Wife 39 - Pregnant - Already 2 Kids - Losing The Battle

I am the husband and Father of this situation.  While it pains me to take the colder and logical approach.  I find myself (while not losing total hope), looking a year or two down the road to protect the 2 children we do have.

 We are just now getting more bad news and I fear that we are going to lose the baby (if it helps my wife though, I am in total support).

I don't think my wife is ready yet for the realization that this will have a bad outcome and I hope I jinx it.  However, I find myself needed to prepare the kids and myself for the worse happening.

 I don't want to be left with, "She's gone and I don't know what to do." I want to know and more importantly want to be ready for the kids (ages 7 and 2).

 Any thoughts or dealings with kids whose Mother is losing the battle.  At this point, they just know that she is kinda sick (and this is breast cancer that has come back and moved to the liver, lungs and bone).

My heart breaks for you and your family, and I'm not sure I can offer any help other then that my Mom died from Breast Cancer when I was six and from my point of view as a child I wish everyone around me was very upfront. Don't assume they don't understand, or won't understand because they are actually aware of way more then you may think, and it could really be scaring them. Make sure to talk to them about it often (Don't harp on it, take their cues, but always let them know you are there to answer anything they are wondering). Ask them if they are scared, what they are scared of, and let them know your feelings too. (Like if they are scared to loose their Mom let them know you are scared too, but you guys will have each other to get through it).

If you are stressed or frustrated I think it is OK to says, you know, I'm sorry, I'm just missing Mommy right now.

Keep her alive around you. Talk about her, laugh and remember her.

I have a 5 and 7 year old right now and my Dad just died from Cancer. I know it is nowhere near the same situation, but I really tried to talk to them through it, and not pretend they didn't realize what was going on. (I also didn't push it either).

Also make sure their teachers and school are always arware of what is/has happened. I remember being a kid and having other kids tease me because my mom died. Now I know it was just because it was something that was different about me, but I don't think teachers ever really knew.

I hope some of this helps. My biggest fear is leaving my children and having them face what I had to.

Vanessa is exactly right. My Mom died of colon cancer. My Dad had 4 of us girls, 14, 10, 8, and 2. The hardest day of my life was the day she passed. It still brings tears to my eyes to see her lying in that hospital bed knowing it was the last time we would ever see her. I was the 10 year old. My Dad was terrific. He notified the school and the teachers' support was unbelieveable. They helped whereever they could. My Dad kept us all together until we finished school and got married. He was honest with us but I remember he never went into great detail of what was wrong with her until years later when we were older and ssked questions. You are doing the right thing. You have to look to the future and protect your kids. They are going to need you. Enjoy what time you have with your wife and I hope that she is with you for a long time. God will take you through this. You seem to be a very strong person with your heart in the right place. God Bless you and your family and please keep us posted on your wife's progress. Nancy

From your screen name, I am guessing you are perhaps from the Chicago area. There is an organization called "Rainbows" that helps children and families through grief and loss. I think it might be perfect for your children. It is headquartered in Rolling Meadows, Illinois:
800-266-3206 or 847-952-1770. There are chapters in other states and countries as well. The website is www.rainbows.org

I am so sorry for the situation that your entire family is going through and admire your strength and concern for your children, not only now, but in the future. As a mother, I can tell you that would be so important to me---to know that my kids would be helped to grieve and come to terms with the loss. Bless you on this journey.

These repsonses are very helpful, if I can take it one step further.  How did your Dads do with raising you.  I find myself thinking I am going to be way moer involved than ever as the Mother won't be there to be their friend. 

I know I can still be their friend, but clearly the Mother has better point of references.

So what does the Dad do, try to become that friend and have a more hands on approach or back off a little and let them come to me if they feel comfortable.

Now of course I'm talking the girl stuff and that.  Of course I would be involved with school and rules and such.  I mean more the emitional support of all girls and a Dad.

My Dad was amazing!  He was my hero.  He did remarry, but losing my Mom and having a single Dad taught me great independance.  (Probably too much).  I have learned to be very self reliant.  I was fortunate to have really close friends I guess, and managed through it.  My Dad didn't try play the Mom as well as Dad.  I'm not sure how that would have been!  So sorry, I can't really offer much of a game plan, but be there for them and love them.  My Dad may not have done everything right, but I never doubted his love for me and how hard he tried.

Your children sound so fortunate to have such a caring father, I think just you will do great - you can tell you are a loving dad and they will appreciate that.

Vanessa

 

 

On 11/4/2007 Chicago05 wrote:

I am the husband and Father of this situation.  While it pains me to take the colder and logical approach.  I find myself (while not losing total hope), looking a year or two down the road to protect the 2 children we do have.

 We are just now getting more bad news and I fear that we are going to lose the baby (if it helps my wife though, I am in total support).

I don't think my wife is ready yet for the realization that this will have a bad outcome and I hope I jinx it.  However, I find myself needed to prepare the kids and myself for the worse happening.

 I don't want to be left with, "She's gone and I don't know what to do." I want to know and more importantly want to be ready for the kids (ages 7 and 2).

 Any thoughts or dealings with kids whose Mother is losing the battle.  At this point, they just know that she is kinda sick (and this is breast cancer that has come back and moved to the liver, lungs and bone).

 

My heart completely breaks for you.  When my husband was diagnosed with Stage IV colorectal cancer in June 2005, we were very upfront with our three oldest children (they were 13, 10 & 9 at the time -- our twins were only 2 yrs old then)  It's been one roller coaster after another and our older three have already witnessed more pain & suffering than any child should ever have to go through -- but we've always been as honest as possible.  My oldest (now 16) knows that his father is not curable, but he is treatable and that a re-occurence is not a matter of "if" it's just a matter of when.  When discussing this with your children, it's best to keep everything age appropriate and as simple as possible.  My twins, now 4, do not know that Daddy has cancer (he's actually cancer-free at the moment), but they do pray every night for God to bless theirt daddy with good health and happiness.  And children are much more intuitive than we really would like them to be -- especially when it comes to cancer.  The one thing that we have never discussed with our children are the odds of survival -- for most Stage IV patients is a 25% survival to 5 years, yet my husband also has Type 1 (has since he was 12 and he is now 45), so his odds are actually less than 10% -- but that's never discussed.  We only talk about how far medical advancements have come and how there a many people who survive -- and then I tell them that God isn't ready for a stubborn Irishman like their father -- that makes them laugh -- a little.

I wish I had more words of advice for you -- just trust your gut feelings on how to approach this situation.  I find myself having good days and other days are just really tough -- it's actually tougher on me with him in remission because I find myself afraid to believe that it will last for too long (the rug has been pulled out from under us too many times before).  I, too, am afraid of raising these children by myself and even more afraid that no matter how positive my husband is all of a sudden, that he may quite possibly only see one of them graduate high school (let alone college or weddings)

But there are trememdous advancements being made all the time and if you do live near a major cancer center, it might be worth checking into getting another opinion -- or at the very least the latest advancements in terms of treatment options.

God Bless you & your family,

Lori