Husband Dying Of Pancreatic Cancer And Cheats In The End

Sometimes I just don't know how I can continue with this whole deal.  My husband of 11 years at age 42 was diagnosed with Stage II pancreatic cancer in July 2005.  We have two beautiful daughters now ages 8 and 3.  He had been a stay at home parent for six years at the time of the intial diagnoses and it has been so hard for our eldest daughter as he was her primary caregiver for her entire life.  She was definitely a Daddy's girl.  After six very difficult months of surgery, chemo and radiation treatments we had the gift of nine months where he was doing much better.  We went on a major vacation that summer and enjoyed making some wonderful memories.  Then last October we learned of growths on his liver which was confirmed as the pancreatic cancer in November.  He immediately wanted to have a just becuase party and I therefore had one for him.  Then come December he starts an affair it escalates through this March when I mistakenly find out.  He denies and lies about it but then admits to it but continues to lie.  There are so many details I could go on about for quite some time but the bottom line is I have been devasted by his actions.  Now as he continues to get sicker I find that I often just don't know what to do.  It is all just too much.  If anyone can offer some suport and/or suggestions it would be really appreciated. 

Broken hearted cargiver.

This is really a tough one.  I would not attempt to judge your husband for his actions but certainly do not understand them.  At face value his actions appear to be very selfish but then I have not been in his shoes. 

Are you asking if you should leave him or stay with him or what?  I really don't know what I would do in this situation but you need to keep in mind that you cannot change his actions and you will not be judged for his actions, only your own.  Guess my advice to you is to be sure that what you decide to do is something you can live with.  If you are a Christian I would advise prayer and counseling with your pastor.  Wish you well.

Ginny 

 

 

On 11/18/2007 ginnyx7 wrote:

This is really a tough one.  I would not attempt to judge your husband for his actions but certainly do not understand them.  At face value his actions appear to be very selfish but then I have not been in his shoes. 

Are you asking if you should leave him or stay with him or what?  I really don't know what I would do in this situation but you need to keep in mind that you cannot change his actions and you will not be judged for his actions, only your own.  Guess my advice to you is to be sure that what you decide to do is something you can live with.  If you are a Christian I would advise prayer and counseling with your pastor.  Wish you well.

Ginny 

 

Ginny,

I had decided that I don't want to be partners anymore but to let him live with us for the girls sake.  I thought that it would be better if they were able to have more memories with him.  I really thought that he would try to make ammens and I'd hopefully be able to forgive him before it was too late - but I have no desire to reconcile.  Please understand that he has said he is sorry but in the 8 months since I found out he has attempted to contact her multiple times and has only admitted it was an affair for about three scattered weeks.  He claims that they never consumated their relationship although I have proof of over 250 phone calls between and that he bought her almost $2000 in gifts plus they both admit to secretly meeting and he that they exchanged "I love yous".  Prior to his, at minimum emotional, affair we both thought we were doing well as a couple - especailly given what we were going through.  However, he still won't/can't explain why he did it and doesn't seem to truely be sorry.  He claims he still loves me but it doesn't feel that way to me and I cannot trust him.  As I am truely tired, feel that I have lost my spirit and have little patience for our poor girls I am starting to think that perhaps I should change my decision to let him stay with us.  I lose my composure much more frequently and am not sure if it is better that I keep him around.  Especially now that I am seeing signs that he seems to be getting worse and I really don't know that I am going to be albe to be an adequate caregiver.  I really do feel like he was being very selfish and the affair was an exciting escape from reality.  I don't know what I am looking for from anyone right now.  I'd just like to find the strength to be a better Mom to my kids through this and afterwards.  As for my religion, I am really questioning that whole aspect of my beliefs at this point.  I do judge him for his actions - it was his decision to both start and continue a extramarital relationship in spite of his commitment to me.  He may think he had one of the best excuses for having an affair but I do not believe that there are any.  If he wanted the other married women they could both get a divorce and have at it all they wanted.  Anyway, thanks for your thoughtful response.  Sorry I sound so bitter, I really thought I'd get better about it given time but that hasn't happened - not yet any way.

