Thank you Eileen and Les. Unfortunately two hours into surgery they sent word to me while in the waiting room that the doctor was not going to do the 'whole' surgery and would be in to talk to me. About a half hour later the surgeon came in, who I have to say is the most compassionate man and who we have complete confidence in, and told me my husband was no longer a candidate for the Whipple because when they got in they found the cancer had spread to the liver.
We now go to plan B - chemo therapy for palliative purposes. Our doctor's best estimate is 9-18 mos.
My husband and I are suppose to meet with the oncologist later this evening or tomorrow morning. My husband, who is a scientist said he will weigh the pros and cons and then make the decision as to whether he will go ahead with the chemo therapy.
Last night everything hit me hard as I sat in my hotel room and cried and penned the following:
Pain has now taken up residence inside my heart.
It was suppose to be a ‘slam-dunk’. Diagnosed early. No appearance of metastatis. He was young. His general health was good. A Whipple, and a hope for a cure.
Surgery started and ended before we could finish a cup of coffee. Cancer. Spread. Liver. 12 months. Five words and pain moved in. I wonder if it will ever move out.
Pain that is white hot. Scorching like a brandishing iron, branding us with words like terminal, palliative, no cure, chemo-therapy.
Cancer. The word leaves my lips like a bitter blast of artic air, freezing those within ear shot. The sound of it loud, strident and harsh. Piercing the ears with a knife-like stabbing power.
This pain. This heavy, jagged, rigid, cruel, unyielding force that lives with me now. With each new sunrise comes the smarting throbbing pain; an open, raw, wound stung by the salt filled tears that fall from my eyes in an attempt to wash this pain away.
Pain has now taken up residence inside my heart.
I never expected to be a widow at age 52.