My Father's Stomach Tumor Grew & Spread During Chemo He Went Right Into Hospice

Hi,
My name is Darlene, I'm 38yo & have been a nurse for almost 20yrs. My Dad was healthy just before Easter, a strapping 6' 4" 280lb man, then (due to some slight stomach discomfort/black stool) I sent him for a checkup.
He was dx w/stage 4 stomach cancer & the tumor was about 6cm & very "ugly" as per the doctor. It was in-operable unless it shrunk down from chemo. He had a port a cath & went on to endure 6wks of 5FU chemo (I think that's the correct name).
He felt worse after chemo. & ended up in the hospital w/symptoms of dehydration/starvation. We then found out, HIS TUMOR GREW DURING CHEMO.! And, it's now spread into his liver. He isn't even healthy/strong enough for another endoscopy & refused further tests, so we don't know how large the tumor is.
After only about 10 wks since diagnosis, he's decided to go into a nearby Hospice to "live" the rest of his life as comfortable as possible. He's (for the most part) comfortable, the staff is wonderful & so is sub-lingual Morphine. He's getting thinner, and more jaundice by the hour. Not to mention his "abdominal spasms" caused by the tumor moving through the stomach lining/into the abdominal wall. :( I have never felt so sad & helpless in my life. The fits of tears are overwhelming & without warning. Thank God for my husband & 3 children, but this feels like torture to me.
I feel guilty for wanting him to pass away sooner rather than later...maybe I'm being selfish, but I feel like part of me is dying too.
Being a Nurse in this instance is NOT helping because I react to things before they happen, because I know too much. Please write if you can relate to me. Thanks for listening.

My mom has been going through the same thing. However, her PetScan from a few weeks ago showed the stomach tumor had shrunk. She has since had bloating and a more recent CScan revealed that the tumor has metasticized into her abdomen and she has fluid in her abdominal area. They are changing up her chemo regiment. I am scared to death as I live several states away. I don't know if I should go home now or wait until a scheduled trip at the end of the month. I just have a bad feeling about all this. She is only 58.

Hi & thank you so much for your email. Sorry it took so long for me to respond. My Dad passed away on June 24th, only a short time after I wrote my message on this website. Then...2 weeks later I had major spine surgery (a disk replacement).
I was wondering how your Mom's fight w/cancer is going & how your hanging in there. I will tell you that my Dad's cancer just took over and moved along very very fast. Knowing that it would, I'm so glad that he agreed to moving into the Hospice near to my home.
I spent his last 14 days visiting him, bringing him virtually anything he wanted to eat or drink. I told him I loved him more times than I can remember & he told me the same. As promised, I was there for his last hours here & I whispered in his ear that it was ok to let go, that I would be fine & make sure to take care of his body.
I asked him to be my guardian angel & told him to let go. It was by far the most heartbreaking, selfless experience of my life. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have NO regrets, and that's a wonderful thing. I am at peace & so is my Dad....but now that I've done all of "right" things...I am feeling selfishly sorry for myself and miss my Dad so much. Time will make it hurt less.
I did keep EVERY phone message during his last months (I had a feeling this terrible disease would take him from me). So now I can hear his voice whenever I wish.
As for you....God willing, you still have your Mom in your life.
All I can say is that I will pray for both of you & your family....REMEMBER there is hope until there is no more hope...so keep the faith & please keep in touch. Take care. Sincerely,
Darlene Cornell

Dear Darlene:

I am new to this "cancer" thing...it's horrible. I am so sorry about your dad but it is so good to hear that you have no regrets and that you spent so much time with him.

My mom was diagnosed with colon cancer 5 weeks ago which has spread to her liver. They tell us she may live 1 to 1 1/2 years if she is lucky. I too feel so helpless and I wish I could just do all of this for her. She is so depressed and so sad. She worked up until her diagnosis and has so many friends and loves life. I hope when the time comes that I can deal with it as you have.

Good luck to you.