Karen

Karen,

You don't sound bitter but like someone who has been hurt very deeply.  You are right, caregiving is a very tough job and if you have ill feelings toward him that will make it worse.  With his history I probably would not believe a word he said.  He cheated on you whether he "consumated" the affair or not.   Again though I would encourage you to seek counseling of some kind.  There are a lot of counselors out there and you need to look until you find one that will at least help you relieve some of the frustration and anger you have.  You have a lot of emotion that needs to be vented.  At this stage you really need to consider you and your children first and foremost.  Your girls are what are important and so do them a favor and get some emotional help before you make a decision.     

I am almost 2 years into caregiving and it gets tougher everyday.  If necessary can you do that?  Probably best if you made that decision before it gets too bad for him.  We don't know how long we will be in this mode and it is probably necessary for us to know up front whether or not we can do the job.   My situation demands 24/7 with my husband unable to do even very simple tasks for himself.  I did not foresee this from the beginning, it has been this way (24/7) for almost a year.  Could you do that if you had to?  Does he have other family members that could step in and do this? 

I wish you all the best and do not envy you the decision you must make. 

Ginny

 

 

 

 

Karen, I really feel for you. I myself been betrayed by my husband with his co-worker  15 years ago. I have 3 children with this man. We 've been married for 39 years. all my children are grown now and have their own family. I am a grandmother of 7 good grandchildren. My husband's relationship with the children was in good term I guess. I manage to show my children that my husband and I have a good marriage but the truth of the matter is, it wasn't. It was very hard thing to do but I did it because after I'm long gone they still have that respect for their father. I am a lung cancer survivor for 12 years. I was just informed by the hospital that they discovered a very abnormal calsifications. suggesting higly suspected malignancy and I need to have a biopsy on my left breast. I did not want to do it. I don't want go down that road again all alone. Instead, I fixed all my papers and passport and I am going home. I fulfilled my obligation as a good wife and a good mother to my children with clear concience and lots of sacrifices for the love I have to my children.  The point i'm trying to send out to you is, you have 2 young children who does not understand betrayal at this point. All that they know is their father is very ill and may lose his life at some point. If you turn your back away from him now, they might recent you and destroy your relationship with them thinking you left  their father at the time their father needed you. They're very young to really comprehend what it is you're going thru. I know, it will be very hard to do but do your best and give it a try. You will be sacrificing and feel hurt through out but the benefit will be for the children and yours at the end. just tough it out. It might not be for a long term. You and you're children still have a long and bright life ahead of you. keep it mended.  GOD BLESS YOU AND THE CHILDREN.                   buang

Ginny,

I know that we cannot afford to take care of him 24/7 even if I could emotionally.  I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you.  How is your husband doing and what do the doctors say?  Since his affair I've asked he many times to ask his family for help.  His family isn't very close so I guess instead he joins a new (different religion than we are) church that has provided some help.  Then he goes and gets baptised in this other religion without my knowledge.  I just can't understand.  I figure when it gets bad I will have to ask his family to assist.  I know this sounds terrible but I think that if he still cares he would go live somewhere else and relieve me from this decision.  He has to see what it is doing to our family.  Thanks again for your caring words.

