Dealing With The Loss Of My Mom

I took care of my mother during the end of her battle with pancreatic cancer. She was perfectly capable of taking care of herself until 11-04. She went into the hospital after the 2nd bad reaction to chemo. She was diagnosed in 2-02. She had the whipple and everything was fine. The tumor showed back up this august and they tried a new chemo but it was just too harsh for her. She went home on hospice 11-13-04. I watched her turn into a child from a very strong and independant woman. I watched the most amazing spititual experiences. I was completely calmed about death. The last 4 days is the only time when we couldn't communicate. Even though I am not sure just how lucid our conversations played out in her mind. She couldn't eat the last 2 weeks and she lost so much weight. The hardest part was watching her body deteriorate. It was a total of 3 weeks and it seemed to drag on forever during that time but looking back, it was so quick. I wanted to to go because I couldn't bare to watch her suffer. She was so ready to go also. She was so funny at times because she kept asking what to do next so she could die. I told her that I don't think God is going to allow someone up there who is more controlling than him up there. She only wanted certain people around but of course everyone was there. The strange thing was, was that the only people she wanted around were there when she passed. I think she saw that and decided that she better go now. I guess she never gave up control after all. I have had very strange experiences since she has passed and I am convinced that it is her making things happen. We discussed certain things before she died and I truely believe that they are still around after they are gone. Has anyone else out there felt their loved one around?

Jodi B.

In response to your question about feeling the presence of a loved after they've passed on...
ABSOLUTELY! I dreamed of both my grandmother and my father shortly after their deaths. My grandmother had been living with my parents before her death and I spent the night at my parents house following her funeral. I felt a little odd about sleeping her bed and dreamed that she came to the window to tell me it was okay and that she wanted me to have the bed. I told my mother the next morning and she thought it was odd since I'd never expressed in interest in the bed, and it wasn't a valuable antique or anything. When we disassembled the bed to move it we found a manilla envelope filled with poem my grandmother had written. She'd apparently never shared them with anyone, but she somehow knew we shared a secret as I'd never shown anyone a box of poems that I'd written. I kept the bed and the poems and they both continue to bring me great joy. I often sit on the bed and write and even talk to my grandmother aloud when I'm having a bad day.
My father passed away unexpectedly while I was undergoing chemo for breast cancer. A few days later I dreamed of my dad walking though a beautiful garden. He didn't speak, but waved as if to reassure me he was safe and happy and continued along the path. My cancer was advanced and my pronosis was not good. Recovery was a struggle filled with metastastises, a local recurance and countless side-effects, but I always believed I was going to make it through because I'm convinced my dad made a deal with God to take my place so I could stay and raise my children and grow old with my husband.
I feel these people and others watching over me every day. Some days it makes me smile, other times it makes me cry, but it always makes me feel lucky to have had them in my life. I hope you feel peace and comfort from your mother's presence.
Hugs,
Deb Y.

I lost my fiance in November to primary liver cancer. He was 48 years old. He was diagnosed in September and in less than two months, he was gone. He appeared to be a healthy person. Getting up early every day to go to work. He loved life, his job. He never complained. It was difficult to watch him deteriate. At the end, his family (brother and sister) stayed with us for support. His friends came to visit regularly. He reached a point that he did not want his friends there anymore. He new the end was near. I had a dream about a month after he died and in the dream he told me that he made it to heaven. That was comforting to me. I took that dream as his way of telling me that he was ok. I am still having a difficult time dealing with his loss. I miss him so much. I talk to him on a regular basis. His pictures are all over the house. I dream about "Mack" often and I find comfort in those moments. I always ask him to please come see me and let me know that he is ok. God Bless Our Loved Ones.

I absolutely agree with Jodi B. My mother had a series of mini-strokes while I was overseas in US while my husband was getting treatment for naso-pharyngeal cancer. This was in 2003. My mother held on for about three months until I arrived so that I could see her. I spent two days with her - my brother was looking after her although she had lived with me for two years prior to that. Conversation was very difficult for her, but she knew I was there. After I left she refused to eat or drink anymore; it was almost as if her mission of waiting for me had been completed. In fact she went into a coma; three days afterwards I took a priest to visit her and the following day she died... that was in August 2003. Yet I can still hear her telling me that she is fine she is at rest. I had a similiar experience when my father died of stomach cancer twenty years ago. He literally spoke to me, after death, when I attended the funeral of a very close friend of his. Somehow I feel their presence constantly, particularly during these trying times while my husband is currently undergoing chemo treatment for the third time. I would say that they both give me the strength and the fortitude to deal with these crises, in addition to my faith in the Lord. Do you think this is so, or am I crazy?

I truely believe that our loved ones, especially our parents, are always watching out for us. They know when we need to hear from them. I have children and if I were to go tomorrow, I would still be their parent. You never stop watching over your kids. I can't tell you how perfectly timed my mother has been in giving me messages when I really am in need of them. Of course, in life she was very organized and puntual. I guess we still keep our personalities in some way. My mother was a very logical and success driven person, but before she died, she became very childlike and she would tell me about the people "spirits" that were there to take her to heaven. She really wanted to go but she didn't want to go with them becuz she didn't know them. I think she was wanting the family members that had passed before her to come for her. They say that we are all family in heaven and I had to explain to her that they could be there for her becuz she may have touched them in life and not even realized it and now they are her to help her in return. There were always the same spirits there and she saw a staircase in front of her and there were people constantly going up the stairs. Then at one point she said she saw a door and it was ratteling like someone was trying to open it. The last day she was with us, I told her that she had to go becuz it was too hard for her to hold on anymore and it was too hard for me as well. She wasn't responsive at that point but I know she heard me becuz she died that day. I told her that this is one of those things that scares you really bad but you have to be brave and trust the spirits and go. She always took my advice and she did up until the end as well. I love her so much and always will. I sometimes feel a fullness in my chest and that is when she is here with me. It makes me cry everytime though. When it gets real bad, I go to the cemetary and it makes it all better for the next few days.

