Both Parents With Cancer, Dying ! Grief Stricken

I lost my father to carcinoid cancer, 3 years ago this month. My mother was diagnosed just last year with stage IV Primary Periotoneal Cancer and it is very aggressive.

My father had slow growing cancer so from the time he got sick ( and he was sick for over a year before they found the problem), he had 10 years. It was still hard when we lost him but his quality of life diminished considerably and he had pain and discomfort up to a few months before he died. He miraculousy died calm, peaceful and in no pain. Although it was hard, we did have plenty of time to prepare and my father , although an Athlete, had his share of medical problems for years.

My mother was never sick, she was declared in Excellent health, had every diagnostic and preventative test out there and never neglected her medical or dental care. She did not smoke, her nutrition and exercise was commendable as was her weight. Her MOther lived to be 90 and her aunts lived well into their 90s. The doctors were shocked when suddenly without warning, my mother had stomach pain and within in a weeek she was given a Death sentence!! But she is not giving up and fighting and starting her second round of chemo and she will try anything. Unlike my father, she has yet to be in pain or suffer side effects, only some fatigue in the past year since diagnosis. That is what is hard, her cancer was worse than my Dad's was ( until the last 2 months of his life) yet she looks good, her weight and appetite are good. We were told it is so aggressive, this is common and a rare cancer, impossible to detect in early stages.

The biggest thing I am having trouble handling and coping with besides the loss of my father, my hero, mentor, and friend..is the impending loss of my best friend, confidante, my mother.
She is 75 and in HER family, young. Yet her siblings and relatives who smoked, ate unhealthy, were obese lived into their 90s. WAs it sheer dumb luck that they did not fall prey to cancer but had other ailments that were not life threatening? I am feeling just sick at the idea my mother took Excellent care of herself and did everything the way the doctors advised, yet she has this cancer for which there is no hope of a cure.

It seems unfair because she is so active, does volunteer work, is unselfish, cares so much for others..yet her mother was self centered, self involved and cold and yet lived to be 9o.

Anyone else struggle with it all being so hard to comprehend. I have had nearly a year to accept the diagnosis but I got sidetracked by her remission of 6 months which the doctors did not expect. We were thinking she just might make it to 80 after all and that is not bad. But at 75..we doubt she will even have a year. Doctors say they do not know.!! But if pressed, they say she would be lucky to live a year and this was a Year ago.

Cheryl:
I wanted to respond because I don't hear of many people who have this disease. I was diagnosed two years ago (at age 57) and it was of course a shock. Fairness has nothing to do with it. Actually, instead of asking "why me?", I asked "why not me?". While going thru chemo, I talked to many patients who took good care of themselves, "lived right" and got sick anyway. Cancer is hitting about 1 of 10 so the odds for any of us is not fantastic. I lost my mom 6 years ago to ovarian cancer (she was stage 4 by the time she was diagnosed), my brother last year to mysotheleoma (lung cancer), my dad had stomach cancer many years ago. We all had been blessed with good health over our lives. So 4 of 5 in my family have dealt with cancer. The 5th one used to smoke, is 50-70 pounds overweight, gets no exercise, is diabetic -- but is so far cancer free. So, go figure!
I don't mean to be trite, but non of us know how much time we have left. To me, the diagnosis has had many silver linings to it. It is not all panic and grief. God has given me a great peace throughout the last two years. He has opened my eyes and heart to great friends, family, new appreciation for everything I have and have experienced in my life. I could go on and on at nauseum!
Two years ago, I was diagnosed and went thru a series of chemo treatments. I relapsed about 5 months later and then had surgery because it had gone to the ovaries so a hyterectomy was done. It has now been 8 months and CA125 and CAT reports a pretty good. I do have GI problems but are probably a result of surgery (scar tissue, lessions or whatever). But for 90%+ of the time, I feel really good, have good color, and energy is pretty high, am working on a major public art project.
Focus on the time she is here with and for you, count your blessings that she is not in pain, not suffering side effects, is in good spirits. These are such GREAT blessings!! My brother was not so lucky. He threw up for 2-3 days after each treatment. He even started getting sick before they started the IV -- just in anticipation. He lost so much weight that he looked like a skeleton, was week, out of breath, very limited in what he could, could hardly hold a conversation. Unless they were told, people didn't even know I was going thru chemo because I felt and looked so good/normal. I felt fatigue the last couple of months of my second chemo cycle but bounced back in a few weeks after.
My husband and I are continuing to plan our life. If the cancer comes back, we will adjust accordingly. For instance, we are leaving Saturday for a week in Florida (we live in California) for snorkeling and kayaking and sightseeing. We have a trip planned in September and another in November. My daughter asked me, "Isn't it hard to plan these things and then not be able to go." I told her that there is alot of fun in planning things. Sometimes, the planning is actually more fun than the event! So we are not denying ourselves that fun and joy. But I am planning on living, then adjusting if necessary. There is a scripture in the Bible that says, "I make my plans, but God has the final word." I belive that, accept that, and am at peace with that!

