Struggles, Feelings And Fears--Please Do Not Read If You Are In A Fragile State

I have that empty feeling. I also just don't care.

I was diagnosed with two different types of breast cancer five years ago on May 15. I believed I handled the whole experience as well as I could.

 I did my first series of chemo before my surgery. I was told on my last date of chemo that I would have to do another chemo series after surgery. This sent me to the doctor for anxiety medication. That was a shock--and unfair. I had previously been told that I would only need one round of chemo. I had the chemo and surgery while my son was with his father for the summer. (I won't go there right now--my ex was neither supportive nor kind he was vicious).

I had to decide what to do. I had invasive cancer in my left breast (and felt another lump grow during the chemo) and non invasive in my right breast. My original oncologist wanted me to have lumpectomies (sp?), but he relocated before the surgery. I learned (my aunt trained as a surgeon but is an ER dr.) that this is not standard procedure in a case such as mine.

I did wait until the 12th hour to make the decision--and actually my sister called in a favor and I was able to see the head of oncology at the hospital where she worked. So I got to see him at the last minute. He told me what he would do and was honest and clear. He had heard about my case (it was reviewed by a consortium of oncologists in the Chicago area for a variety of reasons, most specifically because breast cancer does not run in my family but uterine and colon cancer do).

 So I had a bilateral mastectomy, full mastectomy on left breast and regular (what do you call that?) on right breast. I went through two years or so of reconstruction.

I now have lymphodema (sp) in my left arm. I am experiencing pain in both breasts. I had a brief discussion with my trusted reconstructive surgeon before he went on vacation. I should have pushed him to see me, but I know how hard he works and was not aware that he is on vacation until tax day.

 The dr. did state that he believed the severe pain was from scar tissue that needed to be removed. 

During the last three weeks, I have been in intense pain and have been incredibly unpleasant. My boss has threatened to fire me, even after I evaluated the situation and discussed why these things were occurring with him and basically kissed up. The stress has driven me into a 24/7 anxiety attack (I have an anxiety disorder). I'm scared. I'm lost.

 Actually, this is the first time I have reached out to a cancer support group and even just typing this feels so good. 

 I'm lonely. I'm scared and sometimes I think I'm crazy.

Jessica 

Jessica, Please do not give up hope.  You have been through so much and you are entitled to your anxiety and depression, but there is hope.  I know how debilitating anxiety disorder can be as I too have it.  It is crippling.  And, of course, your health issues do not help the situation.   My husband just passed from stomach cancer on February 22 - he had stage IV cancer for three years.  Three years with stage IV - unbelievable.  Even though he was sick from chemo and radiation, discouraged, anxious, he still fought til the very end.  I cannot imagine what you are experiencing, but life is so precious.  If you are a praying person, ask for strength and release from your anxiety.  This board is so cathartic - everyone is very supportive.  Please keep posting and let us know how you make out.  You are in my prayers. 

Diane

Diane, Thank you for your comments. They help more than you know.

By the way, please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. That would be incredibly difficult. You are clearly a strong person who has done well in spite of your anxiety disorder.

 I am not wholly reassured by anything. I was referred to another doctor who was covering for my reconstructive surgeon. Absolutely useless. Drive all the way there, park, see him, he just shrugs and says he does not deal with reconstructions or pain. That I should go to the ER. Yes, I ended up in tears and cannot say I was that polite. I basically told him that I had wasted my time and money coming to see him to have him shrug and offer me no recourse. He gave me my check back. I didn't care about that. I need help today. I will reach out to my psychiatrist for pain meds (he won't give them, I suspect, because he avoids giving me any narcotics). And anxiety meds. I don't want to go back to the Xanax, but I can't feel like this all the time. I need to be numb for work.

 I have 10 days off per year. I have low immunity. I have to watch every day. Once I run out of time, they can fire me. My manager used to let me work from home occasionally but not anymore. Things are quite tense and I don't have any recourse but to clench my teeth.

My son is coming to see me next week and I cannot afford to take much time off. I will barely get to see him. It's just awful. I am having a bad day--and I just have to talk about it.

I appreciate your listening.

Jessica 

Jessica,, I hear you loud and clear

I too had a billateral masectomy due to two types of cancer,, ductal and lobular.  Vast lymph node involvement.  They took 19 of them.  No lymphodemia yet.  But I sit and wait.  I'm on Arimidex and posted here about how it causes depression and I've got it big time.   Maybe I have an anxiety disorder.  I"ve never gone to anyone for it.  I'm just assuming thats what it is.  I'm seeing a heart specialits to see why my heart races so hard I have to lay down for up to an hour.  They say my tests are fine.  I have no sex drive,, I had reconstruction and now sport two hard painful breasts that I know will have to be reduced or removed in time.  I'm holding out as long as I can because I have cleavage. I'm in a dark place on a nice sunny spring day.  I feel the same as you and if that gives you any releif I'm glad.     I  don't know what to say to help you.  I'm 45,,, and assuming my life is over.  I feel like it is anyway.  I give the others on here alot of credit for being so strong.  Dieing with dignity. ... How the heck can I do that.  I'm clawing and bitter,,,,,and resentful that this happened to me.  I think we will be ok.. Lets at least hang on to that for now.  I just need a new drug that won't make me feel like crap.