Karmen

Hi Karmen,
I am so glad that you wrote back to me.
Just know that you're not alone. It's very frustrating having no control over this "cancer thing" as you put it. But, when u find someone who's been in your boat (or something similar), it does help. I don't think anyone can truly "get it" unless they've been through it themselves.
I would be happy to continue to email each other & keep in touch if you think that would be helpful to you. I know that I would have liked someone who understood what I was going through to talk to. Even my husband couldn't really understand my mood swings and what I was going through.
I promise, if you just try to be selfLESS as possible (time to think about yourself later) & do whatever you can for your Mom. More importantly, whatever "SHE" is asking of you...then at the end of the day (whether she makes it & is cured or not)..you'll be able to rest your head every night knowing that you did ALL that you were able to do (short of giving up your entire life).
If you'd like to email me/keep in touch, my email is Darpat4evr@aol.com. By the way, I'm 38yo, living in NJ w/my husband Patrick who's a professional firefighter & I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. I'm a "jersey girl" as they say who moved from the shore to the country & now is looking forward to moving back to the beach before I die of "country bubkin-ness". lol
I am not sure if you're a male or female, not that it matters regarding your Mom/cancer. But,if you care to share about you, that would be great.
Otherwise, just know that I'll keep you and your Mom in my prayers everyday (I promise). Please tell me her first name so I can pray for her.
You'll be surprised how much strength you will have when u need it...it will come from someplace deep inside..you'll see, don't worry about that. : ) And, like I said, you can always email me to vent or swear or cry..or even make a crazy joke once in a while. (We have a silly/sometimes sick sense of humor, but it helps in these situations). Guess it comes from being in the medical/firefighting field for so long.
Take it one day at a time Karmen..hang in there, you're not alone. Feel free to keep in touch.
Darlene C.

Hi Darlene, my name is Mark, my dad was diagnosed with Stomach Cancer at the beginning of august this year. He had been having some back pain and a loss of appetite for a short time but like some men, didn't deem it important enough to bother the docter with it. I think i understand some of what you are going through. My day was my best friend, my football buddy. He died on september 6th five weeks after being diagnosed. He was 58 years old. What i found really difficult to deal with was the fact he was fit and healthy, never smoked and tried his best eat properly.The feeling of being completely powerless has never left me. Watching someone you love very much suffering like that and not being able to help leaves you feeling useless and empty, thank goodness christmas and new year are over with. Putting on a brave face for everyone feels impossible sometimes, but sometimes it's the only way. You think you'll never get through, but you will, somehow. Just remember
things would be much harder for your dad without you in his life. All the best. Luv M

Hi,
That was a nice email..thank you. You're right, thank GOD that the holidays are past. Now, just have to get past his b-day (which is on St. Patrick's Day), up to the year anniversary of his death. Then...well I don't know why, but for some reason I feel that I've been through the worst of it.
I am glad that I didn't get scared and back off...I was there until he passed, (that was NOT fun, I'll need therapy forever..lol) But, I've never told someone I loved them so much. I hope that this spring & summer also bring you happy memories & the strength to move on without your Dad...until you see him again someday (in a very long time :) Until then....we've each got a special guardian angel looking over us. Take care.
Sincerely,
Darlene

Hi my name is Sarah and I am not sure if your dad is still alive or not but I felt the need to reply to your message.  My dad have lung cancer that has spread to his liver and now through his body.  We are dealing with Hospice too and it is so hard to watch the strongest man in your life turn into this weak skinny little man.  I am really having a hard time.  I am 25 years old I have a 19 month old little girl and I am taking care of my dad at home with my mom.  I live five minutes from there house but I am there for most of the time.  I am wondering about all of this medication...it is making him go out of his mind and I am unsure of what I should do.  Did your dad have these problems too?  I hope you get this and let me know. Last week I could have a full conversation with him and now he talks out of his head and talks to people that have been dead for ten years.  I look into his eyes and he is lost.  I am lost too.