Help

My father has stage 4 stomach cancer.  I live out of state and have three children and a job.  I have traveled back and forth to my parent's home several times since his diagnosis four months ago.  Because I am not in proximity most of the time, I have done other things like set up and maintain a website to keep others updated and enable others to leave messages of support, been in contact with his Dr, the ERs (when he has gone) and the hospital (when he was once hospitalized).  I call everyday to check in, chat and offer emotional support to both he and my mother.  Additionally, I have offered to come and stay more frequently than the once or twice a month I have done thus far, prepared to take Family Leave if needed.  Every time I am told it is not necessary.  My mother's sisters have also taken time to stay with them.

This past weekend my family and I visited them again.  My father was very agitated and told me I should be ashamed of myself (yes, those were the actual words) for my lack of care and concern for he and my mother.  He ranted on about other things and ended on the note that he does not like that my husband did not ask him how he is doing and didn't ask what he could help out with.  I am at a loss.  I have not had an ideal relationship with my father truly, but I have been trying to do what I thought was the right thing all along.   I feel badly arguing with a terminally ill old man.  I spoke with the Dr in hopes that a stroke of maybe brain met might be causing him to say such mean things, but they said there is no evidence of either.  My father has always been prone to "rants" and I think he is a bit of a bully, but this is almost too much.  At this point, the only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel is the need for a clear conscience.  Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

<>This doesn

t sound like your problem, it sounds like your father's.

I feel for you, seems like all you can do is try to be supportive but don't buy into their nutsiness and/or selfishness. Maybe it's just panic.

In any case, try not to get too emotionally invested in all their stuff. Maybe do the old "repeat their concerns back to them with a question mark" and let them rave on.

Try not to take it too personally.

On 9/5/2007 Chi-girl wrote:

My father has stage 4 stomach cancer.  I live out of state and have three children and a job.  I have traveled back and forth to my parent's home several times since his diagnosis four months ago.  Because I am not in proximity most of the time, I have done other things like set up and maintain a website to keep others updated and enable others to leave messages of support, been in contact with his Dr, the ERs (when he has gone) and the hospital (when he was once hospitalized).  I call everyday to check in, chat and offer emotional support to both he and my mother.  Additionally, I have offered to come and stay more frequently than the once or twice a month I have done thus far, prepared to take Family Leave if needed.  Every time I am told it is not necessary.  My mother's sisters have also taken time to stay with them.

This past weekend my family and I visited them again.  My father was very agitated and told me I should be ashamed of myself (yes, those were the actual words) for my lack of care and concern for he and my mother.  He ranted on about other things and ended on the note that he does not like that my husband did not ask him how he is doing and didn't ask what he could help out with.  I am at a loss.  I have not had an ideal relationship with my father truly, but I have been trying to do what I thought was the right thing all along.   I feel badly arguing with a terminally ill old man.  I spoke with the Dr in hopes that a stroke of maybe brain met might be causing him to say such mean things, but they said there is no evidence of either.  My father has always been prone to "rants" and I think he is a bit of a bully, but this is almost too much.  At this point, the only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel is the need for a clear conscience.  Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

Hi.  I just wrote to you, but I just had to answer this post.  I hear your frustration.  Your statement that "At this point, the only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel is the need for a clear conscience" hits home with me.  Same situation.

My father can get awfully ugly in his words, his demands, his rantings and ravings.  I so relate to you.  I have done the exact thing you did, investigating whether, in his case, the pituitary tumor he has might be responsible for some of his behavior.  I was told no, as you were.  Neither have I had an ideal relationship with my father, and I also feel bad that things go so poorly between us sometimes.  After all, he has cancer.  I understand, Chi-girl, I understand.

When I described to my counselor the verbal abuse my father flung at me when we recently visited him, he said that if it had been him he would simply have left the house saying he would be back when he (my father) was able to talk kindly.  Instead, I caved to my father's domineering, screaming ways.  It was such a situation of fear.  He was yelling so loudly that he started coughing a kind of choking cough, saying, "Now look.  I'm coughing because I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU LIKE THIS -- (as if I am a child)....and then, "I'm a dying man."  How's that for intimidation and guilt?  He was so upset I literally thought he was going to have a heart attack.  So I caved.

It's situations like these where I am, like you, at a complete loss.  It's a good thing he lives in Arizona and I live in Michigan. 

I would point out, in as quiet and kind a way possible, when he is calm, that you have set up a website to keep friends informed, managed doctors, hospitals, the ER, that you come when you can, and that you are willing to leave work to spend more time with him.

I am sure you have done that, but he may need to be reminded that you are not at home sitting on your hands. 

I want to tell you that my counselor has been of immense help to me in helping me sort out my very mixed-up emotions through this, and if you are so inclined, I would suggest a good counselor.  I would be lost without mine. 

Keep in mind that you ARE ALREADY doing a lot, and that should keep your conscience clear.  Your father's cancer is probably speaking, as I believe my father's is, and they try, out of their frustration, to pull us into the swirl of their anger over having to deal with a disease that strips them of their control.

I agree with the person who posted that this is HIS problem, not yours.  But I also know that as the daughters we take on more than we probably should.  In my case I want to help, but my father slaps me away as if I were a pesky fly, and he does so with really nasty words and attitudes.

It's such a catch-22, d - - - - - if you do, d - - - - - if you don't, no-win situation.  I think you are doing exactly the right things, and it's probably a good thing that you live out of state.  I wonder if there is any kind of support group for caregivers or family members where you could at least express your exasperations.  I might look for something similar for myself.

Remind your husband how much you love him, and that your father's rantings are not a reflection of you at all.  My husband has always had a really tough time with my father, and has kept his mouth shut for years because I have epilepsy, and he knows that if he said anything it would just make it really bad for me.  These guys are our strength.

I know you will continue to come here for support.  When we got home from AZ I felt a huge burden lift off my shoulders, just walking into our house and then being around SANE people.  Being in his house is tension so thick it is palpable.  Being home is NORMAL.

And, of course, cancer is not normal, and I do have to feel for my father.  I only wish he could appreciate that others are trying to help him and to make things a little easier.  But he, too, is a bully, and I really cannot spend much time around him at all.  I have a need to stand up for myself, too. 

Best to you, and you have a friend here.

Maggie 

Maggie, thanks so much for sharing your story and advice.  Of all the research and investigating I have done on my father's cancer, just connecting with you has been the most helpful thing to me.

The tension in my parent's house is also thick.  I have three young children whom I do not want to expose too much to that enivironment, so that presents another dillemma for me when I travel to their house.  Of course, my husband is quite fine with staying home with them! 

My Dad has not played the "I'm a dying man" card on me--yet.  I presume it is that very fact that has played a role in ratcheting up his anger lately.  The fact that he is indeed, dying, and it is all beyond his control.  Somehow, now that he is so sick and frail now, I find him less intimidating.  However, if I was in a situation like you described, I might cave in, too.  I feel badly arguing with a terminally ill old man!  But. like you mentioned, it is often a no win situation with him (and my mother) and nothing that is ever done or said is quite right or enough, or whatever.  You know how it is:  there is always a fault or deficiency with everyone and everything.  It is truly a sad way to go through life, let alone an attitude to die with.  But is is his definition of 'normal'.

It has taken me years to 'get' that the problem lies with my father and not me.  I do understand that now,  but that is not to say that he scathing remarks do not still sting.   I have a wonderful husband and he and I have worked hard over the years to establish our own family traditions and such so that we can convey the importance of HEALTHY family interactions while steering clear of the unhealthy ones.

 Thanks so much for your kindness and friendship.