My Mom Died 12/21/07

I have posted several times before.  She lost her battle at 1:45 pm on 12/21.  She was dx 4/24/07 had an unsuccessful whipple 5/7/07 hospitalized 55 days on and off due to many complications from surgery.  She did not qualify for chemo due to have 2 drains in her.  The weekend after thanksgiving she said she has had enough and did not eat.  She dwindled away to 70lbs.  Hospice was involved and absolutely wonderful.  They had a hard time getting her pain under control these last 2 weeks.  Her tumor was sitting on a sac of nerves and the meds could not get past the tumor to get to the nerves.  She sufferred terrible.  They finally put her on a dulated drip with a cocktail of other meds to help her.  The surgeon said she would live 6-8 months--he was pretty accurate as 8 months would have been 12/24.  She did not eat for 21 days, only drank water when she took her pills.  We respected her wishes as this has been a rough road for her.  She was living with my and my husband and kids age 5 and 2.  My brother lived with me for 2 days to be with her. We were glad that she could be at my house --that was important to us and her.  Hospice provided around the clock nursing care the last week. 

 Yesterday morning i was so tired as i had about 5 hrs sleep since weds.  I told my brother why cant she just die already.  And when she did die, i felt horrible.  It was hard to see her suffer and it rings in my ears --help me help me kelly.  I stayed with her and held her hand to the end and then just sat with her for 45 minutes after.  She looked so much better after she passed.  She did look peaceful.  I called her My Queen, My Queen, what my Queen wants my queen gets!!  As I waited on her hand and foot.  I am ok until i am not doing anything, and i just lose it.  Her services are on Sunday as we wanted to do this before the holiday as there are 4 grandchildren ages 7, 5, 4, and 2.  Her hospital bed was in my bedroom--due to the closeness to the bathroom and so i could hear and be with her.  They picked up the bed today.  My room feels so cold.  I just keep picturing her laying dead in that bed. 

Today i had to go grocery shopping, as i am having christmas eve at my house--our family tradition, i had to go to the bank, the whole time just walking around thinking what the hell am i doing.  Came home drop the kids off at my inlaws went to walmart came home and wrapped gifts, i was fine until i was by myself or stopped moving.  Tomorrow is going to be very difficult day, as i really miss my queen.  I think that its easier right now as everyone is calling and stopping by.  Then it will be christmas --but after that I am left with emptiness.  I have wonderful memories.

I have never felt so empty as i did yesterday when she passed.  We knew it was coming and were actually praying for her to go as she was suffering.  i just keep crying --I dont have a mom anymore.  My mom was only 63.  I am 36 and my brother is 39.  We are glad she is not suffering anymore.  Her death was bitter/sweet.  We lost her/but she is not sufferig anymore. 

The worst part is that she is going to miss the grandkids growing up.  I will miss her smile, her sense of humor, and everything we do together, as my queen is my best friend. 

 

 

I am so sorry.  I know how you feel as I have been there.  The next year is going to be ruff when special days come (i.e birthday's, anniversaries, holidays).  I know what you mean when you say that you are glad that she is no longer suffering, but unfortunately that does not always help with the pain of the loss.  This will be our second Christmas since my mom passed and it still is hard.  But my thoughts are filled with the good times we shared.

They are in a better place free of pain and suffering.  Take some comfort in that and know that she just wants you to be happy.

My deepest sympathy goes to you and your family during this difficult time.

Good Speed! 

 

Oh I am so sorry Kelly.  I am 32 and my mother is 50.  I have 3 young children whom call her "MeMe".  My mom was just diagnosed as having Stage 4 pancreatic cancer and my world has been shattered.

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am so frightened about the journey that we have begun but I am going to stay strong and be there for her every step of the way.  Sounds like you were there for your mother through everything and now she has some peace and surely is very proud of you.  Take care~

((((((Kelly)))))))),

I'm so sorry for your lose.  May you find some comfort in knowing that your mom is no longer suffering and that you did everything humanly possible for her.

Take care of yourself!

