Scared That The Beast Will Come Back

Hi,

I am a 1 year 2.5 Month survivor of stage 3 esophageal cancer - I still am petrified that the beast will come back.  Is this normal.  I had chemo followed by Ivor Louis (op was in February).  Is it OK to be this scared.  I am only 33,

Aoife

I think it is normal to be scared, but at the same time you must somehow remain positive. Studies show that postive thoughts, people, and surroundings heals oneself. Im in the same boat as you but its been 15 years since my first scare. Im off to my doctor in the morning to see if I have a reoccured mass on my pancreas. The CT report says questionable so I need more testing to confirm it.

Just live a healthy lifestyle and stay positive if you can. Dont let your mind control the thought of the beast returning. Think it away.....

On 1/16/2008 tikibacardi wrote:

I think it is normal to be scared, but at the same time you must somehow remain positive. Studies show that postive thoughts, people, and surroundings heals oneself. Im in the same boat as you but its been 15 years since my first scare. Im off to my doctor in the morning to see if I have a reoccured mass on my pancreas. The CT report says questionable so I need more testing to confirm it.

Just live a healthy lifestyle and stay positive if you can. Dont let your mind control the thought of the beast returning. Think it away.....

What I would add, though it is implied in "live a healthy lifestyle", is MOVE.   Exercise.   Do something aerobic.

I had the Ivor-Lewis 2 1/2 years ago and the thing that does me the most good is cycling. Helps your circulation, breathing, and your outlook!

Good Luck,

Steve

Hello,

         I am afraid of my mothers cancer returning also. Everytime she has a CT or endoscopy it scares me to death until I get the results and it shows no cancer. Anytime my sister and I have something going on healthwise we always worry it is cancer. We have cancer on both sides of our family. I think it is just normal to feel that way. I try to not think about it and live each day and especially enjoy my mother. after seeing her so sick from treatments it is such a blessing to see her back to normal. Try to enjoy your life, you deserve it ! I will pray that you remain cancer free.

                                                              Pat 

Its not only okay to be this scared, its absolutely normal!!!!!!  The doctor told me after my surgery, chemo and radiation that for the remainder of my  life each time I felt a little twinge in my body that I would first think of cancer.  And he was right.  I was given a twenty percent chance of survival, but I am almost four years out from my surgery, and grateful everyday.  I told the doctors when I walked out I was going to be in that twenty percent and I have lived each day believing that statement. My surgical PA told me that 50% of my healing would be between my ears.  I don't know if she was right or not but I certainly have tried to have a positive attitude. I go for my regular check ups and CT scans, my life style has changed, I have acid reflux, I have only gained back 15 of the 32 lbs I lost, But I am so fortunate.  This board can help you stay positive and answer any questions you might have.  Unfortunately, there is a lot of experiences on this board, some good, and some bad.  But I feel that each good experience should be shared, because it gives hope to the the ones that are down emotionally.  And I also feel each bad experience should be shared so that those of us not fighting can lift up the ones that are.  God Bless You and all that love you.  Please continue to post so that we can keep up with you.  

Gerri  

I find it hard as I am remembering what was happening last year (I was on honeymoon in Paris) and was able to eat everything and was able to swim 100 laps (I had just finished my chemo), now I am lucky if I can do 12 laps 3 times a week.  I still get very tired and can only work half days still which is very depressing.  I also have a scan in 3 weeks time.  It feels like my life is just - crawl out of bed, have my tea and ginseng,travel to work, swim, have breakfast (poridge), go to work for the morning, eat, get home, sleep, wake up when hubby gets home for 2 hours then go back to sleep.  I am still on tablets for nausea and they make me tired.  I also remember what it was like to be really ill - I only had an 8% chance of survival but I made it.  I wish that I could eat without having to think but that is not the case.  My hubby says that I am expecting too much too soon but it is really depressing being so tired and I still get back pain and I read of so many people getting relapses after a year and that really scares me.

Thanks for listening,

Aoife

Take deep breaths, think healing thoughts, your medication for nausea might be making you feel so lethargic, talk to your doctor about it.  Everytime I thought about dying I thought about Lance Armstrong wirh Mets to his liver and brain, he recovered and so can we.

God bless you.  My prayers are with you.

Gerri

In the spring of 2005, I went through chemo, radiation and finally a colostomy in June for removal of a rectal cancer tumor.  Since that time, all my follow up tests (CEA markers, colonostomies and CAT scans) have been negative.  So, I am coming up on three years of being cancer free.

But I will always be paranoid about it coming back.  I don't let it cripple me and I am not obsessed with it, but I'll always be wary.  I think you are completely normal.  Everyone in my cancer support group feels the same way.  We have been dealing with a disease that is the King Kong of illnesses and it's only natural we will be apprehensive about having to get back in the ring with him again. 

As another post suggested, stay positive and be strict with yourself about getting follow-up exams.  I think we'll live to see the day when most cancers will be permanently eradicated or at least completely contained and controlled.

Good luck.

Billy H., Charlotte, NC

I'm a 15 yr survivor of leukemia, and now a 1 month survivor of vulvar cancer. 

 Of course the fear is normal, and you need to give your brain time to process everything you've been through and find a new "normal" for you.

I remember that my worst fears intensified AFTER my treatments were finished.  Somehow, no matter how awful chemo & radiation was, at least I felt like I was actively "doing something" and could focus on that.  When you're done with treatments, it feels like you're walking the tightrope without a net.  But it does get easier in time and it's really important to give yourself that time.... it will take a few years and enough "good" scans before your brain will quit raising the alarm everytime you get a pain in your back, or your leg, or are exposed to stupid people with colds...

But as other folks here have pointed out, the choice is yours as to whether or not you're going to let this fear get out of control or paralyze you.  I talked to a counselor who specialized in health issues for about 6 months after I finished treatment and it did help.  Also joining an internet support group is a wonderful way to vent and face your fears among people who DO know what you are feeling.

And whoever posted the comment reminding us that nobody lives forever made another excellent point.  For me, that fear has been positive in that it's pushed me to try things I normally would never have considered - - I learned how to ride a motorcycle the 2nd year after I finished my treatments.

Remember - the point of surviving is not to avoid death because that's impossible.  The point is to take to heart how precious life is and how quickly it can change, and do the best you can each day with what you have.

Anna

i think everyone that has replied to this thread has/had a completely different kind of cancer then what my dad has but the message is still the same and i got a warm fuzzy feeling reading alot of what is written on this page. i think no matter how much you may not like it or how long "the beast" has been gone it is always a part of you. the memory, the feelings, the emotions of the experience (the good the bad and the ugly) will always be there. however that isn't neccessarily bad. you have a choice dwell on the negative and let that guide your life, or you take the negative learn from it turn it into positive and live every moment of you life to the fullest!!! cancer or no cancer everyone should live their life that way. life is far to short and it's a shame that it seems to take some really bad stuff to realize that sometime :)

i hope this all made sense i think i kinda babbled a bit but i kinda got a little lost in my thoughts there!

Be strong, be well, live fully

Renee