Dealing With The Loss of my Mom

I am so sorry to hear of your story. I was standing in the card aisle at the grocery store looking for mother's day cards for my grandmothers and I saw all those cards that say mother and I wish I could give her one more card. The one that made me start to cry was the cards to "daughter from your mother" I realized that I would never get one from her either. She passed on 12-09-04 and this past Christmas really sucked. I was Christmas shopping and hiding all my kids presents in her closet and I wonder if she was hurting emotionally watching me bring in those presents knowing she couldn't be there for her grandson that Christmas. I didn't care one bit about Christmas this year but unfortunately you have to keep up the whole Santa thing when you have a 6 year old and the 12 and 14 yr. old just care about presents and no matter what trauma happens, they are so self absorbed by that age. I am actually surprised that I got through that whole day without completely breaking down. Two of my mother's sisters really turned on me after my mother died and I still haven't talked to one to this day. They had some very selfish things to say to me like, "They are the ones suffering because they lost their sister." As if, I am doing just great! I am an only child who just lost my only support system and my entire world. Me and my mother were a team and we took care of each other. I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I am married and have 4 kids but my husband is very loyal and he loves me but he isn't the most emotional person in the world so it is hard to really look for comfort in him. He is more like my 4th kid. So there are days when I feel like I am on a deserted island. My dad came to my mom's funeral but he lives in California and I live in Texas. He was so sad and he cried at the funeral. They had been divorced since I was a baby but remained best friends. I think she still loved him until the very end. She would never admit that because she was a very strong woman. She was very successful in the business world and she was the rock of her family. All her siblings went to her when they need her advice. If you go on mem.com and type in the last name White then look for Connie White there is a slide show or you can play the movie and it has a biography of her. It is a great place to memorialize someone. There is also an organization that is building a cancer monument for people who have fought cancer, whether living or not. The site is called TheCancerMonument.org and you can pay $135.00 and they will inscribe your mother's name in the wall. It is like the Vietnam Monument. It will be built in Allen Texas. The crazy thing is, we are building a house and it will be right across the street in this beautiful park. Of all the places to build it in this country and it is right next door to me. I believe so much more in fate after everything I have been through and seen this past 5 months. Things happen for a reason and we might not like it but there is a greater purpose. I ask God ," why he had to take my mom?" I don't want anything in return for that. I don't want anything but my mom but when I look back at certain things and realize that if one thing would've been different in my past, all the good that came later would've never happened. I feel pain everyday but then again, I am serving a purpose here to share my story and help others. I have been filled with so much more compassion since she died. I have a completely different outlook on life and take nothing for granted. I learned a lot and was relieved of my worst fear, dying. I don't fear that anymore becuz I will get to be with her again.

If you don't have this pain, then you never had that great love. I am glad to have had that love even if it was too short.

Doesn't it hurt so bad? Seriously, I compared this to giving birth. Yes, giving birth hurt physically but losing my mom hurts mentally. I'm absolutely drained. My youngest daughter has double ear infection, pink eye and a cold. So I'm putting up with a cranky child, my sister gets married next weekend so I'm helping her to finish everything, I am swamped at work and alls I can think about is the fact that my mom is gone. I kind of realized something today; my mom left us becuz her body was too weak to fight anymore. I don't blame her one bit but the reasons why she chose to leave must've been really unselfish becuz the reasons for her being her were really important. And she knew how important she was to us. She always figured that she was being a burden on all of us. That she was "bothering" us. We reminded her everyday that we were a family and that families stick together no matter what. It's so weird now that I drive past the clinic and the hospital and that I don't have to stop there. I had gotten so used to being there this past year that it all seemed so routine. A friend of mine had surgery today and his wife asked me to stop by and I told her that I honestly couldn't do it. I feel that I don't have the strength to go in there again. Too many bad memories.