Dear All,

I find it very helpful to read about your feelings and stories. I am the youngest of four children. Our father died unexpectedly 17 years ago. I was very young I did not realise what had happened until a few years ago.

My mom was diagnosed with liver cancer on december 2003. She was also diagnosed with hepatitis C, which she most likely got from a blood transfussion she received when I was born.

I lived with her and accompanied in the fight against cancer for 1 year and 3 months. She died as a result of a very risky operation offered to us after all other forms of treatment had failed.

She is the strongest woman I have met. I spent her last six months working at home, and got the chance to improve my relation eith her trmendously. I saw her grow into a very disciplined and determined person, organizing every detail in her life to live longer and defeat the sisease. She has set a wonderful example for me and my family.

She died two weeks ago, and for the first time since then, I have the chance to spend some time alone at home, facing the fact that I will never see her again. I take care of a small garden we planted together last year, try to keep up with my routine... I think of her very rfequently, and realize she would kill me if I gave up. but I feel it will take me a long time to overcome this loss.

Thank you all for being around and sharing your thoughts.

I know how you are feeling. I sometimes think it is harder to live your life now bwcause I truely believe that everything we do is viewed by them. I catch myself thinking, "What would my mother think about this." It will hit you at really strange times but the most important advice I could give you, is cry when you need to cry. It doesn't matter who is around or where you are because if you keep it in, then the only thing you are doing is keeping in your feelings and I believe that they deserve the right to see and feel our tears. They were our role models, our mentors, and the most respected women in our lives. Everytime I cry a tear, I cry for every daughter or son who have lost their mother. My mother was my entire support system and she still is. I still ask her advice and let her know when I need her. Believe it or not, she still answers me in the most unbelieveable ways. For anyone out there who is taking care of an ailing parent, say what you need to say. Tell them that you love them everytime your eyes meet and look at every detail of there face. Remember that little line in their forehead or that freckle on their cheek. Feel the texture of their skin. Close your eyes and listen to their voice. Record what you can and listen to what they say.

Dear Jodi,

That is exactly the way I feel. My mom and I used to say that while got my job done, she would work on healing herself. I think of that all the time, since I have trouble focusing and getting things done.

The last time I saw her body, the only thing I told her was that I would not be angry at her for leaving like that, if she promised to give me a aign if I was doing something stupid. I have felt her support in many ways and I know she is with me.

As for crying... well, I cry a lot, under the weirdest circumstances. Small, quotidian things are hard to overcome.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I cannot describe how encouraging your message sounds.

I read all the beautiful messages on this board and I bawled. So many of the stories are eerily similar to my own. I lost my Mom on March 10th and I still find myself trying to come up with ways to save her even though I know she is already gone. Crazy?

My mom had cancer for 11 years at level S5 breast. She had a bone marrow transplant and went through every type of chemo available throughout that time. In November, a month after my wedding, we found out that the cancer had progressed to her lungs and there was little to be done. I knew for those last months that I was about to lose her and I thought that somehow that would make it easier. But it doesn't. I ache for her so badly that sometimes it is difficult to breathe.

I would give anything to hold her one more time. I have yet to experience any "visitations" from her other than, the night she died. I wrote her obituary upon returning home from the hospital and when I was falling asleep on my couch I felt someone rubbing my back (she would do that when I was a child to help me relax). I guess I am desperate to dream of her or talk with her.

My mom was 54 years old and one of the most loved people I ever knew. I can barely remember a time when we weren't worried about her death (at least for the passed eleven years). However, I am not sure, now that the death has occurred, how to accept the permanancy of it? Does anyone experience their mind playing tricks on them, like "my mom is on vacation"? How do you deal with never getting a hug from your mommy again?

I get a really heavy feeling in my chest and my stomach gets butterflies in it. I know at that moment she is here with me. I sleep with her nightgown she had on when she died. I figured her spirit passed through it and even after several accidental washing by my husband or kids, I can still smell her. It also helps because I spray a light mist of her perfume she always wore. I snuggle up with her pj's and I hug her that way. I cannot answer how we get over the fact that she won't be back but I can relate to that first month of seeming to be doing pretty good and accepting things and then all of a sudden when everything calms down or when something happens and you need her help it really hits hard. My mother is on a website called mem.com and her name is Connie White. I have a shrine of her in a curio cabinet by my bed and I have a small keepsake urn with a part of her in it and I tell her goodnight everynight and when I feel really lonely I just bawl my head off. Days of crying get less but does the hole in your heart ever get smaller, no. You just learn to fill it with memories and when the loneliness comes, you just realize it isn't necessarily a negative. If we didn't have that feeling, then it would be becuz we didn't have that love in the first place. She is there watching you everyday. When you REALLY need her, you will feel her. Of course we think we need them everyday but they know when they are needed. We have to learn to go on in our lives and smile when we think of there little sayings or ways they smiled at us. We will all be missed one day and we hope our loved ones will be okay when we are gone. They want us to be okay too. We will be. We have a wonderful support group here when we need it. I will probably be here for years to come. Helping others and talking about our beautiful relatives and friends that lost their fight with cancer, helps us deal with our own pain and sorrow. Please keep in touch and remember you have a friend here.