Dealing With The Loss of my Mom

I am encouraged to hear that you feel like you have communicated with your mom. My mother passed away on January 15, 2005 from brain cancer. It destroyed her in 3 short weeks. She had some symptoms, was diagnosed and was dead -- all in 3 weeks. The suddeness and brutality of the disease was unbelievable. I have horrible memories....my poor mother did not deserve to die that way. Your mother sounded at peace -- mine was not. She knew she was dying and she was miserable, although she told me she was not afraid to die, only to suffer. I miss her very much and wish that I would dream of her or feel something of her presence. I do not and that bothers me. If we really live in eternity, why can't I tell that she is still there? Maybe I am blocking it because her death is so painful. But maybe there is hope since many people here have experienced otherwise. I will keep waiting...

I can not help but cry when I read everyone's messages. There are so many similarities to my life, yet none of us have ever met.

My mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma on April 30, 2004. She had a stem cell transplant in the fall of '04 and everything got worse instead of better. About four weeks ago she couldn't move her arms. They found several tumors growing rapidly in her already diseased body. They started her on radiation and then aggressive chemo. Her body was so weak that she was constantly needing blood transfusions. Then about two weeks ago she found out that she had contracted a fungal infection in her lungs similar to pnuemonia. She passed away a week ago. I never saw it coming. None of us did, we all thought that she was going to beat this dreadful disease. She was so young, only 55. She still had 30 or 40 years of memories to make with my daughters. She had weddings to go to this year, and vacations to go on. I know that she is pissed off that she died. She didn't want to die and expressed that frequently.

My mom has done a couple of things for me already that I've seen or felt. Small things that maybe wouldn't make a difference but I'd like to believe that she has a part in them. I even catch myself looking for her a lot. At her wake last Thursday someone had laughed and in that laugh I heard my mom say my name. I turned to look but then quickly realized she wasn't there. BUT, she was there and I know I heard her. Last night I had a dream about her and in that dream she was alive but she didn't look the same. She had all of her hair back but her legs were crippled and she was using a walker. The dream scared me so bad that I woke up and when I went back to sleep I couldn't find her again. I was kind of mad at myself for letting her go. It hurts so bad to be here without her. I've never had anyone close to me die, so I'm feeling this loss basically for the first time in my whole life. It sucks!

Yes, it is very sad. I too have never lost someone that is really close to me and my mother was my best friend. It has been 3 months and I still think about her everyday --My three children miss her as well and that makes me even sadder -- it is very hard to console someone when you yourself are sad -- and what do you tell a child when they ask why God gave Grammy brain cancer and why did she have to die? I don't have answers for these questions, let alone trying to explain it to a child -- All I can say is that I feel for everyone here and can relate to your pain -- I've been told by older relatives that the pain will diminish, but that it will never go away completely. I think that the key to dealing with grief is to try to stay busy - I have my family to deal with and have recently taken a part-time job as a reporter for my local paper. If I am busy, I might get a few hours a day when I don't think about my mother. It also helps to come here and talk -- don't let those feelings stay bottled up inside....

M

I know it has only been a week for me but I really don't see any end to this pain anytime soon. I've been crying for almost a year now. We found out mom had cancer on April 30, 2004. And it hurt so bad to watch her go through everything. To watch her take 30 pills a day just to survive, to watch her body waste away, to see her in the hospital when she was her sickest... and then to watch her die. She never really got to the point where she couldn't do anything. Even in her last two weeks when she had pnuemonia and was going through chemo and blood transfusions she still got out and about. I just found out that two weeks ago her doctors told her that it was going to be tough to put her cancer into remission and she told my brother but didn't tell my dad, sister or me. I'm not saying that that makes it any easier but in some small ways it kind of helps me understand why she died so unexpectedly. Right now I feel like I'm a bad mother and wife. My family is my greatest support but I feel that I can't give them support in return becuz I'm a mess. My one year old has no concept of what's going on, but my six year old does and she cries when I cry. My husband is trying so hard but I know that he hurts too. I work with my family and to see my dad hurt brings tears to my eyes. He told me this morning that it's like this is all a dream. Your mind is so numb. My sister wants us to think of all the good times but to be honest it doesn't help. I can laugh about things that I know my mom would've laughed at but then I cry when I'm done laughing. I'm just sick of hurting. My family is so close, we do so much together. Even if I didn't see my mom every day, I talked to her on the phone. Now when the phone rings I keep expecting it to be her. I find myself looking for her constantly. Like I'm going to see her spirit or connect with her. I came to this website looking for others in the same situation and that's about the only thing that helps right now. Thank you for sharing.

