Dealing With The Loss of my Mom

You said everything exactly how I feel about going over to mom and dad's house. I wanna be able to go over there and see my dad but I can't even drive past their house w/o crying. When I'm in the house it's like I look for mom to be there. I see all of her stuff and it's decorated the way she wanted it to be. The house was too big for the two of them and now it's just my dad there. They haven't lived in this house that long, but this was going to be their final house. It was my mom's dream house. My dad says he wants to stay living there but to be honest I secretly wish he would move so I didn't have to have such a hard time going over there. But I know that my mom would've wanted him to stay there. And he would do anything for her.

When I'm out in public sometimes I feel like everyone can see that I'm hurting, like they know that my mom just died but yet they don't do anything to help me. Becuz everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives and they are all in such a hurry. I've watched two lives be born and now I've watched a life die. Life is too short to be in a hurry. After the funeral is done and family and friends go home and then you never hear from them unless something else happens. Our customers at work have sent cards and called giving their sympathy but then in the next breath they only wanna know when their job is getting done. Now it's two weeks later and I'm still here trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. And where is everyone else? I had a friend, who is kind of selfish person, ask if I was "feeling like my old self again". I think it will be a long time before I feel like myself again. I called up my estranged cousins and aunt whom I used to be really close with and made peace with them. And they came to my mom's funeral and now we email everyday and talk on the phone almost every other day. I'm constantly asking my nephew to come over becuz I love having him around. I want my time here on earth to be surrounded by the people I love. And to do so many things with them. Reading the newspaper can wait, the house will always need cleaning, and I can watch tv when the kids are asleep. Becuz for now I want to spend as much time as I can with the ones I love.

I guess I don’t have that pain in walking back into her house. I did at first before I got her apartment packed up. I would go over there alone at night and just sit there and cry. It was like I was waiting for her to appear. She never did, thank god, it probably would have scared me to death at that point. But I have all her stuff packed floor to ceiling in my garage right now. We are having a house built and it will be ready to be moved into by the end of this month. I made sure it had two living rooms and two dining areas and an extra bedroom just so I could have her stuff out and in use. She worked her butt off to acquire her beautiful things and I don’t want them given away or packed away. I wrote a beautiful poem with a picture of me in front of her plaque at the cemetery and I wrote in the poem that I would give God my life to hug her one more time and that this Mother’s Day and from now on will be my angel’s day. She is now my angel who flies above me ever so beautiful. It is really hard this week with all the celebrating of mothers but our are more then just mothers now, they are truly God’s angels.

Hello, again, everyone.

Wow! You guys freaked me out with some MORE similarities:

As the only daughter, my Dad gave me my Momma's jewelry. I've worn it since the night of the "visitation" - or wake or whatever. That was a tough day - I did Momma's makeup for her because I didn't want them putting a whole lot of stuff on her she never wore in the first place - thought I was going to fall out a time or two, but a cousin came by for support - we live in a really small NC town.

The only pieces I wear except ONCE IN A WHILE are her wedding set - kind of unusal because they were married in 1960 - yellow gold was in then, and her's are white gold - when I married in 2003, I just got a wide-ish plain white gold band - they look like they were made to go together - those are the ones I've worn since that night.

My Mom also took care of all their financial dealings, so now I'm making sure Daddy's bills are paid, set him up a filing system, he kind-of wants to learn, but seems to doze off in the middle - so I don't mind - that's the work I did before I became disabled. Sometimes my brother has to help me get things through to him, though. He thought he'd be destitute, when in fact, she made sure he'd be comfortable and made sure to tell me about it while she had me writing in that dang notebook.

I feel like a heel tonight - I just remembered and told my husband (can't keep up with dates like this - does well with birthdays & anniversaries, though) that we've got to think of something for his Mom when we go shopping tomorrow. His response was "Oh, Mother's Day is THIS Sunday?" - but if Momma were here, I know I would have already made their cards and bought their gifts by this time.

I really appreciate everyone's views. So many similarities.........unreal. Right now I'm about to fall asleep, so I'm shutting up, but hope to talk with y'all more later.

Lori

So did everyone survive mother's day? I was kinda sad for me all day. I took flowers to the cemetary and then went home and painted my kids room. I guess I could have just relaxed but that probably would have ended up with me crying in bed all day long listening to her Neil Diamond cd's. So I kept busy. My husband and kids took me for dinner and then I got sad and I cried myself to sleep. My husband just held me. My son slept in my bed too because I didn't want to be alone. I am so glad that day is over. We did watch that movie meet the fockers. It was very funny so that was 2 hours of some laughter. I hope everyone else got through it ok. There will be a lot of firsts this year and if we can get through them then we are doing ok.

Hello everyone!

Happy Mother's Day a day late to all you Moms.

I was kind-of glad to see someone else having a hard time with Mother's Day. Saturday afternoon, I went to my Mammaw's old homeplace -got red rose buds (and a few flowers - the old-timey kind that smell sooooo good!) - and some of her snowball bush flowers for me (like I said, my first year wearing the white flowers) -made flowers for my Dad and my husband with the red, the snow-balls started falling apart, and I guess so did I. Didn't go to church. Already had all my clothes laid out, and didn't go. Made me sick to my stomach to think about it. I live right across from their old house, and couldn't bring myself to go to the cemetery. She's more in that house across the road than she is in any dang graveyard. I'd put out some pretty flowers the week before. but could not bring myself to go the gravesite yesterday. We went to my inlaws' and ate a wonderful dinner - they gave me my birthday card a day early -beautiful card, but I just couldn't get with the program. Ended up drinking beer - not good with the meds I'm on, and I can't explain it.