I wrote to the other person in the next message about how I had to go get mother's day cards for my grandmothers and I almost lost it in the grocery store when I saw the cards "from a mother to a daughter" I realized that I would never get a card from her again. I wish I could give her one more card. I sleep with her pajamas that she had on when she died becuz I figured her spirit passed through them and my husband and kids have accidentally washed them like 5 times mow and I can still smell her. I also gave her a throw blanket that had a poem wrtten in it and my name embroidered on it for mother's day one year and she kept it over her the whole time. I have that on my bed and next to my bed is a curio cabinet with a keepsake urn with a small part of her ashes in it and all of her favorite things in the cabinet as well and a huge picture and it is of her smiling her famous smile. I remember holding her hands while sitting next to her bed and studing every little detail of her face and her skin texture. Which by the way, she had the softest skin and always did. It was the skin that the rest of us pay a lot of money in skin care products to obtain. Unfortunately I got my dads skin, oily! If you go to mem.com and type in the last name White and the find Connie White then you can see her. I have compiled a movie and a slide show of her life. It is nice to have that site to go to but then again I always end up bawling. She was such an awsome mom. She raised me as a single mother and at the same time she was so successful in her industry. I just got promted at work and I took it for her. She would've definatly wanted me to. I am a very independant woman like she was but she was so smart and driven. I always thought that I would never be able to achieve what she did and even though I might not, I have this new drive since she died and I have achieved so much these last few months and it makes me wonder if it is her or me doping it. I never had been this brave to accept this kind of responsibility at work and I just went for it. I told her the day that she died that it was time for her to go becuz she had held on way too long that it was cruel to her and to me. I told her to remember how she took huge risks in her life and went after what she wanted even when she was scared to death to do it. I told her that this is just another one of those huge steps. The biggest leap of faith she would ever have to make. I told her that she always took that step no metter what and she can do this one too. She wasn't responding by that point but I know she heard me because she died that night at 5:41 p.m. I had the other craziest thing happen to me for 2 years. I was born on 10-18 and for 2 years everytime I happed to look at a digital clock it would always just happen to be 10:18. It bfreaked me out and I told everyone that something bad was gonna happen to be on my birthday but everyone of course thought I was crazy. Then that year my birthday rolled around and my husband admitted to having an affair and he just thought it would be a wise thing to tell me on my birthday. Then this past year it was happening again and I am like, "oh great what next!?" Well my birthday passed with no incidents, thank God. Then my mother died on 12-09-2004 that year and I was sitting in the bathtub on Christmas night after seeing the clock say 10-18 and I was like, "What is it suppossed to mean?" Then for what ever reason I added up the numbers of the time she died 5:41 which is 5+4+1= 10 Then she died on 12-09-2004 which if you add those numbers seperatly it equals 18. So there you go 10-18. I jumped out of the bathtub and called my cousin who was freaked out about the year before and what happened to me and she was telling me that it was so wierd. I never see 10:18 on the clock anymore than maybe once in a blue moon. I have so many stories like that especially since my mother has passed. I know she is there when I need her the most. That is what keeps me sane most of the time. I am lucky to have these moments with her presence.

You guys don't know how much it means to me to have found you. I seriously wonder sometimes if I'm mentally stable anymore.

I, too, keep thinking about Mother's Day. I was not able to have children, but I have a stepson. All I can think about is that this year, I'll have to wear a white corsage instead of red. My birthday is May 9th - I made my Momma a Momma on Mother's Day - they tried for 9 years before they got me, and then my brother came along almost immediately.

I used to make the corsages for me, my Momma, and my Mammaw to wear on Mother's Day. We lost Mammaw in late 2003, so last year, Momma was the one who had to change to a white flower. Now it's my turn. And it breaks my heart. I'm crying as I type this - keep having to make corrections.

My husband is a very caring, supportive man, but by his own admission, he's never faced a loss of this magnitude and doesn't understand what I feel. I told him I hope it's a long, long time before he does have to deal with anything like this.

Thank you all for listening, for replying, and for your support. I hope you know how much it means to me. I just feel so ALONE.

Thanks again,
Lori

Yes, Mother's Day this year is going to be very tough -- I also lost my mother during Christmas and I feel like that holiday will forever be ruined. I took my mother to the ER two days before Christmas 2004 because she was having trouble finding the thermostate in her house. I thought she had a stroke - but guess what? She had brain cancer - a large inoperable tumor that took up almost 1/4 of her head. She was in the hospital for two weeks and since she opted not to take treatment (it would not cure her anyway, they said -- only prolong her life by max of 6 months if she was lucky) On Christmas Day, I had to get up and make dinner for my family and my brother and sister who were visiting. My kids are 8,8, and 10, so we still had to do the Santa thing too. It was unbelievable -- we are went in to see my mother around 3PM and brought her a small lighted tree and exchanged gifts -- I couldn't give her most of the gifts -- I had bought lots of books because she loved to read, but the tumor had taken away her ability to read. I also gave her a spring jacket which we both knew she would never wear -- what a Christmas. On January 15th, after being home for only 10 days she passed away -- but not peacefully. She had been in some discomfort the whole time. She had bowel cramps which hospice could not seem to alleviate. The night she died, she woke up and we thought she was vomiting, but nothing came out. Her last words were "Oh dear God..." and she went to sleep. I believe she was in a coma -- she died about 4 hours later without ever waking up. Brain cancer is the scariest, most terrifying cancer to get -- not only does it kill you, but it destroys who you are -- I will never be able to forget what my mother went through and the sheer terror she felt when diagnosed. I think that the way that she died bothers me more than the fact that she died -- does that make sense....and now with Mother's Day looming it will all seem worse....

