Please Help! Coping.

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I need to know if someone can understand my feelings. I found out about two years ago my Dad had stage 4 Esophageal cancer. I am very close to my dad he is like my best friend. Since the Diagnosis I moved back with them to spend time together. We went the whole Two years wit nothing but good results. Every time we would have a cat scan I would worry the whole time about what the results would be. Even when the results were good I would bug my dad to make sure he felt ok. I was always worring.

Anyway, a few months back my dad started feeling really bad. His arm went numb and he had trouble walking. We then took him to the doctor and was told he had ten brain tumors. Needless to say the prognosis was not good. When I found this out I was very upset and cried alot. The problem is now I cannot cry and have no emotion period. I feel like I am in a haze. I have accepted the news and know that if my dad passes he will be with God. I try every day to spend time with him and hate going to work. I wih I could just spend time with him and sleep the other times. I can't think about how he was because I am now used to what he has progressed to. I know that if he passes I will feel loss and he knows how much I love him, and that comforts me. Why do I feel so blank and emotionless? Am I in shock or what? I know its not because I don't love him. I just feel wierd about all of this.

My heart goes out to you. This is such a hard road to travel. I strongly encourage you to make sure you have a group of people to support you. It can make all the difference.
My husband has a brain tumour. At first I felt so determined that we were going to beat it, I was going to find the magic cure. After a bit of research I realised statistically how hopeless it was and then I also felt numb and devoid of emotions for about 2 months. We are now at the 4 month mark and I feel my emotions have come back, now I find I cry at the drop of a hat and as my husband is deterioating mentally I feel I am actually going through a grieving process now as we have lost the man we had.
I would just go with the flow of your feelings, you know you love your Dad and that's all that matters. Spend as much time as you can together but a break from the stress of caring for someone so ill can be refreshing and help you to offer more quality care.
I pray that you have peace and strength during this time. Life is truly a precious gift.

I am sitting her crying at your story! I can relate to you, as I was in your shoes too. My father had cancer and passed away last year. I was daddy's little girl and it broke my heart. I cried and cried until I couldn't cry no more. It hurt me to see him suffer and I just wished that I could have taken away his pain. It got to the point were I was bathing and feeding my dad. I never had a stomach for vomit but when my father was sick, I stood beside him and tried helping him through it. I know he was proud of me because so many times at night when my mother would fall asleep, my father would call out for me and just hold my hand and look at me and tears would fall down him cheaks... The night that my father passed on almost felt like relief in a sense for me and my mom. We were both sad that he passed at such a young age... but he wasn't hurting anymore. For me, I have taken things worse now that he is not with me then when I found out he didn't have much time to live. The only thing that I can say to you is this... you are only granted one parent in life... Do what ever you can do to be there with him at this time... you may regret it later on if your not... I took a family leave of absence and didn't get paid for over a month just to be with my dad... I never wanted to look back and wish that I did things differently. I told my father everything I needed to say and forever told him how much I loved him and how proud I was that he was "my" dad! I do believe that my father is with me daily as I get little signs that make me smile. My father was cremated (his wishes) so I got a guardian angle urn with his ashes in it, and his is now close to my heart everyday. I truely wish you and your family the best! Remember... you NEVER get a second chance!

Rob,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My dad passed away from esophageal cancer 6 years ago and my mother now has terminal brain cancer. She was diagnosed last December. She is now in a nursing home and doing ok, but mentally we see her deteriorating more and more. It's like losing her a little piece at a time. She still understands everything we say, but she has trouble with her words because the tumor is near the speech center. She actually had two brain tumors, one of which they were able to remove. She's 80 years old and she's been such a trooper. She's gone through so much and I'm so proud of her.

I completely understand about feeling numb. I am extremely close to my mom and I know when she's gone I will be devastated, but most of the time I walk around just feeling nothing. I think it's because if I let my emotions come to the surface, they will overwhelm me. Right now I know I need to stay strong for her. I do have times every month or so when I just completely break down, but for the most part I just keep going. I'm on part time family leave at work so that I can spend a lot of time with her. I feel guilty though, because there are days when it's emotionally exhausting being with her. I'm almost relieved to go home, then when I get home I miss her and feel sad. It's also hard when you see other people just going about their day and you can't remember what it's like to have a normal life anymore.

Anyway, I've rambled on enough. Please know that my thoughts are with you. Sometimes it helps to know that other people are going through a similar situation.

Kimmie

What you are feeling is completely normal. I believe it is your body's way of helping you cope with a tremendous burden. If you had to deal with your emotions 24/7 you would not be able to function. Don't worry the emotions are all there and they come at a time when you can handle them mentally. My time used to be when the boys were in bed and the house was quiet and I had a moment to myself to ponder what the future held, and I would finally get to sleep only to wake up screaming. We go into auto pilot mode for our sake and our loved ones, we feel we need to be there for them, to be strong and not burden them with our with our fears and doubts. But in my mothers case, I was trying to sheild my feelings from the one person who knew me better than anyone. She would tell me that I may be fooling other people but not her. 30 years earlier she had been in my shoes watching her mother die and she knew how scary it was. Ironically thru her death process she show me how to live. To this day no one leaves the house or goes to bed without saying I love you, you are never too proud to say you are sorry, clear the air; never let something brew, and kisses don't cost a thing. Don't worry you are not numb and uncaring you are coping and dealing the best way you can.

Dear Deb's Friend,

I know your response was to the original poster, but your words struck a chord with me. My mother also knows me better than anyone else in this world and as you said, it's SO hard to hide my feelings from her. She's also the person I always went to for comfort, and now I have to be strong for her. I was talking to her the other night on the phone, and even though her words were coming out all wrong, she can still say 'I love you'. I know someday soon she will be gone and I won't be able to pick up the phone and call her anymore. I just don't know how I'll handle that. I know I will, I'm just not sure how. I guess a day at a time, you know? Sorry for rambling, but I really identified with your post.

Thanks,

Kimmie