My heart goes out to you because I know how my cancer has affected my 3 grown childen. But, we are also closer than before and have a new perspective on how important and precious time together is.
Focus on what you have NOW, not on what you will lose LATER. We all have gone or will go thru loss. Its the time before that loss that matters.
My best to you,
Diane T

I lost my mother about 20 months ago to colon cancer. She was diagnosed at stage IV and only lived eight months after the diagnosis, right before her 70th birthday. She was the "hub" of the family "wheel" and before she died, I could not imagine life without her. She, too, was one of the best people you could know, kind and generous and loved by many friends. I miss her deeply, but I have two memories that help:

1. Caring for Mom for the last three months of her life. That was probably the most precious gift I could give her, to return a little of the love and care she had given me for so long.

2. The realization, once she was gone, that yes, I was capable of carrying on without her physically present and that I did/do have the knowlege and strength to do what I have to in life because she taught me well.

Live in this moment. Give of yourself to her as you can, and don't feel guilty when you can't. Find the joy in being together today.

And in case you feel the need to blame God, I would say to you that you have every right to scream, "Why, God, why?". God can handle it and even expects it. But I do not believe that saying about God not giving us more than we can handle, because I do not believe it's God causing these trials. I do believe that God is with us as we go through them and provides help and comfort. I have God's blessings so many times during and after Mom's illness, and I pray them for you.

(If you do not believe in God, please ignore that paragraph. If you do believe, I hope it gives you comfort.)

Cheryl,

I too have been in your shoes. I lost both of my parents about 2 years ago to cancer. They both died within 6 months of each other at the ages of 55 and 56.

It was an experience filled with emotions and miracles and love and yes much STRESS. With the love and support of my 3 sisters and husband and family I got through it. I NEVER imagines losing my parents at such an early age, but it is not for us to decide these things. My faith in God was made so much stronger by this. I believed before, but I wasn't too sure about all of it.

My mother was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer that had spread to her liver. She died within 4 months. My father was healthy though all of this, besides an lingering pain in his shoulder. He thought it was a pulled muscle or something. A week before my mother died, I asked her if she had any dreams. I was thinking she might have dreams of my grandfather who had died a few years back. She told me that she had dreams of my dad being sick. She started to cry and wouldn't talk about any more. We think that she had a premonition that Dad was going to be sick too.

Anyhow, a month after she died my father had a pathogenic fracture to his arm and was diagnosed with metastatic kidney cancer that had spread to his bones. We were in complete shock to say the least. He had surgery to set the arm and was in the hospital for a week and was released a day before my sisters wedding. He walked her down the aisle with a cane (in pain) and he danced with her at her wedding and really enjoyed himself. He died 5 months later.

We had many miracles happen throughout our tragedy, but we found love and support within each other. My sisters (3) and I banded together and took care of both of my parents on their journey. I will never regret it and consider it to be the biggest gift from them. They gave me life and I was able to be with them as theirs on earth ended. I miss them terribly, but life goes on and they live in me and my sisters each and every day as your dad lives in you and so will your mom. I am no longer afraid of death, as I know one day I will be with them again. I do look forward to a long life and have learned to take better care of myself and I hope that will help. No one knows when it is their time, that is not up to us. Hang in there and take care. Talk to your mom and just be with her and enjoy it.

