When Do You Give Up?

Today at noon we're supposed to go see the doctor and talk about it all in a family meeting.  Basically the jist is that they (the doctors) want us to put my mom who has stage IV stomach cancer in pallative care or hospice.

Quality of life is what I here all the time, but it seems like something the doctor's say so they can stop trying.  I know that in the end its my mom's choice, but I'm having trouble understanding the whole giving up.   I do understand that she's depressed and in pain and just unhappy.

She started vomiting constantly now whenever she drinks or eats anything but they don't know why.  They don't see any blockage.  She has constant diarrhea and wears a diaper now.  She is very depressed.  She has a biliary tube (the bile duct got compressed due to her surgery to remove the cancer).  She has two nephrostomy tubes (cancer blocking the ureters).  They just put in two tubes to drain the fluid from her lung cavities which they are hoping will be temporary.  She's on TPN for nuitrition and gets her fluids via IV also.  She's on morphine for whenever she wants it.

It all sounds horrible.  What's even worse is that my wedding is in three and a half months and the doctor's don't think she'll make it to then.  So I'm at a loss on what to do.  It seemed just last month she was doing fine and then it went downhill so fast.

What can I expect next?  Why do I keep feeling I'm letting her down if I let everyone give up?

On 9/23/2007 goofpuff wrote:

Today at noon we're supposed to go see the doctor and talk about it all in a family meeting.  Basically the jist is that they (the doctors) want us to put my mom who has stage IV stomach cancer in pallative care or hospice.

Quality of life is what I here all the time, but it seems like something the doctor's say so they can stop trying.  I know that in the end its my mom's choice, but I'm having trouble understanding the whole giving up.   I do understand that she's depressed and in pain and just unhappy.

She started vomiting constantly now whenever she drinks or eats anything but they don't know why.  They don't see any blockage.  She has constant diarrhea and wears a diaper now.  She is very depressed.  She has a biliary tube (the bile duct got compressed due to her surgery to remove the cancer).  She has two nephrostomy tubes (cancer blocking the ureters).  They just put in two tubes to drain the fluid from her lung cavities which they are hoping will be temporary.  She's on TPN for nuitrition and gets her fluids via IV also.  She's on morphine for whenever she wants it.

It all sounds horrible.  What's even worse is that my wedding is in three and a half months and the doctor's don't think she'll make it to then.  So I'm at a loss on what to do.  It seemed just last month she was doing fine and then it went downhill so fast.

What can I expect next?  Why do I keep feeling I'm letting her down if I let everyone give up?

I know exactly what you are going through.  My mom went through the same thing.  Does your mom have linitis plastica?  My mom was constantly throwing up green bile since April of this year and was on TPN since beginning of February.  My mom was also on diapers because she couldn't control her urine and poop which was like diarrhea.   My mom's legs and feet also became swollen.  She was in so much pain.  She passed away end of June 2007.  There hasn't been a day I don't miss her. My mom fought a difficult fight.  I just want you to know that I know what you are going through.  Tell your mom how much you love her and ask her all the questions you wanted to know.

Well, they are stopping treatment and she is going into pallative care and hospice.  She's very depressed right now and all she can talk about is "when mommy is not here you have to take care of your brother and sisters".   I think my siblings are in a bit of denial.

I'm not sure what to talk to her about.  We've never really been that close.  We always argued alot and never really agreed on anything.  She's much closer to my other sisters.  The irony now is that I'm the only one who spends much time with her as the caregiver.  I do tell her I love her whenever I can.

Watching her in pain is the hardest part.  She tells me she is ready to die just to stop the pain.  Unfortunately she is really sensitive to pain medication and sometimes they make her sick so the pallative team has been trying to figure out the best way to alleviate that.  It also helps that she doesn't always tell you when she needs pain medication.

Sometimes I do hope she does pass away in her sleep just to free her from the pain, no matter how much I will miss her when she's gone.  sometimes I get jealous and selfishly angry because other girls have their mothers when they get married and have children, but mine won't be there to help me.

Thank you everyone for your support.  Its not easy to talk to other people about this, people who haven't gone through the same thing.  They don't seem to really understand. 

My dad is in Hospice, and it's really the best thing we could have done for him. He is not in any pain, feels nothing, but can still hear us as we tell him how much we love him.

My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 in March, and this disease has progressed so fast, we really are in shock. He has a day/hours left, but we continue to be with him, and let him know it is ok to go. He is really fighting though.

Prayers to you, and your family. I know how hard this is for you all. 

On 9/24/2007 goofpuff wrote:

 sometimes I get jealous and selfishly angry because other girls have their mothers when they get married and have children, but mine won't be there to help me.

 

I feel this way too with my dad.  I pray to god that he is going to survive this disease.  God bless you and your family.

On 9/25/2007 Steeda wrote:

 

On 9/24/2007 goofpuff wrote:

 sometimes I get jealous and selfishly angry because other girls have their mothers when they get married and have children, but mine won't be there to help me.

 

I feel this way too with my dad.  I pray to god that he is going to survive this disease.  God bless you and your family.

I hope you have better luck than I did and that your father falls in that lucky percentage that survives this disease.

I was getting sick all the time too, has she had radiation? When I had radiation it affect the area between the esophagus and the stomach. It actually made it close. the need to do a scope to see what is going on with that. I have had relief after suffering for 8 monhts, and no doctor knew what to do. I went back to my GI doctor that did the scope to begin with and he knew right away to do a scope and check it out. Two weeks later they had to scope me again because it was beginning to close, but now is doing much better

Good luck!!