I realized today that I can't even go to Marshall Fields (a dept. store where I live). My mom and I went into one right before Easter this year and she wasn't feeling all that well, so I was pushing her around in a wheelchair. And boy did we shop! We bought so much stuff that day, and we had a blast doing it! Well today I went into one, not even the same store, and I started panicking becuz mom loved that store. Every where I looked it was Mother's day this and Mother's day that... I told my oldest daughter not to get me anything this year becuz it seems unfair that Nana can't be here to get anything for mother's day. Well a little later my daughter starts crying saying how much she misses Nana, and then I cry too. We're walking around the mall crying together.

I swear that my sister seems like she's doing so good, she told me the other day that she grieves privately at home. I couldn't understand that. Who grieves privately? Why can't we show our emotions? Like walking around the mall crying for instance! I told my husband that my sister acts so weird about this. Her wedding is next week and it doesn't even bother her that mom is not going to be there to enjoy it. Our mother just passed away last week and my sister can't wait for her wedding. I know that life has to go on, but I can not bear the thought of mom not being at the wedding. So much for celebrating.

Ya know, now that I look back to a year ago and everything in between... it never occured to me that my mom was going to die. Yeah, when we first found out my initial thoughts were; what's the prognosis for this type of cancer? And I researched it online and found out that most patients only lived 3 to 5 years. Well then we came to find out that that news was years ago and that they are making great progress in putting multiple myeloma into remission. So for the remainder of the year I never thought I didn't have much time left. I couldn't have imagined only having mom for 3 short weeks. But it's like you said, cancer is such a brutal disease. A friend of mines mother passed away from brain cancer and I know it progressed very quickly. My mom's cancer wasn't supposed to progress quickly, but it went out of control. Instead of the year I got I wish I would've gotten 3 to 5 years. I wish I would've known then, what I know now. I know I say this in every posting but I miss my mom so much. I feel like this is a nightmare that I'm not waking up from. And every single day I only get out of bed knowing that my two kids need me. I'm having such a hard time understanding why my mom is gone now. I often find myself thinking 'well, 3 weeks ago mom was still here' so why isn't she here now? Research often shows that they have no definate reasoning as to how people develop multiple myeloma, but what did my mom do that made her get cancer? She did not deserve this.

Hi All, I have been interested in everyone's experiences. My
Mom died from colon cancer on July 10, 2003. She had been
diagnosed in April of the same year. In three short months she
aged a hundred years and took her last breath. It is good to
know that others are having similar feelings of bereftment. I
sometimes forget that others have experiences similar to
mine,even though I'm a nurse and I see things like this
everyday.
I too have felt my Mom's presence now and again. Its
alwaysmore subtle than i want it to be, but its there.
One word real quick about grieving....Some people do grieve
alone. Peopleexperience grief in many different ways and even
though they arenot outwardlyshedding tears, it doesn't mean
they are not sad and greiving.
I have had it said to me alot that time will heal. I have found
that it does take the sting away, but i still feel bruised. This
Mom's day is hard....My mom and I always sent cards to each
other, several times a year for no good reason. I really miss
that. But I look often at all the cards she has sent to me.
Yesterday in a small shop I came across some great cards and
thought of my Mom immediately...I bought a ton of them andI
intend to send them to my Aunts and my Grammys. This is an
example of how I feel my Mom's presence.
I try to honor my sadness and grieving for my Mom as part of
my unique lifes experience. Part of me still can't believe that
she is gone, and will never understand why she had die the way
she did. Thank you all for experiences, and for beinga
sounding board for my own. Thanks