Hi Everyone...
I also know how most of you feel, my Dad suffered with kidney/bladder cancer, and my mother had stage IV Metastatic Lung Cancer, with a malignant pleural effusion. We had all been caring for my mother during her "recovery" from her lobectomy surgery, when my father died suddenly of a heart-attack, he was a 10 year cancer survivor this year, he died in May, in his sleep. My Mother was supposed to have gone for a follow up CT scan of her lung, due to a horrible cough she was experiencing, unbenownst to us, she was suffering and dying with a reccurant lung cancer all along. We knew she was ill, but never wanted to believe the cancer was back. Sadly, my sisters and I, during my father's funeral and wake, heard her whisper at my father's grave-"See you soon, Dad" little did we know her cancer would be taking her life in three months, and that we would be caring for her and easing her passing, with the help of hospice in her home. She and my Dad both died at home in bed. We are so shocked and saddened by this double whammy, but are also comforted by the fact that they are now again together in spirit. Watching someone die of cancer is a horrible experience, the pain drugs can cause them mental problems and to suffer hallucinations, and makes the letting go for those left behind, difficult. There are no good conversations, there are no last goodbyes, there are no chances to change what has transpired in the past-there is no coherency. That is why cancer is such a cruel fate. The pain of losing one's parents at 68 and 66 are too much to bear and at times I just breakdown and sob...but I really am glad that my mom is no longer in any pain, and cancer causes the worst kind. My Father wouldn't have been able to witness what my sisters and I did, and thank God things happened the way they did. My bottom line here is, I would have done anything to save my mother the pain of dying with cancer, but that was not a possibility. No sadly in this country, (except for the state of Oregon) we allow people to suffer and die agonizing deaths from cancer, without saying enough is enough! I fully support PAS or physician assisted suicide, and I pray that more laws are passed allowing this humane way to die, to be legal.
I loved my parents so very much, and the least I can do is support humane death for human beings.
Best wishes,
Heather

Heather aka Adultorphan,

I read your message. I am 2nd daughter whose parents died within 6 months of each other. I can feel your grief. I truly recommend a support group that my sisters and I went to. It was at a local Hospice organization in our area. It was called the parent loss support group. We found Tremondous help in attending this once a week support group which lasted 6 weeks I think.

I can understand your support of the physician suicide thing. My parents too died a gruesome death. I do believe though that they heard everything around them until the very end. There were too many things that happened during their dying hours for me to believe otherwise. It may not have been a heart to heart talk, but they were aware and had lucid moments.

Try to forget the bad times and remember now that they are together forever and no longer in pain. Time will heal your wounds. Take care and good luck.

Patty

Hi Patty...thank you for the kind words.
I appreciate that. I am so sorry for your
loss too. If you do not mind me asking, and if
it is not too painful for you to talk about, how did your parents die? Of what types of cancer?
Just curious, and hoping that is not too personal.
I will take your advice and look up the grief support group from hospice.
Heather

Heather,

My mom had lung cancer that had spread to her liver by the time we found it and she died 4 months after diagnosis. My father had kidney cancer that had spread to his bones. He was diagnosed a month after our mother and he too died 4 months after diagnosis. They both tried treatments, but to no avail. In my mother's case - she did radiation, but we think it took her quicker. Our father had his kidney removed and also did radiation, but it didn't help. Mom was a smoker and dad wasn't, but he was always with her. Who knows? They were very close and did everything together. We feel they had a connection like those you hear about. Anyhow, good luck to you. Patty

I'm very sorry to hear about you mother. I know exactly what you mean by other family members taking very poor care of themselves and living to ripe old ages (See http://www.cancercompass.com/message-board/message/all,27017 )

Its just not fair when my sister who takes great care of herself is dying of brain and kidney cancer at 40 with 2 young children. My Grandfather lived to the bitter end of 95 and was one of the most nasty people I knew. I always figured he pickled himself a long time ago with southern comfort and thats why he lived so long.

I know it is wrong but I wish it was one of them. It like the drunk driver who kills and family and miraculously walks out of the fiery wreak. I think  now this is a normal feeling and part of the process.

Take care

 

Derek 

 

Derek