Husband dying of pancreatic cancer and cheats in the end

On 1/17/2008 rally53 wrote:

 

On 11/17/2007 Broken Heart wrote:

Sometimes I just don't know how I can continue with this whole deal.  My husband of 11 years at age 42 was diagnosed with Stage II pancreatic cancer in July 2005.  We have two beautiful daughters now ages 8 and 3.  He had been a stay at home parent for six years at the time of the intial diagnoses and it has been so hard for our eldest daughter as he was her primary caregiver for her entire life.  She was definitely a Daddy's girl.  After six very difficult months of surgery, chemo and radiation treatments we had the gift of nine months where he was doing much better.  We went on a major vacation that summer and enjoyed making some wonderful memories.  Then last October we learned of growths on his liver which was confirmed as the pancreatic cancer in November.  He immediately wanted to have a just becuase party and I therefore had one for him.  Then come December he starts an affair it escalates through this March when I mistakenly find out.  He denies and lies about it but then admits to it but continues to lie.  There are so many details I could go on about for quite some time but the bottom line is I have been devasted by his actions.  Now as he continues to get sicker I find that I often just don't know what to do.  It is all just too much.  If anyone can offer some suport and/or suggestions it would be really appreciated. 

Broken hearted cargiver.

Just wanted to see how your husband and you and family doing?Did he go back to the Dr.? As for my husband,so far o.k. Thanks To God!! Mostly, how are you doing?Keep in touch.I do keep  you

in my prayers that God will be there for you in what ever you need.

                                                Rally53

Rally,

Thank you so much for your prayers and checkin on us.  Yes, he had another scan recently and had a follow up Dr. appt this week.  The two liver leasions haven't grown but what they had been calling scar tissue from his surgery has started to grow so now they are not sure about what that is.  He is still able to take care of himself so far.  I seem to be doing better overall but definitely have a lot less patience and get angry very easily (usually at least once daily).  Glad that your husband is doing well. 

Karen

On 1/24/2008 alwaysthere wrote:

Does anyone know how common this is? Is it an end of life thing? or a "chemo brian" thing?  I had something similar happen to me recently and I am still just really trying to figure out how to even get my head around it. I was totally surprised to see this topic here, but glad cause I could use some advice.

Alwaysthere,

I've heard of four cases (including yours) in addition to mine now.  Three I've learned about from the internet and one is a friend of my family.  On another site with a forum on this topic out of 65 posts only two are about the ill spouse cheating.  Also, if I assume that from your post it the male in the relationship that cheated that makes it one female and four males that had affairs during their illness.  I know that is not alot of statistics to base solid conculsions on but it supports what I believe. 

I believe just like all infidelity that it is a shelfish thing.  I do not believe that it and end of life thing or drugs - those are just excuses and everyone that has an affair has them.  Might the affair not happened at this time if they weren't ill?  Probably not but I believe that given the right circumstances (even perhaps positive stress factors) at a different time they would have an affair.  I think it is a lack of strong morals, difficult times and opportunity that lead them to make the wrong choice.  Really, they have other so many other choices of things to do to make them feel better or they could have filed for divorce. 

I haven't been able to wrap my head around it.  I do believe that my husband still cares about me (probably even loves me at some level) but not enough to turn to me or professionals for help rather than some other person.  I logically know it is not my fault although it doesn't always feel that way. 

Perhaps your situation is such that you find it possible to accept that it was the drugs.  For instance, I've read that there are many that believe that antidepressants drastically change people.  I can see that the drugs may have influenced him but he still knew right from wrong and should have gotten whatever help he needed to avoid having an affair. He told her several times that they should stop because he didn't want to hurt me. He was totally aware of his actions and able to sneak around and hide it.  Alot of things influence people, drugs and otherwise, we are still responsible for our actions.  Right?

Anway, I'm sorry that you are in similar circumstances and also that I'm still so negative.  I hope that you find some peace and please be sure to take care of yourself.

Karen

On 11/17/2007 Broken Heart wrote:

Sometimes I just don't know how I can continue with this whole deal.  My husband of 11 years at age 42 was diagnosed with Stage II pancreatic cancer in July 2005.  We have two beautiful daughters now ages 8 and 3.  He had been a stay at home parent for six years at the time of the intial diagnoses and it has been so hard for our eldest daughter as he was her primary caregiver for her entire life.  She was definitely a Daddy's girl.  After six very difficult months of surgery, chemo and radiation treatments we had the gift of nine months where he was doing much better.  We went on a major vacation that summer and enjoyed making some wonderful memories.  Then last October we learned of growths on his liver which was confirmed as the pancreatic cancer in November.  He immediately wanted to have a just becuase party and I therefore had one for him.  Then come December he starts an affair it escalates through this March when I mistakenly find out.  He denies and lies about it but then admits to it but continues to lie.  There are so many details I could go on about for quite some time but the bottom line is I have been devasted by his actions.  Now as he continues to get sicker I find that I often just don't know what to do.  It is all just too much.  If anyone can offer some suport and/or suggestions it would be really appreciated. 