Diane

Dear Kelly

  I am so sorry for you. I too have a Mother who has just been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer she is scheduled to have Whipple procedure.I am trying to get more information on the surgery Whould you mind telling where your Mom had her surgery? You sound like a very strong and special; daughter she is lucky to have you and your brother.Merry Christmas your Mom is smiling down at you I am sure of it

Sharon

 

On 12/23/2007 Stephkristi wrote:

Dear Kelly

  I am so sorry for you. I too have a Mother who has just been diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer she is scheduled to have Whipple procedure.I am trying to get more information on the surgery Whould you mind telling where your Mom had her surgery? You sound like a very strong and special; daughter she is lucky to have you and your brother.Merry Christmas your Mom is smiling down at you I am sure of it

Sharon

Dear Kelly,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It sounds like your mother and entire family have suffered terribly.  I wept as I read your post.  My mother is also my "Queen".  We have done everything together for the last 15 years.  She was diagnosed with Stage 3 inoperable Thymoma last Christmas.  She had chemo last winter and major open-chest surgery this summer to remove the cancer and other affected structures in the chest.  She has since had heart failure due to the Chemo and, as a result, cannot have radiation.  For now, she is cancer-free, but she has suffered tremendously.  My father is an Angel and has been her main caretaker.  We are happy and thankful to still be together this Christmas, and, God willing her cancer will never return.  Again, I am so sorry to hear how your mother and family have had to suffer.  I truely believe people who suffer such hell on earth go straight to heaven. May she be celebrating Christmas with the Angels this year and smiling down upon you and your family. God bless you all and may you find peace and comfort.

Michelle 

 

We lived in the cleveland area--she had surgery at university hospital with dr Shulak.  He was the number one surgeon in the area--he is head of the transplant dept. he tried for about 5 hrs.  The tumor was too big and he could not take it out.  She had many complications from an infected wound, pnuemonia a couple of times, a couple of abscesses, a fistula.  She had to wear drainage bags and a fistula bag for 4 months.  Her wound had to be cared for 4-5 times a days as it had dead tissue called necrosis in it.  It was not easy cleaning it and changing the pads.  as i have a very weak stomach.  but you do what you have to do.  She had another surgery after that as the absess had dead tissue in it and he also cleaned out her wound.  She as hospitalized starting may 7 and spent about 55 days in the hospital from may until septemeber.  We did take her for a second opinion at the cleveland clinic--they concurred with our dr.  If we would have know then what we know now we would never of had the surgery as she had 4-5 months of hell.  and the end result was that she died 8 months after diagnosis.   There are not many people who beat this awful disease. Is the whipple is successful than the stats we got were she would have about 2 yrs as this cancer is very aggressive.  She never qualified for chemo as she had drains in her and the oncologist at uh and cleveland clinic agreed this would extend her live by maybe 3 months---but it would be a quality issue.  You are in this for the long haul.  I hope the whipple is successful for her as she is youmg and that is a good sign..  I remember they day my mom was diagnosed --i ever felt so empty in my entire life.  Well i just got back from the funeral home and I am numbl.  If you need anything respond to my note as they will not allow me to put my email in this.  I wish you and your mom success on the whipple. God Bless.  Most importaint thing about cancer is most people dye of malnutrition.  You need to encourage her to eat food high in fat, and protien.  my mom liked the carnation instant breakfast and cream of potatoe soup.  She will go through an extreme depression ---that is when you need to plan trip and take her to do something she loves to keep her spirits up

I can completely understand what you are feeling. I lost my dad on May 1st to Colon cancer, that had spread everywhere. Its so hard. I slept on the floor next to dads hospital bed here in the living room, for 6 months and ended up being the one holding his hand, the very moment he passed away. 10 days after he passed away, I found out I had cancer as well. A very aggressive, non hormonally involved, triple negative stage 4 breast cancer that has spread. 7 lymph nodes of all 25 that had to be removed, were still positve, and non-responsive to chemo. The hell from dads battle had not even began to settle for my small family, when mine began. The only thing that gets me thru this, is that my dad is no longer suffering, and that when my own time comes, and I can no longer fight, that I will not have to go thru all that he did. Hes in a better place, as well as your mom. Take pride and peace in all that you did for your mom, and keeping her at home with you. Not everyone can or will do that. Its a very hard place to be in, and carry no  guilt for your wishes fo her to be able to die. It is the exact same thing she was thinking, my dad asked me many times to help him die, to end his suffering. Its ok, you did eveything you could, with all the love and compassion you had within ***hugs**

