Taking Yourself Out Of The Equation

My name is Vinnie B. My father died of Metastatic Renal Cell Carcinoma over two years ago. He was 59 and lived for only 6 months after diagnosis. He was a strong Man of God and he trusted God's will be done.

I wanted to share something with those of us who are caregivers. It is not easy giving of your time and heart in a situation like this. The role of the caregiver isn't over just because the person is healed or passes away. My father's greatest fear was not dying, but he said that my mother did not know how to live without him. So, while I took care of him during his terminal illness, I am now taking care of my mother. She, at one time, was a very strong woman. She is now just a person that exists. She goes to work and church. She doesn't smile a lot and often refers to herself as a "zero."

The hardest thing for me was taking myself out of the equation. I had to make sure that I wasn't trying to carry out my wishes, but the wishes of my father.

I remember once going with him to an oncology appointment. At the appointment, we ended up signing DNR (do not resuscitate) papers. So, if something were to happen to my dad in the home or anywhere else, that document let EMS know not to do CPR or any life-sustaining actions. He just wanted to be able to die, if it came to that. He signed the papers and asked me to witness it. At first, I wanted to tell him to fight. But, I realized that how and when he passed, was not my choice to make. I had to allow him to have that choice. So, I took myself out of the equation and let it be all about him.

When he passed at home, I was glad for that document because he feared having people doing chest compressions on him and ending up in a hospital hooked up to a ventilator with other tubes, etc. My dad passed just the way he wanted to.

So, to the other caregivers, I ask that you find it in your heart to "take yourself out of the equation." It will not be easy, but it will help the person who it most affects.

I take comfort in knowing that I did what my dad wanted. I recall he asked me to go and view caskets. He did not want us to have that chore after he passed because he thought it would only add more stress. So, taking myself out of the equation, I did that. I found one and made all the necessary arrangements. After he passed, that was one less thing we had to do and it also gave dad a sense of control in asking me to do that. He wanted his wished followed to a "T." That's what I made sure happened.

Dad was ill, but still able to make decisions about his care and his final arrangements.

It's not easy, but it can be done. That's probably the best thing we can do for those that we are caring for....just allow their wishes to come to fruition.

Sincerely,


Vinnie B.

Vinnie B.

I'm writing to you because my husband of 39 years died on April 9, 2005 also of Metastatic Renal Cell Carcinoma. He was 58 years old. He survived 18 months after his diagnosis.

It is a very devastating cancer that there is very little information on. I have read some of your emails from a while back and I agree with you. So many other cancers are talked about all of the time, but Renal Cell is hardly known about.

I was his caregiver, along with my son, but like your Mom and you, my husband asked him to care for me after he was gone, too. I am perfectly healthy but am not all that happy about that because I really don't want to go on without my husband. We were extremely close. He was my very best friend and we always wanted to spend all of our time together, and did, except for when we went to work. I know how your Mom feels. I too, was a very strong woman, but now I don't care about going on. We don't mean to hurt our children by feeling this way, but it is so much more difficult than people can imagine, losing a spouse. Especially at such a young age. So many hopes and dreams, never to be realized.

My husband's passing was also very difficult because he was such a fighter. He was determined to beat this cancer and when I sometimes thought he was getting tired from all of his treatments he continued to say "I just want to live". He was hospitalized the last week because of very low blood pressure and blood clots in his lungs, but mentally he was absolutely fine. It was so hard to watch him lie there just waiting to die for an entire week.

The loss is more painful than I ever could have imagined, but I find some comfort in writing to someone who as been through, what it sounds like, to be a very similar situation, with the same kind of cancer.

Thank you,
Darlene

Darlene,

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. The coincidence is that my parents were too, married for 39 years, but dad was 59 and only lived for 6 months.

I know that you are suffering a loss far worse than any of us can imagine. I also know that if you choose to, you will get through this. I imagine that your life with your husband was amazing and wonderful. Darlene, my dad told me that he would be in my background. Trust in that your husband is with you in spirit. That takes some getting used to because we are humans and need that form of "being with you." In other words, we want to be able to see our loved ones, touch them, and talk to them. But, I have found that what my dad said was so true.

I yearned for him so much the first two weeks that he came to let me know that he was alright. Many don't believe in that, but I do now. I was reading a book about 11pm one night, sitting in my living room. I got this strange feeling and it frightened me. I looked around the room and in what was shorter than a split second, I saw dad sitting on the other chair just watching me. At first, I wanted to run but I remember what he said. I acknowledged him and I could sense he was still there and I sensed when he wasn't. I say that to say that he was there with me! It made my life so much easier for a moment. It gave me a sense of "he's alright after all." That's what I needed more than anything.

I want to tell you that its okay to cry. Please don't try to contain your grief. Let it out and give it healthy expression. It will help you, believe it or not. Remember him and what he stood for. Remember laughter, joy, and your life together. I often tell my mother that there was more to dad than the renal cell carcinoma. He lived a wonderful life prior to that diagnosis! I refuse to only rememeber him in his illness. He was a great man, husband, and father.

So, remember the great things about your husband and know that you are not alone. He is with you and God will wrap His arms around you and help you stand, until you can stand on your own.

Please feel free to get in touch anytime.
You're in my prayers.

Vinnie

Just found out that my father has renal cancer.
He looks fine and does not feel bad.
the doctors say he is terminal.
they are still doing test.
I am really worried, he is 77 years old.

Bigdog,

I am very sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis. I have been where you are and the pain is overwhelming.

There are some people that have lived longer than others with the same diagnosis and stage. My dad's oncologist had a patient with the same diagosis that lived for three years. Unfortunately, my dad only lived for 6 months. But, we did spend tons of time together and said all that we wanted to say and more importantly, we laughed all we could in the time we had.

Remember to laugh for every time that you may want to cry. Try to be strong.

In my prayers,
Vinnie B.

Dear Vinnie
My name is Bob.
The doctors tell me that my father will not live much longer. Less than 6 months.
How bad will he get and how do I help him?
He wants to live with me and die in my home.
Thak you!
God Bless You

Thanks Vinnie,
Do you have the time to talk?
I want to prepare my self for want is yet to come. I hope this will not be painful for you.
Lots of questions.
How much weight will he lose? He is a big man.
How much pain will he be in?
PLEASE HELP prepare for the LAST DAYS.
BLESS YOU

Vinnie B.
Hospice is now at my home.
I think it is getting close to the end for my Father.
He told me to leave him alone.
He just wants to sleep.
Maybe I try to help too much?
I hope he will make it till Christmas.
Thanks BigDog

Big Dog,

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to your touching message. I pray that you still have your father.

You can't help "too" much. You can love him, hold him, and touch him. Just be there with him and that will make it easier for him. For my dad, he just wanted to be home and for him that made passing so much easier to bear.

Just be with him. I am so praying for you and your family.

God bless.

Vinnie

Bob,

You are free to email me at your convenience at --- Message edited by CancerCompass staff: for personal protection, email address removed. Please review CancerCompass Member Guidelines at http://www.cancercompass.com/common/guidelines.html ---. I would like to talk to you and maybe we can talk some more.

Vinnie