Anyway, yesterday was Mother's Day, today is my birthday, and I just pulled my birthday cake out of the oven. I just can't help but think, me and Momma would have spent the day just window-shopping, maybe getting a few flowers, and she'd take me wherever I wanted to lunch. Last time, it was the What-A-Burger! She would have me a homemade chocolate cake with white icing - I just made myself a poundcake - but at least it's something!

Well, better get going. Thanks for "listening", as always.

Lori

My sister got married out of state this past weekend so we went and had an outstanding time. I did really good up until my dad gave a toast to my mom and then I started crying in the bar. We all did good, my dad, sister, brother and I. We got through it for my sister's sake and becuz we're a family. My mom helped my sister plan a lot of the wedding before she died so you really felt a lot of my mom when we were there. But still it also really felt like she was missing. Then we came home on Sunday and I was a bear! I had had a little too much fun at my sister's reception so I wasn't feeling all that well and being it was mother's day and all and it was like we left everything here and went away for the weekend, had fun and then came home and had to pick up where we left off. Reality hit me and it was like 'oh, that's right, I was sad when I was here'. Went to the cemetary with my dad, brother, husband, nephew and daughters and alls we all did was stand there and cry. We tried to tell my mom all about the wedding but it was too hard. Then I know my husband got mad at me cuz I didn't want to go over to his mom's house and "celebrate" mother's day. He just didn't get it. There are so many things I wanted to tell my mom at the cemetary but whenever I go over there I just cry and cry. My dad told me that he had a rough night last night. Today is 3 weeks since mom died and dad hadn't erased all of the messages on his answering machine, well he had like 30. And one of them was from mom.

So, I'm a gloomy gus today. Yesterday I didn't cry and I thought 'wow, this is good a whole day without crying' well i more then made up for it today. It drives me crazy that I can not pick up the phone and call my mom to ask her a question or tell her a funny story. Twice the past two days I actually thought of calling her. And twice I was reminded that I can't.

I saw the nurse today who was working in the ER the morning my mom died. And he was the one who told us that she was gone. That brought back so many memories. He walked past my sister and I in the grocery store and I expected him to say something to us but he didn't. He probably sees so many people a day that why should our faces look any different? My heart fell to my knees when I saw him. It was like it brought back that day all over again. To top it off it was raining just like the day mom died. Thankfully it wasn't on a Tuesday or I would've had a heart attack.

My brother said he gets really peeved when he sees people that don't know mom died and they ask him "hey, how's your mom doing?" I just find myself getting really peeved with people in general. Somebody doesn't have to even do anything wrong and I ticked off at 'em for walking to slow or standing too close to me in line. It's almost better off if I'm not out in public.

Yes, sometimes you will have gloomy days. I have them too. Some days I do OK and I think I can feel better and then it hits you. I talked to my mother every day on the phone and saw her at least once or twice a week - and now she is gone. I feel like I have no one to tell things to -- just the small things that only mothers care about. I also know what you mean about being in public. I am getting better, but you know what really pisses me off - it's not very nice. If I see someone who looks really old, I think what are you doing alive. My mother was 78, but looked 65 and she's dead -- how can someone who looks 85 be walking around? It's not nice, but it's how I feel. Sunday will be 4 months since my mother died....how can it be that I haven't seen my mother in 4 months....and just think how much longer stretches ahead of me....the only thing I can say that is a little better is that the horror of her death and how she suffered is fadomg a little - it will never go away completely and I will always miss her, but I no longer think of all the bad stuff continually -only sometimes during the day instead of constantly...hang in there....we all know how bad it is...

Once again, you said some of the things that I feel too. I see families out together and it makes me angry that these women have their mothers and I don't. I will look at a woman who looks like she is my mom's age and think, 'how come you're still living and my mom's not?' And I know that it is not even remotely their fault but it just all seems so unfair that we are all still living and our mother's aren't. Like I think it's unfair of me to be eating when my mom can't or that it's unfair of me to be breathing when I watched my mom struggle for her last breath. It's almost one month that she's been gone and I think that down the road in maybe a couple of years I will still think it's unfair becuz mom missed out on so much. I have never felt so alone as I do now. Although I am surrounded by my family and friends, I feel like there is the gigantic emptiness around me.

I lost my mom to cancer when I was 18. It will 5 years this Thursday. She was diagnosed with lung cancer but ultimately it spread to her brain and she died peacefully while in a coma. But there was nothing peaceful about the 9 months that it took my mom to wither away to a shadow of herself.
It seems somehow surreal that it's been 5 years already. I somehow don't ever think that the years will take away the shock that she isn't with me anymore...but one thing I do know is that everytime I look into the mirror I see her looking back at me, everytime I hear my voice I hear the echo of hers. Our mothers never really leave us, because there will always be something of them within us...that is something that has given me peace and comfort. She will always be with me...just like your mother will always be with you.