Lynn

On 4/17/2008 eyelash wrote:

Jessica,, I hear you loud and clear

 

I too had a billateral masectomy due to two types of cancer,, ductal and lobular.  Vast lymph node involvement.  They took 19 of them.  No lymphodemia yet.  But I sit and wait.  I'm on Arimidex and posted here about how it causes depression and I've got it big time.   Maybe I have an anxiety disorder.  I"ve never gone to anyone for it.  I'm just assuming thats what it is.  I'm seeing a heart specialits to see why my heart races so hard I have to lay down for up to an hour.  They say my tests are fine.  I have no sex drive,, I had reconstruction and now sport two hard painful breasts that I know will have to be reduced or removed in time.  I'm holding out as long as I can because I have cleavage. I'm in a dark place on a nice sunny spring day.  I feel the same as you and if that gives you any releif I'm glad.     I  don't know what to say to help you.  I'm 45,,, and assuming my life is over.  I feel like it is anyway.  I give the others on here alot of credit for being so strong.  Dieing with dignity. ... How the heck can I do that.  I'm clawing and bitter,,,,,and resentful that this happened to me.  I think we will be ok.. Lets at least hang on to that for now.  I just need a new drug that won't make me feel like crap.

Lynn

Ladies,

I don't know who you are refering to, "dieing with dignity". Myself and HUNDREDS more on this forum are "LIVING with cancer". I know it is tough, one of my Doctors has already told me that my cancer will eventually kill me.....well DUHHH!!!!!!!! I just smiled and replied,"Hell Doc, I never planned to live forever anyway and I hope you didn't either because you are going to be real disappointed some day".

I have beat cancer at it's nasty little game twice. I don't believe in strike three and you're out, I believe in third time charm. I may win the next time and if I don't......maybe the fourth time. You can never give up, never give in. No matter how bad you think it is, somewhere on this big old ball someone has it worse, without cancer.

In a nutshell, as posted and used many times in this forum, "DON'T DIE FROM CANCER, LIVE WITH IT".

Even if you think you are alone, you're not. We are all here and just a few keystrokes away.

 Mark

Jessica, have you been to a cancer physical therapist about your Lymphodemia ?  I wasn't told that it might accure after I had a neck dissection and reconstruction. Then suddenly, my neck hurt like h+ll and was stiff as a board. Finally found out about Therapy and learned how to massage my neck and shoulders,etc., to get the fluids to move again and in the right direction instead of collecting in my neck area.

Keep posting and asking questions, and most importantly, keep going forward.

 Take Care

I did go through cancer physical therapy  for my lymphodema. Now that my pain is under control in other areas (had surgery to fix implants), I am going to try to use my machine, which worked well prior to pain problems.

 Thanks for looking out for me. Best, Jessica

On 4/17/2008 eyelash wrote:

Jessica,, I hear you loud and clear

 

I too had a billateral masectomy due to two types of cancer,, ductal and lobular.  Vast lymph node involvement.  They took 19 of them.  No lymphodemia yet.  But I sit and wait.  I'm on Arimidex and posted here about how it causes depression and I've got it big time.   Maybe I have an anxiety disorder.  I"ve never gone to anyone for it.  I'm just assuming thats what it is.  I'm seeing a heart specialits to see why my heart races so hard I have to lay down for up to an hour.  They say my tests are fine.  I have no sex drive,, I had reconstruction and now sport two hard painful breasts that I know will have to be reduced or removed in time.  I'm holding out as long as I can because I have cleavage. I'm in a dark place on a nice sunny spring day.  I feel the same as you and if that gives you any releif I'm glad.     I  don't know what to say to help you.  I'm 45,,, and assuming my life is over.  I feel like it is anyway.  I give the others on here alot of credit for being so strong.  Dieing with dignity. ... How the heck can I do that.  I'm clawing and bitter,,,,,and resentful that this happened to me.  I think we will be ok.. Lets at least hang on to that for now.  I just need a new drug that won't make me feel like crap.

Lynn

Lynn, I had anxiety problems prior to diagnosis but was not taking meds for it. Now I take Clorazapete (sp) which is non narcotic.

Lynn, I am  46 and felt like life was over for me for awhile. I will be a five year survivor in November. It has been a difficult journey--and very hard. I don't feel like life is over all the time. But I don't worry that I might die; I don't care.

I truly believe we will be okay; I believe you will start moving on from this, but it will always be there. I wish I could tell you otherwise. I just hang on every day.

Your breasts should not be hard. I just had my implants replaced because the muscle tissue had adhered to them. My doctor removed and replaced implants and made more room for them. They feel so great. I hated having the had ones as well.

It sounds like we are in the same boat. I'm here if you need me.

Best,

Jessica