after a trauma of nearly dying having a massive cyst removed from her ovary my mother was told she has inoperable bowel cancer as well. she has been recieving chemo for about three months now but was taken into hospital to have a load of fluid drained from her abdomin, she was out about three days before she was back in again, she keeps throwing up and can not keep the anti sickness tablets down. they gave her some injection to help but it doesnt seem to be working. they think the cancer might be obstructing some of her organs but the hospital are being quite rubbish and she has been waiting for a scan now for nearly a week. she is staying in hospital because they can give her stronger meds there, however she had a bad reaction to the morphine and is still constantly in pain.
my father is an emotional wreck and i cannot speak to him without crying for hours afterwards, i am at university and my mum has already said to me how much she wants me to keep going with it but it killing me not being around her, im so selfish because i dread every phone call is going to be bad news and it seems that every time i go home its just another inconvenience and strain on the family with picking me up and all that. yesterday i got a call off my sister telling me that i should come home this weekend and im so scared, i feel like every update i get isn't the whole truth and i feel that im constantly in the dark about what is happening. i keep being so selfish and thinking how hard this is for me but then i think of my sisters my, 6 and 8 year old nephew and niece, my brother and my dad who are there for all the day to day stuff. my mother is the centre of all our worlds usually always happy and laughing and now shes just a shadow of the person she was, its like im the only one that can give her some positivity but it never seems to last long.
im so lost and i dont even know what to do anymore.