I understand the whole feeling of getting up for your kids is the only reason left to get up at all. I told my mom the day or two before she died that if it wasn't for my son I would just go with her. I never had to do anything in life without her there or her guidance in some way. It is literally like being a baby bird and falling out of the nest too early. I feel like I am wounded and there is no one to rescue me. That is a very hard thing to cope with. We had them there with us from birth, so we have never had to feel this feeling of lonliness ever before. We all feel alone sometimes but we have that blanket of security. Then when we lose our mother that blanket is gone and you discover a whole new depth of lonliness that you never knew was there before and you wish you could have that other feeling back becuz it wasn't that bad in looking back. I can only say that this is our life cycle and for some it is harsher by the way we lose someone or the timing in which we lose someone. Life is completely unfair and I've learned to live with that. In regards to your sister and the excitement for her wedding, the only thing I can say is that your mother would've wanted her to be happy right now and you never know if your mom has a part in protecting her right now from sadness. When my mom died, I planned the whole funeral and packed up her apartment and celebrated christmas then bought a brand new house to be built, which will be completed at the end of this month and took on a new position and so on and so on, but when it is all back to normal, I am scared of what might come out. Before she died she looked at everyone and told them there future as if she could she it and believe me that isn't like her at all. She was very fact driven and logical so it made it even more strange. But anyways, she looked at me and said that I will be here a long time becuz I had lots to do and then she looked back at me a couple seconds later and she said, oh my you are a very busy person in life. I thought, that's great, I am already tired! She kept pushing something away from my head though, as if there was something over me that she thought shouldn't be there. The scary part is she told my uncle the day of his death and my aunt was told she had too much smoke in her lungs and was having problems and she is now. She would tell me about the spirits that were there. Like I said, things happen for a reason and we talked about what she wanted me to do with my life and it is all coming in to play like she is controling my fate. I guess that is why I am coping. I know she is still all around me. I hate not having the physical her to hug and kiss and go shopping with and out to dinner with. She finally retired and moved next to me and all my children went to school all day. We were suppossed to have time together now. All her life she worked and traveled and then I had 3 kids and moved away and now she is gone. That is the resentment I have. Never take time for granted.

I think our moms are a lot alike. My mom was a strong and independent woman who didn't take crap from nobody. She was so smart and enjoyed a challenge. She loved to laugh and have a good time. She especially loved her family and we all knew it. She used to get real upset during her treatments becuz she didn't like not being in control or having people wait on her. She really left my dad in a pickle becuz now he's turning to us kids to help him organize and pay the bills or figure out the check book and all of the little things that mom used to do. My husbands birthday was a week ago on Sunday and my dad forgot it. Well this past Sunday my dad took him out and bought him his birthday present and dad said that mom would've killed him if he forgot our birthdays. So now dad wants a calendar with all the important dates for him to remember. Dad's not any good at that kind of stuff, probably cuz mom was so anal about everything that she took over when he tried to do it. I know what you also mean about the loneliness. Growing up there were so many times that I wished my mom away but I would give anything, ANYTHING to have her here again. I call over to my mom and dads house when I know that my dad won't be there just so I can hear my mom's voice on the answering machine. I hope my dad never changes it. My dad told my sister the other day that there are some things of mom's that he would like to give us and he want's me to have a ring of hers. My mom bought a 2 1/2 carat diamond ring right after her stem cell transplant and she reasoned it by saying that she had been through A LOT and that she deserved it. And yes, she truly did deserve it for all of her hard work. I cried and cried some more when I found out that my dad wants me to have it. I think it will be a long time before I'm able to even wear it.

I have a lot of things from my mother.....some make me feel good and some make me feel sad, so I know what you mean when you say you don't know if you can wear the ring. I have two gold bracelets that my mother wore every day and her cross and medal on a gold chain. All three of them I removed from her the day I took her to the emergency room and she was diagnosed with her tumor. I keep them with me always....my mother loved cats and had lots of ceramic cats, etc. in her house. My son, who is 8, wanted to go to Grammy's and get the cats -- he now has several in his room. My dad is alone now and every time I have to visit him, it reopens the wound -- I see my mother's things in her house and it looks like she should be there -- I have gotten rid of all the really personal stuff that no one will use, but everything else is still there...it is so sad to see her home without her in it....as kids, my brother, sister and I always said it wasn't home without mum. She was what made it warm and welcoming and now only the shell is left...I am getting better at dealing with my grief, but I am sure that you find that it hits at odd times, just when you think you have started to get in control -- I can truly relate to what everyone here is going through -- and it helps to be able to talk about it --- the world at large doesn't care or understand...

M