday into today.  My Dad is a very vain person who does not want to worry people. so he has been telling everyone how great he is doing.  I know this is difficult for people, and I have read a few of the other messages, but I need to know what to expect and some sort of time frame.  I am not asking to predict the future, but there has to be some sort of average time giving his condition. Also, my wife keeps telling to make sure I say everything that I need to to him because you never know when he will be gone.  I think I have, but if anyone can help me by telling of their experiences/regrets, it would be very helpful. This is my first time posting so sorry for the length, and thanks for any help you can give.  God bless.

Hello, I lost my brother in law to pc 2 weeks ago. Waiting for the end was very difficult for me. Someone at this messege board recommended www.craigscause.ca/whatiscancer.html#final which gives a pretty accurate account of what to expect. My brother in law went to the hospital with SEVERE pain (he was on chemo for almost 2 years) and we found out that his stomach was not functioning. He stopped eating and drinking and slept a lot. Atovan (probably spelled wrong) was a great help in keeping him calm, although we would occasionally request that he not have it so he could be somewhat lucid and say things that he needed to tell us. His legs got swollen and he got even thinner than I could have ever imagined. He talked about the other people in the room, who we couldn't see, which is a typical sign of the end. He lasted 9 days, which amazed the doctors and nurses. He was in denial about his disease until the very end and just refused to go! His breathing did not change until his last hours. I know that it is very frusterating not to have a time frame for this. I thought that telling him that we would take care of his wife and that he had fought so hard and he was so tired, would help him to let go.....but I don't know if it made any difference. Does he have hospice? They are usually very good at making the prediction. I found the doctors and nursed at the hospital were not really willing to say much. Sorry for being blunt, but I wanted the "bluntness" in my case! I wish you the best

sometimes people are able to go on longer than expected. but from what i have heard and seen on this message board, as well as from my own experience...the cancer moves very quickly. in some ways this is a blessing. my husband had been ill for about 3 weeks when we discovered the cancer had returned. we walked into the doctors office and she admitted him into the hospital that same day. 4 days later we brought him home by ambulance under the care of hospice and he died by the end of the week. we had been told we might have weeks to months but we only got 2 weeks. since my husband has been gone, even though i know i did the best i could for him and i told him that i loved him every chance i got....it still doesn't seem like enough now. it seems like that is part of the grief process. working through the memories.. good and bad. sometimes it doesn't seem real. then i go to the living room and see all the flowers and the portrait that was at the funeral home and i know it is for real. jim is "safe in the savior's arms" now. but i still miss him. may God bless you during this time and give you wisdom and discernment to do what is best. sincerely jimandkathy

visit www.brainhospice.com for good info on the end (it's pretty much the same no matter what cancer) symptoms, read personal accounts from the loved ones of others, etc

Hello, I just checked on this board after some months, as it is still a comfort, even though my dad passed away rapidly about a year ago.  I don't know where in the stream of things you are right now with your dad.  I hope he is still holding his own. 

You wondered when the time is nearing the end.  There is no exact way of knowing, but when he is no longer eating and things are starting to shut down, it is very, very near.  Don't hesitate to go see him, and do it now, rather than later...you never know how quickly things can go.  I put off seeing my dad thinking we had a least a couple months more, and by the time I was ready to go see him, it was too late. I live about 12 hours away.  I know he didn't want me to see him like he was, but I still wish I had been there to give him one last hug and kiss and tell him how much I loved him, before it was too late.  I know he knew...but still.....

Don't hesitate.......just go.  Everyone told me to go right away, but I think I was in denial a bit..............just go.

Thinking of you and your family,.

Thank you everyone for your messages, they have helped me to understand this terrible situation a little better.  I have been out see my father a few times since I posted my message, and we were able to have some of the best meaningful conversations that we ever had.  All the advice I recieved from everyone is greatly apriciated.  My Dad is getting real bad now.  He does not eat much any more and is so skinny.  He has no muscle left and can't walk any more.  He is Jaudus (sp?) and his legs are cold to the touch.  He does not have much time left, but I will always cherish the time we spent together recently.  Hospice is helping and I am hoping to get a better idea about his time left. 

I never would have thought that an internet site could help me so much.  Thank you everyone again, and I hope everyone lives today as though it may be your last.  Cherish your family and loved ones and take no-one for granted.