Feeling So Empty

My mom just passed away on Feb. 25, 2008 from had just turned 72 on October 31.  I am back at work, which kind of helps me because I keep busy, but once I get home I feel so sad, upset, all these mixed feelings.  Even though I have an 8 year old daughter and my father leaves right next door (I've always lived next to my parents, never left their side) to me I feel that part of my group is missing.   I guess because it was always the 4 of us, my mom took care of my daughter since my daughter was born because I had to go to work, so I always thought of the four of us like a little group.  Even though my mom had 6 of us (4 girls, 2 boys) but some leave in other estates etc.  It feels like it's getting harder rather than easier as the days go by, or maybe it was because we had to make all the funeral arragements and stuff and we were so busy that I didn't really stop to think much, but now I find myself crying all the time, and when I wake up the first thing I think about it's my mom.   She was always there for me, since I am a single mom, and I was with her for 45 years never left her or my dad......I can't seem to find a way to feel at lealst ok, everything reminds me of her,  street, shops, I don't even want to sit outside because she used to like to sit outside all the time, specially when it started to get a little hot, when I would come home after work, she was always sitting there by herself or with my daughter.   Also, everything makes me upset, I don't want anyone to tell my anything, or don't want to hear commercials for mother's day.   I don't really talk to my dad, because I know it must be hard for him they were married for 54 years last October 17 and now, even though I live next door, he's alone most of the day and at night.   Will it ever get better, will I ever be able to stop crying or stop thinking about her last days at the hospital?  It seems that's what I think most about, how she cried and her sad eyes and that she wanted to tell us something but couldn't communicate anymore.  That kills me.   Sometimes I feel like running and looking for her, I feel she's somewhere in another estate or something.   This hurst like heck, and no matter what people tell me, it doesn't seem to help me. 

Please how does one cope with this?  Will I ever feel happy again? 

Maggie    

Dear Maggie, My deepest sympathy on the loss of your mother. My parents passed on quite a while ago, but I do remember the feelings that you are conveying here. I didn't have any choice but to return to work and to my young family - who also was suffering the same losses. Please, accept my comments and advise for what they are. My mother was in her late 50's and I in my early 30's when she passed away. My children were very close to her, and also very young (6 and 2). She part-took in their care as much as she was able, after she was diagnosed with cancer. The last months of her life were difficult, and I found it difficult to keep a healthy balance between the different aspects of the children's lives. I wanted them to spend time with and to remember their grandmother, but I also didn't want to overburden them with the grief of those of us who understood what loomed ahead. Seeing the importance of your mother's role in your day-to-day life, I can see how that could make you feel desperate about coping. But more importantly, the loss of ones mother leaves a void in the heart that will not be easily filled. For that you should be greatful. Think about how different life would have been without her. Be thankful for your fortune, to always have her support and friendship. Not everyone is as fortunate. The time after burial is very difficult. You are right about the funeral arrangement business keeping your emotions at bay. It is therefore to be expected that you find yourself in an echoing hole and crying more now. This too will pass. You will have good days, and you will have fits of crying inbetween, sometimes when you least expect it. It is all normal. The big and the little reminders will be there for a long time, perhaps forever. But would you want them to go away? I remember my heart jump for joy over finding "just the right thing" for mum for X-mas or birthday many years after she passed away. Think of your mother sitting there smiling at you, when you come home from work. Even sit down "beside her" and share a few thoughts with her. If she were here she would have liked that. And it will bring you closer to her again. As for Mother's Day: that is the day you take flowers to her grave, light her a candle and cry some more. And then you share your own Mother's Day with your daughter, in a more joyful manner. I'm certain that your mother would want you to take good care of your own little girl. As for your father; he must be very lonesome. Like you say, his life must be immeasurably empty without his life-partner, and the lack of communication between you two is bound to make his life emptier. I suggest that you reach out to him, and feel the soothing benefits of sharing good memories about your mother, as well as the grief. None of this will be solved overnight. Expect slow progress. It all takes time, and so it should when an important person passes from your life! And if you find it hard to talk to your Dad leave him something nice: cup cakes, something especially made for him from your little girl, a thoughtful note in his mailbox. Think - think of the way your mother would like you to remember her or take care of her loved ones. Think of her sad eyes and crying as her missing you, and perhaps feeling remorse about causing you grief. Would she want you only to remember that? - or her smiley face in the sun? What may help you, as it has many others, is to keep a dialogue with your mother in the form of a diary. You could write about your life and your feelings - and perhaps add what comments your feel she would have made (in second person... e.g. "What I did was .x. Now you might say..." or "I know you would have liked what I did for..."). Before you know you may find yourself coping with feelings in a way you couldn't immagine possible this week. Try to make the best use of the long holiday week-end to start some of this going. There is no fool-proof recepy for dealing with grief, for sure. We each have to rediscover compassion, hope and love in our hearts. With that, how can we do wrong? My best thoughts and wishes. Victoriana

On 3/14/2008 maggs09 wrote:

My mom just passed away on Feb. 25, 2008 from had just turned 72 on October 31.  I am back at work, which kind of helps me because I keep busy, but once I get home I feel so sad, upset, all these mixed feelings.  Even though I have an 8 year old daughter and my father leaves right next door (I've always lived next to my parents, never left their side) to me I feel that part of my group is missing.   I guess because it was always the 4 of us, my mom took care of my daughter since my daughter was born because I had to go to work, so I always thought of the four of us like a little group.  Even though my mom had 6 of us (4 girls, 2 boys) but some leave in other estates etc.  It feels like it's getting harder rather than easier as the days go by, or maybe it was because we had to make all the funeral arragements and stuff and we were so busy that I didn't really stop to think much, but now I find myself crying all the time, and when I wake up the first thing I think about it's my mom.   She was always there for me, since I am a single mom, and I was with her for 45 years never left her or my dad......I can't seem to find a way to feel at lealst ok, everything reminds me of her,  street, shops, I don't even want to sit outside because she used to like to sit outside all the time, specially when it started to get a little hot, when I would come home after work, she was always sitting there by herself or with my daughter.   Also, everything makes me upset, I don't want anyone to tell my anything, or don't want to hear commercials for mother's day.   I don't really talk to my dad, because I know it must be hard for him they were married for 54 years last October 17 and now, even though I live next door, he's alone most of the day and at night.   Will it ever get better, will I ever be able to stop crying or stop thinking about her last days at the hospital?  It seems that's what I think most about, how she cried and her sad eyes and that she wanted to tell us something but couldn't communicate anymore.  That kills me.   Sometimes I feel like running and looking for her, I feel she's somewhere in another estate or something.   This hurst like heck, and no matter what people tell me, it doesn't seem to help me. 

Please how does one cope with this?  Will I ever feel happy again? 

Maggie