feeling lost and alone....

 

On 11/27/2007 bullrita wrote:

I do truly understand the pain, my daughters lost there father, on Nov, 17, and it was truly, painful for all of us, We saw a wonderful man, taken away,that I feel  had so much more to do on this earth, My heart is so heavy, he was not only my childrens father, but my ex. husband, who I never stop loving. It happen so fast, and it is hard to think about the holidays,I do think God for him not suffering any more, because this is not the man my girls and I knew. You are not alone, and remember, this is God's plan, and he is the higher power.AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

bullrita, i am so sorry for your loss and for your daughters to. it is so sad that anybody should have to go through this, the patients and the family members. thanks for responding to my post. so kind of you to reach out.

i use "this too shall pass" alot. it helps pull me through the hard days. and i know that plenty are ahead of me. god will do his will when it is time. and i will be there by my fathers side every step of the way. i pray for a miracle....many have happened with cancer patients. we are in this fight full force and have much hope. thanks again for helping me pull through a really rough day. my prayers are with you and your daughters. take care, kris

 

Kris, I am so sorry that your heart is heavy with sorrow for your father. I want to let you know that you are not alone as my heart is heavy with sorrow for my dear dad as well. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a few months back after surviving both Prostate and Multiple Myeloma. It has been a long journey and the worst, but I think what gets me through each day are the little moments i share with my father, whether they are sad or happy. Just think about how much more you open up to one another and express your love to each other every day. Your being there to help him cope with this illness expresses to him what a wonderful, strong, passionate and loving woman he has raised. Dont watch him 'fade'....learn to understand who he is and the strength he must have to be with you this very day....he is strong. He will not go down without a fight. Fight for him and let yourself cry when you need to...this will only allow you to be strong when you need be. Take care of yourself. I am thinking about you and praying for you father. God Bless

Kelly

 

On 12/8/2007 lippygirl wrote:

 

On 11/22/2007 Keep Smiling... wrote:

Hello Kris.  I have read your thoughts and understand what you are feeling.  I have been there too.  I do realize we are all different and people all handle their feelings in their own unique way but, here is what I wanted to share with you.

When my mother and I knew our time was coming to an end "together" we kept our minds and emotions "in today".  At times we would have to think ahead but, it was more for the business end of things.  When our hearts would start to think of the future we would remind eachother to remain "in today".  I know it is not much but, it is what we had to do.  It was the only way for us to cope and have each day together the best as it could be, considering the circumstances.

My heart goes out to you and your family and I hope you find "your way to cope".

Sincerely,

Keep Smiling... 

keep smiling, as i have had to write far more often than i would like...i am sorry that this message to you has taken so long to write. and, i am sorry that you too have had to endure this cancer journey. it is a monster...one that needs to be stoppped.

thanks so much for your kindness. it was so appreciated. when i am with my dad...it is all smiles and "in the moment" it is when i leave and head home....just next door, as 2 yrs ago we bought a side by side duplex, that i feel sad.

when we started this journey in july i took a leave of absence from work as soon as the words "it's cancer" came out of the dr's mouth. i work in the hospital (only 5 shifts a month) and i went to my supervisor and told her i needed to take a leave until we got this all figured out. we thought it was just in the stomach at that point and he would have surgery and it would be all gone. how simply were we thinking back then??!!

i take him to all his appt's and spend many hours with him and my mom every day. i am the youngest of 6. but we live 2+ hours away from 3 of my siblings and the other 2 live a plane ride away. nobody has been here to help much since the surgery on august 1st. so i have had to endure much of this alone. my hubby has been great. he is very close to my father and doesn't mind that i spend as much time w/ him as i can. but we have a 4yr old daughter w/ low functioning autism that can't speak, self feed or eat anything that isn't pureed. so time is tight with all her therapy/dr's appt's too. and feeling overwhelmed can happen quickly.

so...by the time thanksgiving rolled around, i was at witts end. but after reading yours and so many others comments....i came back to my old self and have forged ahead with more strength than i had before.

i took the "live in the moment" comment and have applied it whole heartedly. i heard kris carr say it in her cancer documentary "crazy, sexy cancer". but didn't take the words to heart til i read your response. so, once again, thank you. so nice to have people like you and all the others take the time to help someone out that is going through this too. take care, kris

Hi Kris.  It is me again.  I just saw your reply now and I am so glad to read that you got through your "tough day" and also that your Dad was gaining back some strength in between chemo treatments.  How is he doing now?

