Thank you so much for your kind letters, You will never know just how helpful your letters are. I do really feel so fortunate to have such a wonderful friend and to be able to be here for her at such a trying time, She is such a strong person and I like to think I am too but even strong people need comforting and you are truly a help to me. I am so lucky to have my husband be here with me through out all of this. He has been my rock. We are leaning on each other right now, We seem to take turns falling apart and picking each other up but that keeps us strong to be there and suportive for our very dear friend. Some days I just can't quit crying , when I think of our life with out her in it I fall to pieces, so I really try hard not to think like that, not sure if that is unrealistic but it helps me to cope. It was so awkward when she first came to tell us the news, we have been such close friends for over 14 years and after that day I remember not knowing what or how to talk to her. It was so awful, I finally just came right out and asked her to please let me know how she wanted me to be , I told her I didn't want to act casual and have her think I didn't care but at the same time I didn't want to dwell on it and depress her, she wrapped her arms around me and gave me one of the biggest hugs and told me she knew excatly how much I cared about her, and from then on the ice was broke and I just follow her lead, if she wants to talk about it , we talk, and if she wants to talk about anything but , that's what we do. We have been alot more open about saying "I love You" she sends me beautiful emails and tells me how much it means to her to have me around and how I am making bad days better, It makes me so happy that we can do that but you know at the same time it is so frightening because it is such an eye opener as to what is really happening. We only live a block away from each other and have been on each others door steps every weekend since we met years ago. Now with this dreadful cancer she is to tired and weak for that, so when she is up to a visit (about once a week) I go to her and the rest of the time she sends me emails at what ever time she happens to be awake to tells me how her day has been and confides in me , our emails are getting very emotional. Her husband says she doesn't want to talk about the "what if" and he is going through his own difficult time dealing with that, I spoke with him and tried to make him understand that at this time she needs to speak as if there is still a tomorrow to plan for. I guess the hardest part for her family is they don't know how long they have and her husband feels the need to "plan" for the what if and with no talk of it he doesn't know what to do. He is feeling helpless. I have talked to him and tried to make him understand that in her own way she knows what is happening, she asked for diamond earings for Christmas and told me she needed something special to "have" for her daughter, he thinks she is in denial but I don't think it's denial I think it's a coping mechanisim. He did not know the reason for the ear rings until I told him. I think it is easier for her to tell me in her own way what she would like and I can then let him know. She has always been the strenght of her family and I believe it is to difficult for her to talk to them about "plans" so she continues to spend her energy on still being the "mom" and running the family as normal as she possibly can. When I got her husband alone and talked to him I think it really helped him to understand just what a strong women she truly is and how she is determined to be as normal as she can for them. I have no idea how she does it, with an epidural in her back and an IV of I'm not sure what running through her veins, they have somthing stronger then morphine running through her it is under lock and key on an IV pole , and she is sitting up in bed talking with her family and keeping the conversation as normal as possible. She talks about school, work, the house , everyday normal things and the only conversation about her health is "what has to be done treatment wise" she never complains and says she is fine. She has even made a game out of letting her kids take turns pushing the button on her IV drip, she ask's them a trivia question and who ever gets it right (her son ,21 or her daughter 19) they get to push the button. Her unbelievable need to be strong is giving us all the strenght to keep things as normal as possible for her. I want to thank all of you for letting me tell my story on here it really helps to "let it all out" and have such wonderful caring messages from people who understand. God Bless all of you.