Broken hearted cargiver.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I do believe you want to do the best for your children and only you know what that is.

If you feel you can not give him the care that he needs, then you should make a plan  a.s.a.p., i.e seperate apartment ect...

I would tell the other women to feel free to come to his apartment and help him with the care he will need.

You gave your best and did nothing wrong and you have got to feel good about that. I would hope you do something or let it go before the kids realize he is sick again. 

As far as religion goes, he already broke any commitment of wed lock.

I can understand if  he felt he needed to have every exsperience  before he faced the road ahead of him, however that does not make you any less hurt .We can not understand what it is like to face this road. But he had to realize what he would lose and still made the choice. 

Good Luck . I do not think there is a wrong answer, They both Suck.

On 1/24/2008 Broken Heart wrote:

 

On 1/24/2008 alwaysthere wrote:

Does anyone know how common this is? Is it an end of life thing? or a "chemo brian" thing?  I had something similar happen to me recently and I am still just really trying to figure out how to even get my head around it. I was totally surprised to see this topic here, but glad cause I could use some advice.

Alwaysthere,

I've heard of four cases (including yours) in addition to mine now.  Three I've learned about from the internet and one is a friend of my family.  On another site with a forum on this topic out of 65 posts only two are about the ill spouse cheating.  Also, if I assume that from your post it the male in the relationship that cheated that makes it one female and four males that had affairs during their illness.  I know that is not alot of statistics to base solid conculsions on but it supports what I believe. 

I believe just like all infidelity that it is a shelfish thing.  I do not believe that it and end of life thing or drugs - those are just excuses and everyone that has an affair has them.  Might the affair not happened at this time if they weren't ill?  Probably not but I believe that given the right circumstances (even perhaps positive stress factors) at a different time they would have an affair.  I think it is a lack of strong morals, difficult times and opportunity that lead them to make the wrong choice.  Really, they have other so many other choices of things to do to make them feel better or they could have filed for divorce. 

I haven't been able to wrap my head around it.  I do believe that my husband still cares about me (probably even loves me at some level) but not enough to turn to me or professionals for help rather than some other person.  I logically know it is not my fault although it doesn't always feel that way. 

Perhaps your situation is such that you find it possible to accept that it was the drugs.  For instance, I've read that there are many that believe that antidepressants drastically change people.  I can see that the drugs may have influenced him but he still knew right from wrong and should have gotten whatever help he needed to avoid having an affair. He told her several times that they should stop because he didn't want to hurt me. He was totally aware of his actions and able to sneak around and hide it.  Alot of things influence people, drugs and otherwise, we are still responsible for our actions.  Right?

Anway, I'm sorry that you are in similar circumstances and also that I'm still so negative.  I hope that you find some peace and please be sure to take care of yourself.

Karen

I just found this forum and wanted to know how you are doing.  I don't know much about "chemo brain" but I do know that it's real.  My aunt died of breast cancer and a couple of months before she died, she was trying to balance her checkbook and pay some bills and couldn't connect in her brain how to do that.  Her best friend took over for her and while straightening the whole mess out, found that she was 30,000 in debt to some of these payday loan places (that charge 27% interest).  Funny thing is, she and her husband are/were  both pharmacists and made in excess of 150,000 per year.  Absolutely no need for any loans.  Go figure.  Very, VERY out of character for her.  I don't understand it, but strange things do happen.

I do know this:  You are 10 times the woman he ever thought you were for what you are doing.  You will be blessed for your goodness.

Best wishes and may God bless you,

jodi

Jodi,

Thank you for checking on me.  I also believe that chemo brain is real but  from what I read it is about having problems remembering things.  He had no problem remembering to sneak around during his affair.  I firmly believe that he was influenced by many things but still had a choice.  Anyway, nothing much has changed around here.  I still struggle with my living situation.  Thanks for you wishes and I hope things are going alright with whatever brought you here.

Karen

On 8/5/2008 Broken Heart wrote:

Jodi,

Thank you for checking on me.  I also believe that chemo brain is real but  from what I read it is about having problems remembering things.  He had no problem remembering to sneak around during his affair.  I firmly believe that he was influenced by many things but still had a choice.  Anyway, nothing much has changed around here.  I still struggle with my living situation.  Thanks for you wishes and I hope things are going alright with whatever brought you here.

Karen

It's been awhile since we have heard from you.How is your husband? And hopefully you are doing better.Keep in touch.