How are you coping?   I am asking you too as I seem to have a lot in common with you.  I was my mom's only child and we were extremely close.  My parent's divorced when I was young and my mom raised me on her own and never remarried.   I was my mother's main caregiver and I have a  husband and two children ages 3 and 5.  My husband like yours not only worked his job but, took care of the kids and our house while I spent all my time helping my mom.   I will be honest that I did wonder how long I could endure this constant stress, worry about not only my mother but, my own family too.  I would continue to do it now if I could but, I also know that it was the hardest thing to do.  I should mention that I did have some help.  My mom's sister was there alot for us.  She is who allowed me to have time for my family at all.

I remember having this strength that just kept me going.  You must have that too.  Hang in there and I hope that all your dedication is rewarded.

 

 

Wow is all I can say. Im crying happy sad scared and angry tears as I read this. The fact that so many people can feel the same way is amazing. My popa was diagnosed with stage 3 stomach cancer in aug. 07. In oct. they removed 70% of the stomach, unfortunately the epidural did not work and he had a stroke. He had to be in a rehab for my 19th b-day as well as thanksgiving. They did give him a day pass for thanksgiving though, and I made a 13lb turkey and potatoes for just me and him!!!! He has a j-tube hook up for 12 hrs and can eat very little now due to chemo. Im 19 I work 40+ hrs and Im a college student and the ONLY caregiver for my grandfather. My boyfriend is great and we can realte beacuase his grandfather is also very ill with lung cancer. He is much worse now. My grandfather has always been my hero and he has always been my savior. In my short life Ive been through so much and have had my own mess ups. My grandfather saved me from myself and helped me become a strong mature young woman. He has always been my popa my person I loved more than anyone else in this world. Words cannot express what he means to me I would trade positions with him in less than a second I would give him my stomach if it was possible. When he was diagnosed I was in the room with him and I had a weird feeling the day before that it would be cancer. My heart fell out of my body it felt like as if somone ripped it out. It is only me and my popa living together and it feels as if someone ripped my soul out and has not given it back. It is so hard taking care of him emotionally cause I see and can only imagine what he feels I can se the pain in his eyes. I know he is so scared and Im horrified at what is down the road. I can say he has become a much nicer and caring open man since this and we have been able to connect like never before we can laugh and watch tv and football games all day in our PJ's together and not care about anything else. I definately treasure these days with him and make every second count. I wish I could kill cancer because I feel as if it is robbing me of my popa. He was always strong very independent and hilarious and now he has to depend on me for things and I know it kills him to do so. I will continue to help him kill this cancer and kick it its a hard fight but I am determined not to loose my popa to something so horrendous.

That felt so much better getting that out all of your posts have helped me feel better. There is just those depressing days when you just gotta cry because you feel alone and scared. So just reading this disscussion has helped me feel much better. My hopes an dprayers are with you all

I have just read your reply 3 months too late but, had to write anyways.  You should be so proud of yourself!  I know your Papa is.

I hope this finds you with some progress in your grandfather's condition.  I hope you are holding up ok as i know this is a very tough battle for all who are affected.

Continue to be strong and know you are not alone.  You are one amazing grandchild of what you describe as one amazing grandpa ((HUGS)) 

Thank you for responding. Popa has gone through 5weeks of continuos radiation and at home chemo. It has taken a toll on him but he is a fighter. Monday we will know if the cancer has returned. If it has we have decided we will not continue with anymore treatments and we will take whatever time we have left. I hate saying that it makes me cry. I hope its not back. I had to see a therapist and Im on anti-depressants now because of my worsening depression. I hope to feel better soon. I finished my 2nd semester in school and I will be taking the summer off. I got a B and a C. It was obvious looking at my grades how much they have declined over this time. Hopefully I can get myself together and hopefully the cancer does not come back. God Bless