I am so sorry to read your message and just wanted you to know that I feel exactly the same way. My mother has been gone 3 months and I cry every day --I know exactly how you feel. I have three children who miss her dearly -- we were very close as well -- my mother lived only 10 minutes away and was involved in every aspect of my life and my childrens' lives. It is very hard to be supportive to your kids when you are hurting so badly -- I know. I can only say that I feel for you and know what you are going through -- My dad lives alone now and he is handicapped and has a lot of health issues and I need to visit him on a regular basis. My heart breaks each time I have to enter that house with all of my mother's things and she is not there. My kids won't even go in and I don't blame them...try to take comfort in your family -- at least you are not alone -- my brother is 43 and single and recently relocated to DC -- he is especially sad because he is lonely, in a new city and feels as if he no longer has anyone who cares what happens to him...I know this isn't really advice, but it does help to commiserate...and know that there are others who know your pain -- the majority of the world just goes on and sometimes it just feels very cruel...

M

You are so right about the rest of the world seeming so cruel. I get mad when I hear ads or see something about mother's day. I know that other people have mothers and would like to celebrate that day and I myself am a mother but right now it's not something I want to celebrate. I find myself daydreaming A LOT! My brother just confessed to me that he does the same becuz he feels so hollow inside and that his brain just goes numb. I seriously thought my mom was going to beat this disease. I sometimes wished she would've tried harder though becuz a lot of times I saw her quit and not try at all. It was almost as if I was the parent and she was the child the day she found out she had cancer. As if by instinct, I took over the role as a parner to her. My dad, sister and I all took turns caring for her. but my dad did the most becuz he lived with her. Now he's lost and once again, my maternal instincts are taking over and I'm taking care of dad. He seems so fragile and sometimes I can hear the tears in his voice. The most ignorant comment that I hear people make is "It was her time to go". I don't believe that. She knew she had my sister's wedding next month and my brother's wedding in 5 months. And she wouldn't have missed those for the world. There were so many other things that she was looking forward to doing this year. I just don't believe that it was her time to go. Mom wasn't ready to go. If she knew two weeks ago that her cancer was rapidly destroying her body why didn't she do more to prepare us? I just can not believe she is gone. I'm sure you feel the same way about your mom. I take it from your posts that you were as close to your mom as I was to mine. I don't go to church and I'm not a religious person but I do believe in a higher power. It's a miracle that our hearts beat to keep us alive and that we eat when were hungry and drink to take care of thirst.... something created us and something takes care of us when were gone from earth. I have to believe that my mom is with me.

My mother was not ready to go at first either, but when she knew that there was no hope she cried and cried for God to let her die. It was awful. Initially she was jealous that everyone around her was healthy and walking around, but then she felt so bad she didn't want to live like that. If she had thought there was a cure, she would have fought, but she knew there was no hope. I never thought my mother would beat this disease - I spent hours on the web researching it and I knew it was bad. I know there are some short term survivors out there, but there is no cure for what my mother had -- she had brain cancer - the worst, most aggressive type possible and there is no cure. I remember telling her that she was brave and she told me she wasn't - she was only facing the facts - but facing the facts is brave.....tonight while I was reading in bed I heard crying in the other room -- my 11 year old daughter was crying in bed for her Grammy -- that makes me even sadder -- what do you tell a child to make them feel better? When I try to tell her Grammy is in heaven, she only replies, "But I know she would be happier here with us..."

I am so sorry that I haven't been there these last few days. I am amazed at how our stories are so similar. My son is very sad too and all I ever say is, "I feel that way too." I was driving by her old apt. earlier today and he recognized it and started to sing a song he made up about her and it is the saddest thing ever. I asks her why she had to go and then says I am so sorry you had a owee called cancer. I sit there and listen to him quietly hoping he will express everything he feels in this song and it sucks so badley to realize that he will never grow up to really know her. He is only 6 years old and she loved him so much and also was his only true granparent. My husbands mom does't really have any contact with him and my dad is close to him but lives 1800 miles away. He was my mother's only grandchild and he was her shining star. That is the hardest part. I make sure we talk about her everyday. I want him to at least know her through my stories. I had a really bad day at work today and she was a very successful business woman and her input would be so benefical. Of course who knows, she might come to me in my sleep and give me advice. She always comes to me in some wayand when I need her most. I try not to expect it though. I never want to take her presence for granted. I pray she will always be there for me. She wanted me to go after this position before she died and they had been asking me to accept this position for a month and I kept turning it down because I didn't feel like I could do it but then one day they asked me again and to my surprise I said ok. It was like she answered for me. Then when I went to the interview we sat down behind closed doors and all of a sudden the door flew open by itself and my supervisors were freaked out and saying,"OH MY A GHOST JUST CAME IN!" I knew exactly who it was. She wasn't gonna let me blow that interview. I got the position to say the least but it would be nice to have her alive to enjoy my success and brag to all her friends and family like mother's do. They are the best braggers and they have every right to. They can make you feel like such a special person. It sucks to loose your biggest fan. I know she's up there with a huge smile on her face. I have a picture of her next to my bed and she has the best smile on her face. I look at that picture to get my smiles. I imagine that is what she would look like if she was still alive. I try not to remember the way she looked before she died. It was too traumatizing. I hate that image. Well I better get going before I put everyone to sleep with my continuous rambeling. I hope you find comfort in my story or my words. My heart is with you all out there, going thru this and I know your pain and I know how much it hurts. I wish I could find a way to make it go away. I always say, "If you don't have that pain, then you never had that love in the first place." I am glad I had that love even if it had to end.

