Re: Guilt!!!

My husband was diagnosed 06-2006, He is taking third round of chemo now erbtox and cpt11, all others have failed, I get so tired of going to the clinic every week, I know I should not feel this way but I am really tired all the time. He is not sleeping at night at all anymore. It is wearing me down fast. My kids can't come and visit much it breaks their heart to see this man that 14 months ago weighed 298 lbs. now weighs about 180.

I am so lonely and seeming resentful I really hate feeling this it's almost like all I can do is be pissed off at the world. All our dreams seem to be ending just when they were supposed to come true. I feel so much guilt and it seems to be because I am angry. I wish sometimes I could just disappear. Please tell me this is normal if not normal expected. Thank You !1                                                               

                                                      Brenda

Hi Brenda:

Try to stay strong. I remember when I had to juggle working full time at a very stressful position and then coming home every night to cook, clean, etc. I was so use to my husband helping me cook and do chores. When he got sick he tried to save his energy to go to work. I would try to go with him for every doctors appt, treatment and then equal out my hours at work so the boss would not complain. Sometimes I would be in the kitchen cleaning 1:00 am in the morning and then getting up at 6:00 am to get ready for work. I would say to myself I feel like a zombie, why do I derserve this. My husband felt so bad because I was so tired. I would snap at our daughter but she was so upset over her fathers illness and I guess I expected more. Now that I think of it she did alot. She did not want to see her father sick. They were the best of buddies. He to was a big guy 260 and dropped to about 150lbs. This disease not only destroys the patient but the whole family.  I would say to myself, why am I complaining look at what my husband is going thru and he never compained, he was only getting tired of all the doctor appts, medicine, not feeling well due to the treatment.

Its normal to feel this way, who asked for this to happen to our loved ones and what it does to the whole family. Don't feel guilty, just try to stay strong.

Best of Luck

Bernadette

On 9/11/2007 Wilmabc wrote:

Hi Brenda:

Try to stay strong. I remember when I had to juggle working full time at a very stressful position and then coming home every night to cook, clean, etc. I was so use to my husband helping me cook and do chores. When he got sick he tried to save his energy to go to work. I would try to go with him for every doctors appt, treatment and then equal out my hours at work so the boss would not complain. Sometimes I would be in the kitchen cleaning 1:00 am in the morning and then getting up at 6:00 am to get ready for work. I would say to myself I feel like a zombie, why do I derserve this. My husband felt so bad because I was so tired. I would snap at our daughter but she was so upset over her fathers illness and I guess I expected more. Now that I think of it she did alot. She did not want to see her father sick. They were the best of buddies. He to was a big guy 260 and dropped to about 150lbs. This disease not only destroys the patient but the whole family.  I would say to myself, why am I complaining look at what my husband is going thru and he never compained, he was only getting tired of all the doctor appts, medicine, not feeling well due to the treatment.

Its normal to feel this way, who asked for this to happen to our loved ones and what it does to the whole family. Don't feel guilty, just try to stay strong.

Best of Luck

Bernadette

Thank's so much for your words of encouragement, My husband has stage 4 colon cancer with mets to his liver. His prognosis is not good although this week he seems to be taking a turn for the better. Doc say's his liver function is better than it was a month ago. He is taking erbtox and cpt11 that one makes him pretty sick. The chemo has totally drained him and damaged him so that even if they get his cancer under control I am afraid the residual effects are pretty bad. He has decided that if this therapy fails he will not take anymore. I am not sure if that is right or wrong but he is really tired. They will do ct scans in 2 weeks to see if the chemo is working on the cancer. Thanks so much for your response. Brenda

On 9/10/2007 Oncrx wrote:

your feelings are normal.  I assume your husband has colon cancer but you dont say what stage or what his prognosis is.  Regardless, you could benefit from some counseling. 

Thanks for your response, My husband has stage 4 colon cancer with mets to his liver!

Brenda:

My heart goes out to you.  I think the guilt is normal, however I am new to all this too.  I am an only child, taking care of my 81 year young Mother with stomach cancer.  I have tremendous guilt because (you think you're bad) I am constantly frustrated with her for not helping herself (which in her condition and age, oh my God, what am I thinking?).  I'm always begging, crying and yelling at her to try to eat and walk around to gain strength and I don't understand why she just won't try.  She's been a fighter her whole life and now nothing, I get down right angry.  I've tried everything and the only time she responds to me is when she knows I'm mad.  I have guilt every day over this.  

 I am so short patient and tired too.  I'm hoping this is all normal for you and me.  If it helps you can always message me to vent.

We're all just doing the best we know how.  Our loved ones know we love them even if we have all these mixed emotions.

You're in my thoughts! 

Brenda,

My husband has stage 4 lung ca with mets to his bones and has had 6 chemo treatments with 3 more to go before another scan to see if it is helping.  In 3 months he has lost 70lbs. and hardly get out of bed because he is too tired and sick most of the time.  I work full time and take call 20 hrs a week, am a respite care giver for my 6yr old grandson for 17hrs per week and hand write for my old job when they have extra work.  Yes, I am very tired and just weary with stress but being so lonely is the worst.  My husband has become almost a stranger that I take care of and it breaks my heart everyday.  Because of his suffering, I am ready for it to be over and I know that sounds horrible.  I feel guilty just writing it but it is true and I could only post this on this site because I know there are others out there that feel the same.  We need to support each other.  Until this disease claims someone in your family no one understands the horror.  That is why I feel so comfortable writing how I feel on this site.  We all have our guilt so know that you are not alone.  Take care.  Margaret

Guilt plagues me also.  My husband has stage IV renal cell with mets to the brain (3) and spots in both lungs that are "suspicious for cancer".  Because of the brain mets my husband has become confined to a wheel chair and unable to do even simple tasks.  He is completely dependent on me.  I cannot be away from him because he cannot even go to the bathroom by himself.  I bathe him, feed him put him to bed, get him up take him to the bathroom, etc.  We are together 24/7.  I retired 3 years ago and we were going to travel and enjoy ourselves.  He discovered the tumor in the kidney almost 2 years ago and the brain mets about 16 months ago.  He is now on sutent and takes a tub full of pills everyday including high doses of steroids because they cannot get the swelling out of the brain. 

I love to golf and take care of my grandkids but can't do either.  Yes guilt gets hold of me every single day but I love him dearly and he is facing this all very bravely and I will do my best to do the same.  Some days I do better than others.  We have support from our kids and close friends but ultimately I think we are in this by ourselves.  Our kids are busy raising their families and making a living and I don't want to infringe on their time.  It is very tough and I don't think God will judge us too harshly for exhibiting human feelings, at least I hope not.

 It helps to hear that others are going thru the same. 

ginnyx7

Ginnyx7

I think you're right, human nature is to have guilt no matter how well we're handling the situation.  I'm so grateful for this website because we are not alone.

My prayers are with you all.