Taking Care Of Mom

Just need to find a way to vent. I was on the phone today for 45 minutes trying to make an appointment for my mother-in-law with her cancer doctor. She has Stage 4 lung cancer, refuses treatment but also refuses to go on hospice. She loves to go to doctor appointments, and so we are going again just to find out the same information for the umpteenth time. She is having constant back pain, and we have been to several docs-all of whom have recommended yet another specialist, none of whom have just said "it's the cancer".  She is 78 and just buried Pop in October who also had lung cancer, but he put himself on hospice (what a blessing!)  I am the closest child(in-law) and have the most flexible job so I do all the driving and home care. It is the frustration of me knowing there is nothing really left to do for her, and yet we continue to go to doctor appointments because she is still looking for a magic cure. We live in a large metro area and mom will only see doctors affiliated with a university hospital that is nearly one hour away. Each visit takes about 5 hours out of my day with getting her in and out of the car and huge medical center. She still lives her house but cannot do any of the cleaning-i get to do that also.

 I think I am just tired today, but wonder if anyone had some magic for me?!

You may have to look into a POA (power of attorney) so that you can make legal and health decisions on her behalf.

Quite honestly, anyone who has a loved one with cancer or any other life threatening illness should have a POA in place. I am so glad my mom had one when she was diagnosed since I was then able to access medical tests and records, financial documents and accounts, etc.

Luckily, my mom put her POA in place herself for me. You will have to consult and attorney to get a POA and have mom declared "incompetent"...yes, horrible word, but if she needs care and Hospice should be there for her you may well have to be proactive in order to get her the care she needs.

It's very hard to deal with some of these issues and it's made more difficult by the fact that many patients suffer mental impairment toward the end of their disease process due to either brain mets or toxins form kidney or liver failure.

It is so critical to have that POA before a patient gets to that point or you will be left unable to help them.

 Take care of yourself!

Jen 

On 1/22/2008 verdh70 wrote:

Just need to find a way to vent. I was on the phone today for 45 minutes trying to make an appointment for my mother-in-law with her cancer doctor. She has Stage 4 lung cancer, refuses treatment but also refuses to go on hospice. She loves to go to doctor appointments, and so we are going again just to find out the same information for the umpteenth time. She is having constant back pain, and we have been to several docs-all of whom have recommended yet another specialist, none of whom have just said "it's the cancer".  She is 78 and just buried Pop in October who also had lung cancer, but he put himself on hospice (what a blessing!)  I am the closest child(in-law) and have the most flexible job so I do all the driving and home care. It is the frustration of me knowing there is nothing really left to do for her, and yet we continue to go to doctor appointments because she is still looking for a magic cure. We live in a large metro area and mom will only see doctors affiliated with a university hospital that is nearly one hour away. Each visit takes about 5 hours out of my day with getting her in and out of the car and huge medical center. She still lives her house but cannot do any of the cleaning-i get to do that also.

 I think I am just tired today, but wonder if anyone had some magic for me?!

My mom passed away in December from lung cancer.  I was her caregiver and ended up quitting my job to take care of her.  I can completely understand your frustrations as I had them myself.  Maybe its because her death is still so fresh to me, but I will say that I wish everyday I had been more patient with her.  I was doing the 99.9% of the care myself and the running to chemo & radiation and each trip to radiation took us about 3 hours each day every day for 6 weeks.  It was hard for me because I was trying to work, take care of my 2 kids and see that she got what she needed.  Sometimes I just felt overwhelmed and was nowhere near as patient with her as I should have been.  Everyday I wish I took advantage of those hour long car rides with conversation about us and family and the good ole days.  But I didn't, I was in a hurry and felt like I had to be king of the world and take care of everyone...everyone else will still be here when she is gone....I didn't realize that then, but I sure do now.  If she is at the point where hospice is needed (whether she wants it or not),  your time is short and please make the most of it....I thought I was doing everything right by being responsible and doing the reasonable things, but as they say hind sight is 20/20.  Sometimes the reasonable, logical thing isn't the thing that's going to make her happy in the moment...so do that because once she's gone you do not have the opportunity.  It could be that by going to the doctor she feels like she's being empowered some how, or maybe she just wants to get out for a while!!  Its worth it and you'll feel better about it in the long run....Do, however, make sure you get some time for yourself too.... Good luck, stay strong, you'll have time to rest later!!