 

On 12/22/2007 Kellypicco wrote:

I have posted several times before.  She lost her battle at 1:45 pm on 12/21.  She was dx 4/24/07 had an unsuccessful whipple 5/7/07 hospitalized 55 days on and off due to many complications from surgery.  She did not qualify for chemo due to have 2 drains in her.  The weekend after thanksgiving she said she has had enough and did not eat.  She dwindled away to 70lbs.  Hospice was involved and absolutely wonderful.  They had a hard time getting her pain under control these last 2 weeks.  Her tumor was sitting on a sac of nerves and the meds could not get past the tumor to get to the nerves.  She sufferred terrible.  They finally put her on a dulated drip with a cocktail of other meds to help her.  The surgeon said she would live 6-8 months--he was pretty accurate as 8 months would have been 12/24.  She did not eat for 21 days, only drank water when she took her pills.  We respected her wishes as this has been a rough road for her.  She was living with my and my husband and kids age 5 and 2.  My brother lived with me for 2 days to be with her. We were glad that she could be at my house --that was important to us and her.  Hospice provided around the clock nursing care the last week. 

 Yesterday morning i was so tired as i had about 5 hrs sleep since weds.  I told my brother why cant she just die already.  And when she did die, i felt horrible.  It was hard to see her suffer and it rings in my ears --help me help me kelly.  I stayed with her and held her hand to the end and then just sat with her for 45 minutes after.  She looked so much better after she passed.  She did look peaceful.  I called her My Queen, My Queen, what my Queen wants my queen gets!!  As I waited on her hand and foot.  I am ok until i am not doing anything, and i just lose it.  Her services are on Sunday as we wanted to do this before the holiday as there are 4 grandchildren ages 7, 5, 4, and 2.  Her hospital bed was in my bedroom--due to the closeness to the bathroom and so i could hear and be with her.  They picked up the bed today.  My room feels so cold.  I just keep picturing her laying dead in that bed. 

Today i had to go grocery shopping, as i am having christmas eve at my house--our family tradition, i had to go to the bank, the whole time just walking around thinking what the hell am i doing.  Came home drop the kids off at my inlaws went to walmart came home and wrapped gifts, i was fine until i was by myself or stopped moving.  Tomorrow is going to be very difficult day, as i really miss my queen.  I think that its easier right now as everyone is calling and stopping by.  Then it will be christmas --but after that I am left with emptiness.  I have wonderful memories.

I have never felt so empty as i did yesterday when she passed.  We knew it was coming and were actually praying for her to go as she was suffering.  i just keep crying --I dont have a mom anymore.  My mom was only 63.  I am 36 and my brother is 39.  We are glad she is not suffering anymore.  Her death was bitter/sweet.  We lost her/but she is not sufferig anymore. 

The worst part is that she is going to miss the grandkids growing up.  I will miss her smile, her sense of humor, and everything we do together, as my queen is my best friend. 

 

 

Kelly,

I am sorry for the passing of your mother. I too just lost someone dear to me, on the 7th of December my husband passed away from PC. My husband was 43 years old. He was a 6'4" 300 lb guy, it came as such a shock to us that he could even be ill, but 6 weeks prior, October 28th he was diagnosed and along the bumpy course we began.

Like your mom, my husband was under hospice at home. The team we had was amazing, they came by when we needed them, called back to answer questions, just very accomodating.

 I wanted to respond mostly to your comments of loosing it when your not doing anything, I find myself doing the same. I will suddenly have a memory, or pick up something that was his, or see his smiling face looking back at me from a picture of him...it paralyzes me...the sadness I feel, sometimes I just cannot accomplish anything. Yet, I know I have to go on, it is what my husband would want, in the six weeks we had, he told me "you have to go on".

 So, Kelly, let us be there for one another, as well as others out there suffering, we need to take each minute, each hour, each day and keep going forward... for them...

Dear Kelly.

My mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer December 21/07. I don't think I have ever felt as empty as I did that day, and have since. Christmas seems a blur to me, although I have two young children and had to 'carry on' and do the Christmas traditions. Especially for my mum's sake.

 My heart goes out to you Kelly, I pray that you receive the blessing of peace in your heart that your mom suffers no more.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Nadine