Karen

 

On 11/18/2007 buang wrote:

Karen, I really feel for you. I myself been betrayed by my husband with his co-worker  15 years ago. I have 3 children with this man. We 've been married for 39 years. all my children are grown now and have their own family. I am a grandmother of 7 good grandchildren. My husband's relationship with the children was in good term I guess. I manage to show my children that my husband and I have a good marriage but the truth of the matter is, it wasn't. It was very hard thing to do but I did it because after I'm long gone they still have that respect for their father. I am a lung cancer survivor for 12 years. I was just informed by the hospital that they discovered a very abnormal calsifications. suggesting higly suspected malignancy and I need to have a biopsy on my left breast. I did not want to do it. I don't want go down that road again all alone. Instead, I fixed all my papers and passport and I am going home. I fulfilled my obligation as a good wife and a good mother to my children with clear concience and lots of sacrifices for the love I have to my children.  The point i'm trying to send out to you is, you have 2 young children who does not understand betrayal at this point. All that they know is their father is very ill and may lose his life at some point. If you turn your back away from him now, they might recent you and destroy your relationship with them thinking you left  their father at the time their father needed you. They're very young to really comprehend what it is you're going thru. I know, it will be very hard to do but do your best and give it a try. You will be sacrificing and feel hurt through out but the benefit will be for the children and yours at the end. just tough it out. It might not be for a long term. You and you're children still have a long and bright life ahead of you. keep it mended.  GOD BLESS YOU AND THE CHILDREN.                   buang

Buang,

I am definitely still going to try to do this keeping him around thing although I often times really can't stand it.  Plus, it has taken a toll on me emotionally and physically.  Honestly, I find myself morbidly counting on his dying sooner than later to help get through this.  I'm so sorry for your recent awful news.  I am glad to hear that you are going home for yourself.  Thanks for your understanding.  God Bless you and your extended family!

Karen

I don't have any sage advice but want you to know that my heart aches for you.  My husband is also dying of pancreatic cancer and I know how hard it is to be a caretaker.  I have gone through all of the emotions from feeling angry toward him to a feeling of panic when I think of life without him.  You need to find a good counselor who can help you with this.  It is too much for you to handle on your own.  I hope knowing that others care will give you some comfort.

JL

 

On 12/3/2007 Jannie wrote:

I don't have any sage advice but want you to know that my heart aches for you.  My husband is also dying of pancreatic cancer and I know how hard it is to be a caretaker.  I have gone through all of the emotions from feeling angry toward him to a feeling of panic when I think of life without him.  You need to find a good counselor who can help you with this.  It is too much for you to handle on your own.  I hope knowing that others care will give you some comfort.

JL

JL,

It does help to know that I am not as alone as I often feel.  I'm considering counseling but haven't managed to move forward yet.  I'm sure it will help but it is also an expense that we can't afford and I don't want to become dependant on.  Both my husband and eldest daughter are getting counseling.  I'm sorry for what you are going through also.  Have you gone for counseling and if so has it helped?

Thanks,  Karen

 

On 11/17/2007 Broken Heart wrote:

Sometimes I just don't know how I can continue with this whole deal.  My husband of 11 years at age 42 was diagnosed with Stage II pancreatic cancer in July 2005.  We have two beautiful daughters now ages 8 and 3.  He had been a stay at home parent for six years at the time of the intial diagnoses and it has been so hard for our eldest daughter as he was her primary caregiver for her entire life.  She was definitely a Daddy's girl.  After six very difficult months of surgery, chemo and radiation treatments we had the gift of nine months where he was doing much better.  We went on a major vacation that summer and enjoyed making some wonderful memories.  Then last October we learned of growths on his liver which was confirmed as the pancreatic cancer in November.  He immediately wanted to have a just becuase party and I therefore had one for him.  Then come December he starts an affair it escalates through this March when I mistakenly find out.  He denies and lies about it but then admits to it but continues to lie.  There are so many details I could go on about for quite some time but the bottom line is I have been devasted by his actions.  Now as he continues to get sicker I find that I often just don't know what to do.  It is all just too much.  If anyone can offer some suport and/or suggestions it would be really appreciated. 

Broken hearted cargiver.

Just wanted to see how your husband and you and family doing?Did he go back to the Dr.? As for my husband,so far o.k. Thanks To God!! Mostly, how are you doing?Keep in touch.I do keep  you

in my prayers that God will be there for you in what ever you need.

                                                Rally53