There is and answer to your question, but it is not a simple one or a short one. I have been in remission for 15 Months. During that time I have spent time reflecting on my disease and my life after it. Here is what I have found out.
I have never defined myself by my cancer. I have always seen my cancer as an invader that didn't belong, an interloper that I was determined to forever annihilate. I have told very few about it. Not because I was ashamed of it but because I didn’t want people to have pity on me or feel sorry for me. I believed in my inner strength to survive. That inner strength has been enough. And then there was the family response to what I had endured. I had survived a serious and major surgery-with massive blood loss- and I had achieved complete remission from cancer. I should be thrilled Right!. According to my family I should just be happy to be alive. But they didn’t get it because to me something was still a miss, life was just not quite right. There was the terror and the memory of what I had lived through and it was always with me. I wondered if that feeling would ever change?
Then one morning I woke up in a different frame of mind. I think that I finally realized that while I had had lymphoma, nothing was really that much different then before I was diagnosed. True there have been physical changes and some emotional revisions. But overall on the grand scheme of things nothing that mattered had really changed. The people that I loved before still loved me after. I still had my job-more fun than work. And I still had my friends. Other than the emotional and physical hell that I had endured life was pretty much the same. Normal was still there I just had to look a bit harder to find it.
Before I was diagnosed with lymphoma I had casually thought about the fact that I was at some point going to die. The only difference now and before my diagnosis was that after my diagnosis I had nearly died and I truly understood deaths finality. Before my diagnosis dying was all just hypothetical that was going to happen to me sometime and somewhere. After being diagnosed with cancer, having chemo and surgery I had a different understanding. That understanding was that reaching the end of life was the reality. Once I came to terms with that reality there was only one thing to do and that was to move forward. No more looking over my shoulder, no more fear about what was around the next corner. And that where I am today.
I have family friends a job and a pretty good life. I do the most I can to focus there and be involved the experiences of daily living. However, that not to say that I still don't get anise around scan time or before an Onc visit. At the same time I know that what ever bad health crap may be coming it will take care of itself. Today I understand that in the end, I have no control over the finality of my life. Therefore, I should do the most with what I have today.
If you are starting to think that you were never sick I would say that that is good thing. To me that says that you have come to terms with your illness and are ready to start living your life once again. "Normal" is returning to your life be it somewhat altered. Enjoy every day and love the people in your life. You know that it can all end so why waste your time looking back?
All the best
Scotty