On 1/5/2008 TinaD wrote:
I am 33 and I lay my momma to rest on the 21 of dec. I know that I was told to reassure momma that me and the kids would be fine that we would miss her so much but not to worry about us that she made us strong and could somehow get through this knowing she would be with us in spirit. I told her just that and 3 days later she was gone. Now very selfishly I wish I had told her to stay with me that I am certainly not fine and everything is a mess, I have horible nightmares and wake everynight crying out for her. I know you will ever feel pain like this pain. You think you will be glad she is out of pain, but there will be a load of emotions that will hit you, you make sure you leave nothing unsaid to her. My aunt had mom at her house the last 4 weeks of her life and everyday I was there, but my aunt would never leave the room and some times I wanted to clear the air about things from my childhood, I know momma couldnt change things, I just wished I could have had 30 minutes to let her know I forgave her for her wrongdoings and mistakes as a parent but no one is perfect. I just didnt' have the chance to express how much her friendship and love meant to me and my kids. now i never will. God bless you and your momma. Tina
Hi Tina: I lost my beloved son, Robbie, aged 35 to this beast on October 7, 2007. I never thought that I could tell him to go but when I saw him the evening of October 6, and I could tell that he was suffering I went over to him and said "Robbie, this should be me and not you. I love you more than life itself and I would give anything in this world to make you better. I do not want to lose you but it breaks my heart in two to watch you suffer. We will look after Maria and the girls (he has 2 little girls 9 and 5), if Jesus comes, take his hand and go. My son awoke the next morning and had a wonderful time with his wife and daughters. He laughed, played hugged and kissed them and then went to his bed for a nap. I knew in my heart the moment he passed away. I called his home and insisted that Maria check on him for me. She told me that she had just come upstairs 10 minutes before and he was sleeping peacefully. I begged her to check on him and when she went to their room, he had slipped peacefully away. I know how you feel because I, too, told my loved one to go. I too wake up every morning praying that the last 2 years were nothing more than a nightmare and then realize the stark reality of my life. My son hugged and kissed me after our last talk and told me how much he loved me and I told him how much I loved him. I cannot tell you how painful it is for me to have told my son to go. I know that everyone says that people need to have permission to leave us. I am still in deep shock and grief over my son's death. I cannot believe that I have lost him and more than anything I want him back - and yet I don't want him to suffer. It is a strange world we live in. I prayed for 18 months for God to save him and then in the end I prayed that God would take him home peacefully so that he did not have to suffer. We have to be very gentle with ourselves. We cannot feel guilty because we gave our loved one permission to go. Grief is very real and we need to try to look after ourselves. The grief counsellor that I have been seeing has told me that someday I will feel honoured that I had the privilege of giving my child permission to go - someday but I don't think it will be anytime soon. Each and everyone of us grieves differently. I am unable to concentrate and so I am not able to return to my job as a legal assistant. I am helping my daughter-in-law and my granddaughters to get through this terrible time and I take time for myself. Grief is very exhausting. You will find that people are always ready to offer advice on when you should "be over this". Please do not let them lessen how you feel and push things down inside. Grieve the way you feel is best for you. Change the way you do holidays if it helps. Do anything and everything to help you get yourself through this difficult time. I understand that it takes 1 year before we actually believe our loved one is gone, and in year 2 we attempt to do the things that our loved one did and then in year 3 we begin to live again. I also understand that our grief will never end. We will always grieve for our loved ones - you for your mama and me for my son.
Be very gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel however you want to get through this. God Bless you and yours and even though, like me, I know that you do not want to hear this but we both know that Robbie and your Mama are in a better place and are at peace.
Love Lynn