Controlling Mother

My dad has cholangiocarcinoma and has reached a stage where the end seems relatively near. He was diagnosed in 2004. I have a mother who is good hearted but very controlling. She makes it hard for us to be together and be happy because she is constantly venting her anger at me. I try to tell myself that she doesnt mean half the things she says when she's angry but thats getting harder to do as sometimes all she says to me all day is angry stuff. I feel like the support we give each other is minimal and thats really crap because we really need each other right now. I had a very negative thing happen to me two years ago and feel like she has never been there for me because she is so busy obsessing over my dad. Before July 2007 my dad could walk around, eat pretty much do whatever he wanted but my mother would constantly try to confine him to the house in an effort to 'make him better'. 'Over exertion might lead to further spreading of the disease.' I have really resented this but he always let her do it to him so one day I just stopped interfering. If he allowed it to happen then there was only so much I could do to stop it.

But in this whole process I feel that she has completely forgotten about me and my needs. I know her husband and my father is going through a really difficult time right now but that does not mean her role as a mother is completely wiped out. I admit that in the past four months he has needed a lot of care but I have moved in with them to help too. I dont want to sound selfish and I definitely know that not everything is about me but I just feel that we should be supporting each other right now. We have both had our differences from the start but this is one situation where only the other knows what we are going through. When I think of life after my dad what scares me as much as his death is my mother. I don't see us mutually being there for each other. I'm going to have to take care of her. But then who will take care of me?  Who can I lean on? She is very controlling and manipulates me through her guilt. I have stopped seeing almost all my friends unless they come around because when I go out she sees it as a sign of me not caring.And she feels resentful that she is at home doing all the work while I'm out 'having a ball', even if I'm just grabbing a quick dinner with an old friend.

I come from a very conservative Indian family where moving out while living in the same city as your parents is not acceptable. And moving cities just to move out might may well be what I end up doing one day but if something happens to my dad there is no way I can just leave my mother in the lurch. 

I have offered many times to stay at home with my dad while she goes out to do her thing, I've tried to get her to just go for a half an hour walk to clear her head but she wont leave his side.

I don't know what to do.

Maybe there is nothing I can do..

Is anyone going through anything similar?

Does anyone have any words of advice?

Is any mother in a situation where she feels she might be doing this to her child?

If yes, I would love to hear from you.

As you guys can probably tell from the lack of structure in my message, my brain is everywhere right now. Just hearing from someone who knows how hard cancer can hit people who dont even have cancer would be nice.

Thanks 

Hi xyz123,

It sounds like you and your mom could really use some help communicating.  You're absolutely right - now is definately the time when you need the support of each other the most.

Every person copes differently with this monster of a disease.  It seems that your mom's consumption by it is her way.  She is trying to cope by contolling absolutely everthing that she CAN, including even your feelings in the form of guilt.  This disease makes everyone around it so powerless, and so useless.  Try to be patient with her.  You've already mentioned that she is kindhearted, and she is faced with the very difficult reality that she may soon be losing her spouse.

That being said, I know how difficult it is to have a parent in this scenario.  My dad was diagnosed in May, and I lost him Dec.21.  He was also at home, and my Mom was also his primary caregiver.  There were bad days, and worse days, but it's important to remember that a family needs each other during these times.  Don't give up on your Mom (or Dad, for that matter) but don't allow either of them to manipulate you through guilt, or any other tactics.  You are entitled to have your own feelings, and only do what you feel you can.  No more, no less.  We're all only human, and we are all victims to this disease.  Sometimes I wonder if caregivers have it worse...

Show your Mom your post, if you think it might help.  Sometimes it's easier to show a letter that's addressed to a stranger.  Create some awareness.  I can tell you really care about your family, and that you're hurting over all this.  She needs to know that you're all in this together, and that even though she may be losing a spouse, you may be losing a parent.  Your Dad needs to know that you both will be OK if something happens to him.

Take good care.  I wish you and your family love and peace. Keep us posted how you all are doing.

Kylie