Lynn

Hello All:   Today it is exactly 4 months since my dear boy lost his battle to this demon.  I am taking small steps toward living a new "normal" life.  Things will never be the same for me and my family.  We get through each day and we are very close.  I think that after Easter which is also Robbie's 36th birthday, I will make my decision whether to return to work or to retire about 15 months earlier than planned.  I respond to the people on the board and I feel drawn here to help others who are suffering as a result of this disease.  I have been caring for my granddaughters and Maria and together we are making progress.  I will not lie and say that we are "over it", are "getting better" or have "accepted" his loss - we are just learning to live with it.  Just yesterday, I put in some old videos of Robbie and even his wedding video.  At first I cried and sobbed listening to the sound of his voice but as the time went on I was laughing at his antics with his brothers and his loving affection to his family.  I am still having some trouble with the fact that I told Robbie to take the Lord's Hand and go, but I know intellectually it was the right thing to do.  I wonder some days if he would have at least stayed for Sabina's 9th birthday if I had not given him permission to go, however, on the other hand I believe that he had the appointment with God and he was ready to go and I just made it easier for him.  My grief counsellor has told me that I am making steps to changing my life to the new "normal" that it will be.  I am even thinking about volunteering at the Cancer Society, the Cancer Clinic or the Hospice in our city.  I have been told that I need to wait at least one year before they will accept me as a volunteer so that I have got through all of the "firsts".  This will suit me just fine as both of Robbie's girls will be in school full time next year (Julea will be in Grade 1 and Sabina in Grade 5).  I will arrange my volunteer schedule around the times that the girls are in school.  I will never forget my beloved son nor will I ever heal completely but I believe that I am on the road to begin living again.  Maria and I are planning a 2 day visit to Niagara Falls with the girls during March break and we have also planned a 10 day holiday in the trailer with Nana, Papa and Mom and the girls for this summer.  We also have planned a weekend with our youngest boy, his oldest daughter, Chloe, and Sabina and Julea.  We have decided to make new memories with the trailer as Robbie would want us to.  I know that he is at peace and that we are suffering more than him but we are beginning to move on.  Thank you to all for your concern and assistance during Robbie's illness and death.  I will continue to check the boards and help when I feel I can offer support.  All of your support meant so much to me during Robbie's battle that I will never be able to repay you.  I am hoping by helping others I will feel that I am repaying all of you and also commemorating Robbie's memory by volunteering to help others who are suffering.

God Bless you all

Hugs and Love

Lynn

Hi Lynn,

     I know it is so hard to go on when you lose someone you love. Our lives are never the same. My brother has been gone almost 5 years. You are right, you just learn to live with it, because there is not anything else we can do.

  I think the volunteering is a wonderful thing to do. It will probably help you as much as it does the ones you are helping.

 I haven't had much time to post messages lately. I have cut back on my hours at work so that I can spend a little more time with Mama. Even though I haven't posted as much I still pray for everybody here everyday.

 My Mama is doing well since her last trip to the hospital with her COPD. She is not smoking !! Thank God ! She will her another CT scan in March (which I dread). That will be a breath holding week until we get results back.

  Lynn, I hope things will continue to get better for you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for your support as well. I appreciated yours and everybody elses support when Mama was in the hospital.                                          Love,

                                                                       Pat

Hi Pat:  Just a little note to say that I am really glad that you are able to spend more time with your Mama.  I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am that I took the leave of absence from work in late August and was able to be with Robbie every day after that.  Someday those memories of our special times together will be very comforting to me and I know that your memories of your time with your Mama will be some of your happiest in the future.  I know what you mean about the wait after the CT Scan.  It is horrific to wait for the news.

I will pray for a good result for your family.

God Bless and hugs to you

Love Lynn

Lynn,

I have read your messages over the months and I want to tell you how much I admire your strength and determination to help your sons family.  Some of us would have curled up in a fetal position and selfishly wasted away to nothing.  I cannot imagine telling my child to go with the Lord, but what a wonderful thing you did for him when you said those words.  You released him from pain and allowed him to let go of the Beast and enter into the kingdom of heaven to receive the peace and healing he so richly deserved.  Now you must take a deep breath and in knowing that he is okay try to concentrate on yourself.  In dealing with my cancer, and knowing that I am a Christian, I say to my self everyday, I'm going to be okay and even if I'm not, I'm still going to be okay.  God Bless You and everyone on this board.  I will continue to pray for you.

Gerri