My Dad

Just wanted to update everyone on my dad.  He was supposed to start his second round of chemo today (stage IV EC) but they have stopped it due to his weight issue.  He hasn't eaten for several days....can't.  I am basically living with the knowledge that my father is starving to death.  I live out of state and was just home for a  week to be with him.  It's AWFUL to watch someone you love go through all this suffering.  I thought for sure that they would just stop and he would decide to call in hospice.  But today they did a CT to see if the tumor is growing.  Tomorrow they will discuss results and other options.  They are talking about radiation now and maybe another form of chemo.   He was taking    5FU and Cisplatin.  He was in a clinical trial and don't know if he was receiving Avastin or not.  Is radiation really going to help him eat any better than chemo?  That would take too long wouldn't it?  He has a feeding  tube but can't even get in 1 oz an hour.  He's just wasting away.  This is so frustrating....I wish he would pass away today.  As horribly as I would miss him..the suffering would finally be over.  I don't think anything is going to help him at this point, but I guess it's his decision.  I'm having a hard time with God right now.  Anyone else have that issue?

Julie

Julie,

  I do understand, all of it.  I understand exactly how you feel.  My dad was just dx this past December, and he has always been a small man, about 135 pounds...He's down to 107...with swallowing issues...He can usually swallow ensure and liquids...but anything more and he gets bad hiccups....We are just finishing up some laser treatments and going into chemo and radiation within the next few weeks....

  I began having "issues" with God after my Grandmother died nearly five years ago...She died with MRSA, an infection...it wasn't pretty, and like my father, she was a loving, giving person....Things like cancer and MRSA should only happen to "bad" people....not people like my loving family and yours....So many other people have comfort in their faith and I try not to feel this way, but I do...Why cant I feel that God is listening to my prayers and find comfort?  Why are things going to have to get worse for my Dad before they get better?...

Sadly, I have no answers, just don't give up...and know you are not the only one who feels that way...

Angie

Hi Julie:   This is Lynn.  My 34 year old son, Robbie, was diagnosed with Stage IV EC on April 6, 2006.  The docs gave him 3 months WITH treatment.  He passed away on October 7, 2007, and he lived a lot longer than anyone thought he would.  I was sooo mad at God when he was diagnosed that I told our minister that I had lost my faith for the first time in my life.  He told me that I had not lost my faith I had only misplaced it and that he would be more worried about me if I said it was God's will.  I found my way back because my son was such a believer.  He told me that this disease and I would suppose any disease which makes our loved ones suffer is not caused by God- it is the world and the devil.  I prayed and prayed that God would let my dear boy live long enough to see his 2 beautiful little girls at least into their teen years.  Just about 10 days before Robbie passed away,we were at the Cancer Centre to get some news.  It was not good and they wanted to put him into the hospital.  He refused because he had decided that he wanted to die at home in his own bed.  He had the support of our family doctor.  Robbie turned to me and said Well Mom, your prayers have been answered - maybe not the way you wanted but I lived 18 months and not 3-4.  We had a great time this summer and we made lots of memories.  I told my beloved child that it should be me and not him but I am not in charge.  I told him that I loved him more than life itself but it broke my heart in 2 to watch him suffer.  I told him that we (my husband and I) would look after his wife and 2 little girls and that if Jesus came to take His Hand and go.  I told him this about 9:00 p.m. on October 6, 2007.  He kissed and hugged me and told me he loved me very much.  A little over 12 hours later he was gone - very peacefully in his own bed.  He looked like he just fell asleep.  Robbie was a very small man (135) at his top weight.  I am mad at God some days and then I think that I will see Robbie at Heaven's Gate and I realize that God did not cause him to suffer and God did not cause the illness, but this world we live in.  I guess what I am trying to say is that is OK to be mad at God - we all are at one time or another and I would rather believe that there is eternal life in Heaven if I believe and get to my grave to find I was wrong than to not believe and get to my grave to find that there is eternal life and I can't get in and be with my loved ones who have gone before because I did not believe.  I certainly know how you feel when you say that you wonder why "good people" get sick and die and "bad" people don't. In my case I even wonder why my husband and I still have 3 elderly parents who are dependent upon us and our son is dead at 35.  I guess we all question our faith and are mad at God at some point but I sure hope that you are able to find yourself believing again.  I remember telling everyone that I was angry at God and I was praying for my son to live and that I knew when the time came I would pray for him to go and I did just that.  Please give yourself a chance and be very gentle with yourself.  You are likely beginning your grieving process and you will have many changes over the next several months.

Remember your Dad is still here and I believe all the time that he is still here as people we continue to hope.  NEVER GIVE UP!!  My son always said to me - one day at a time - just one day at a time.  I found when I realized in August just how much he was slipping away that I thought that each day he woke up was a good day.

Julie, I am not going to tell you that I am all "better" or that I have "accepted" my son's death nor that I am "over" it.  All of that would be a lie.  I sometimes don't know how I get up each morning but I do.  I don't know where the time goes.  I still wish it had been me instead of him.  My son was a very loving and giving person and he is my hero.

I don't know if I was able to help you at all but please don't give up.  I will pray for your Dad, and I will say God Bless to you.

