I lost my Dad on Aug 4, 2007. My parents divorced when I was 5. His wife of 32 years was by his side the whole way. He was only 64. I am 1 of 3 children; the baby and a girl, so it's been difficult. I was Daddy's angel until I was 16, when I went to live with him and my stepmother. She was the best friend I'd ever had. But Dad had issues. I've always been close to my Dad, but over the next 1 1/2 years, he molested me about half a dozen times or more. I've mainly blocked it out. Needless to say, at 18, I got married and moved far away. It didn't come out until I was 20. No one believed me accept 1 of my brothers. I've seen my dad lie to his wife, cheat on her, abuse me, and still I love him. But I don't know how to forgive him.
My 2nd husband and I have been married for 11 years. I am 37. It's been 8 months since Dad died and I don't know what to feel. My husband pays for my Dad's every mistake. I don't trust men, I don't enjoy sex, I worry every day about being abandoned by my husband. I have been put on medication to help me cope day to day, but it still takes an effort. Depression is eatting me up.
The reason I write all of this here is 2 reasons. My Dad died of a cancerous brain tumor the size of a baseball in his left frontal lobe. When I finally went to see him, he was unable to speak or communicate. So there was not resolution.
Secondly, these have always been issues for me, but until Dad passed I was functioning quite well. When he died, it seemed to trigger all kinds of fears and anxieties from Depression to hallucinations. I don't know where to begin to feel. My poor husband is holding me together. Oh, did I mention that my husband lost his job in the middle of all of this? It's been a hell of a year. Help me understand why I love him so much and hate him so much in the same breath. How do I rationalize those feelings in my heart?