Jodi

Believe it or not but I believe that coming here is helping in my healing process. I am so appreciative of everyone's kindness and compassion and it helps to talk to others who have been through the same thing that I'm going through.

I had such a bad day yesterday. I cried A LOT! I called my dad last night and I was trying to be so brave. But then he told me that a committee that my mom belonged to sent him $100 and I started bawling. I couldn't even talk to my dad, I had to hang up the phone. And today was a different story. I didn't actually cry today, I just teared up a lot. On a couple of occassions I could talk about mom without my eyes watering so I figured I was doing good. But then we went to my mother in laws house tonight and alls I could think about was 'how unfair is this to my mom?' I felt so guilty being there knowing that I won't be able to share moments like that with my mom ever again.

My mom meant a lot to me and my family but my mom could be an extremely difficult person. We knew for years that my mother had some mental issues that were never clinically diagnosed or taken care of for that matter. And sometimes mom made it very stressful to be around her. But I still loved her cuz she was my mom. She could be your best friend one minute and be your worst enemy the next and that's what made her mom. I took care of her and stroked her hair and put lotion on her radiation burns. I helped put her makeup on. I also teased her and helped her make light of her baggy pants and saggy skin. ANd I held her so tight when she was dying. I kept kissing her hands and crying and telling her that I was gonna be okay. but I lied becuz I wanted her to think that it was okay for her to die. I play that day over and over in my head.

I know the pain that you both have been having. I wish that I could've met you all under different, happier circumstances. But thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here at this moment in my life.

I also just lost my Momma. She was diagnosed with lung cancer (adenocarcinoma) in Sept. of 2002. 2/3 of her lung was removed, she did the whole chemo and radiation thing and everything looked great. She gave me away at my wedding in April of 2003 - little bald head and all! I LOVE THE PICTURES! She was checked (scanned, etc.) routinely.

I was with my husband and his family in Boston for Christmas (2004). Momma started feeling really bad the day after Christmas. Of course, being the way she was, every time I talked to her on the phone, she was "Just fine!" We came back home to North Carolina a couple days after New Year's - to find that she had so much pain in her legs she couldn't walk. She had been losing weight, we knew, but didn't know the extent. She was 5'10" and when we admitted her to the hospital in early January, she weighed 78 pounds. She was released after 10 days, and we brought her home. She wasn't doing any better, and by this time the walker was put away, and we got a wheelchair, oxygen, the works. We took her for another scan on January 24, 2005, and were told on the 28th that it was in both lungs, behind her heart, all in her abdomen, and also had spread to her brain. At that point, there was nothing to be done.

Thank God I just live across the street. I just moved back in with the folks to look after her. On Valentine's Day morning, she was sleeping with her head tilted to the side and blood just started flowing from her mouth. We called the ambulance, she was admitted again. We were told that the bleeding was not unusual, in her case. She came home (with Hospice) that Friday, the 18th, and Sunday morning a little after 9:00 a.m., with me and my Dad there, she just slipped away. She was not afraid to die - said she KNEW where she was going, she was just worried about us.

That Saturday, she wanted to see her grandbabies. Oh, how she perked up when she woke up and they were there! Her eyes just sparkled. She talked to them, and loved on them. The littlest, the only girl, was sitting on Momma's potty chair just squealing "Mammaw!", and jumping up and down. It was wonderful. A couple of hours after they left, we were having to try to give her sips with a straw, the way you do with babies. She didn't take very much, just a little bit for me and a little for my brother. That night, she woke up pretty well. I was scared she was in pain - she hadn't taken anything for it since early morning, and she took her medicine, even did a breathing treatment for me. After that, she never really woke up again (with clarity). About 10 minutes before she died, I noticed her hair was in her face, and brushed it back with my hand. She just snuggled her head into my hand. I will never forget that. And then she was gone. She was the rock of our family. If she had made it until May, her and my Daddy would have been married 45 years. She was 66. We are all so lost without her. Not a day goes by that I don't cry.

I've been helping Daddy with all the paperwork and everything. We finally got everyone the information they need and what's not already done is being processed.

Two days ago, Daddy came home from the V.A. Hospital, and YES - LIGHTNING DOES STRIKE TWICE.
He has a huge mass of what the doctors say can only be cancer behind his left kidney. So...here we go again. My sanity is already walking that thin line - antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicines. I just don't know how strong I can be. Momma knew that my brother and my Dad couldn't handle talking about the "details" that have to be talked about, so I would sit with her with a notebook and write everything down.

We had moved an easy chair with a lamp/table at the foot of her bed. We would sit and talk to her, or just watch her sleep. When she'd take her pain medicine, or if she was just sleepy, she'd ask me to just sit there so she could look at me until she fell asleep.

It's just remarkable to me, after reading all your stories, how similar things are.

My grief is almost overwhelming, and now I'm worried to death about my Dad.

Thanks for listening,
Lori