Hugs

Lynn 

Hi all,

I thought I would chime in as I am having issues with God too and struggling to still believe...   My father has mets now (after surgery in May and a NED in August) and I fear it's catastrophic and there is little that can be done for him at this point - still waiting to see...   The day he started his chemo last Feb, my beloved Mom (his wife of 40 years) was rushed to the ER with severe abdominal pains (as he sat in his chair in another wing of the hospital getting his first infusion).   My Mom had emphysema, and it turned into a respiratory crisis, and she was put on a vent - on and off for 3 weeks, until she died (semi-unexpectedly - we thought she was out of the woods) in the middle of the night one night - alone.  Through it all, my Dad continued his chemo and rad - we were at that damn hospital every day - during some of that time, my Mom's body was still in the morgue just down the hall.   It was horrific.

 My Dad has tried so hard to make the most of his life, without his wife, as lost and sad as he is...  has struggled so much physically, yet tries to continue doing as much as he can.   And now this.   IT is just SO unfair to him - and my family.  I don't understand what we did to deserve this.   I too find myself wishing (if he's meant to suffer horribly, which I assume, given the nature of this disease) that perhaps he would just slip away peacefully in his sleep one night - before it gets to that point.   OF course my first wish/prayer is that we can keep him, if he can have a good quality of life...   but I am so angry at God that I am put in a position of wishing certain forms of death on my father, as opposed to others...  

That said, I had to do the same thing with my mother, and I sort of got my wish (the middle of the night thing, being spared further suffering - though I don't think it was peaceful from the few details I know).   So I do feel like God was looking out for us a bit, and I am thankful we weren't forced to make any horrible decisions, which is the direction things might have been heading...     Since my Mom's death, I have had some amazing experiences where I KNOW she is still with me/us.   I have had some insanely, uncanny butterfly experiences - I have had some unbelievably vivid dreams where I feel like she has literally gotten into my head...   My 2nd daughter was born the day my father got out of the hospital from his esophagectomy in June...   she is the IDENTICAL twin of my mother - it's bizarre...   and even more so, bec. she doesn't look remotely like her older sister...     SO, these things have kept me going - make me realize that God is still there - in spite of how much hell we've had to endure - and that is why I am trying to hold on desperately to what little belief I have left...  

I know when my Dad's time comes, which I pray won't be as soon as I fear it might be, I will be glad I held onto my beliefs, through it all...   and I know he will always be with us...   and I can take comfort in knowing that he will be reunited with his soul mate in heaven.  

Hope this helps you all bit...  even though I now have tears streaming down my face, it's been good to get this out...

 Courtney

Well, I guess it's my turn :)

My own Mom just passed away September 20th, 2007 after a battle that began in May 2005 from Mantle Cell Lymphoma.

In April 2007, my mother-in-law (who I am extremely close too) was dx with EC Stage IV and in January 2008 they discovered brain mets that she just had surgery to remove (1 inch tumor on her cerebellum). They are giving her a very short time to live but we all know that those are just statistics.

I'm going to be very honest. I have been a faithful Christian since I was 13. The funny thing about faith, is that it can't truly be called faith until it has been tested. What's the point of believing in something if you can't trust it when the going gets tough?  God never said life would be easy. He told us flat out that life was going to be hard because of sin and our human nature. Nonetheless, I was completely shocked and devastated when my Mom died in September. It wasn't a surprise really, they had been killing her with steroids and junk for the last 2 years, but it still just blew me away. I thought for sure that God was going to heal her and let us live a "normal" life with our Mom here. But, He chose to end her suffering and take her home to Him.

My faith has been completely shaken and I will not lie to you and see that it is an easy road. Losing someone you love to death is not an easy thing to experience, no matter how much faith you have. Cancer sucks. Watching your loved one slowly die sucks even more. Knowing that they are God's child and are currently up in Heaven praising Him and being completely healed?  That does not suck. It's a miracle that my Mom is now experiencing and that my mother-in-law is preparing to experience.

If I can give you any advice it all, it would be to cherish every moment. Save every voicemail, email, letter, video, picture.... you'll need them when your loved one is gone. I'd give anything to feel my Mom hug me, hear her say I love you or just to be able to call her up and talk to her. I'd give any amount of money for her to be here when I have my first baby, when my siblings get married, when my Dad retires, when my nieces and nephews are born.

My world has been flipped upside down... but God didn't do this to me. He didn't set out to make my life miserable.  Everyone dies. God just chooses when enough is enough and rescues us at just the right moment from this world. It's ok to be angry that He didn't choose to heal our loved ones... or that He would allow such awful things into our lives. But just remember that God did not get bored, point out your loved one and nonchalantly give him a terminal disease that would rip everyone's lives apart. Life did that. God loves us :)

I lost my dad in July.  I have been a christian but do not feel that I have had a strong faith most of my life.  Since my dad's death I would have to say my faith has strengthened.  I do not understand why good people die young and grapple with many of the issues stated here on this discussion.  I just have to believe there is a God and that my dad is in heaven with him and all the other good people in my life who have left this earth.  I can't even begin to fathom the loneliness and hopelessness I would have right now if I didn't believe in God.  I have to believe that I will be reunited in heaven one day with my dad, any other thought is unbearable.  Without God there is just nothingness and finality.  I can't face that thought.

Debby