Husband Care Giver

Writing this is very difficult.  My wife has been getting treatments for about 6 months for Stage IIIA NSCLC.  She has had 34 radiation treatments and is in the middle of chemo.  The radiation was strong enough that she had 2nd degree burns on her back.  Her chemo is three sets of: 2 drugs one week, 1 drug the next week, and off a week.  She is on her second set, but has had the 1 drug treatment delayed 3 times because of bad blood counts.  She has had a platelet transfusion and a whole blood transfusion.  We go tomorrow to try to get her treatment. She is scheduled for a PET scan on Monday to see how the treatments are doing.  She should have been done with the chemo.  The radiation doctor scheduled the scan several weeks ago.

She has developed a terrible pain in her right leg and has been xrayed, that showed nothing, and last week had a bone scan.  She now spends most of her time in bed sleeping.  I help her in and out of bed and she has difficulty walking.  I usually help her get dressed because she can't lift her leg.

Our families are very supportive and we have friends who have been having us to dinner or bringing over meals.  My wife does not whine or complain.

However, I am showing signs of depression.  I realize that it can be dangerous, but I can't bring myself to talk about it to anyone face to face. So, I am giving this a shot.

We have been married 40 years.  We do most thing together.  We have traveled extensively and often take our two young granddaughters on trips. I am not complaining about taking care of her and harbor no resentments.  She may very well recover and end up taking care of me some day.  We have talked about that.  During the day time goes fast, but the nights are different.  It is now well after mid-night.  I think I will go to bed.

I would be interested in relevant feedback from spouses or partners.

Thanks

JW

10 years ago my wife and I got married within less than 1 month I had been that I had Adenocarcinoma in left lung. Had the upper left lobe removed then 7 cycles of chemo every 21 days. Well its been ten years and guess what I now have BAC cancer in right center lobe. Last week the Dr. told us that tipically someone with this type las only 18 months which has greatly bothered my wife. Right now I am taking TARCEVA but will probably go on regular chemo after my next CT scan as the tumor is now 9cm(3.5").

  If you can see a professional concerning your depression. They can give you something to help. Also talk to your minister priest rabbi whatever. Talking to someone might help also. I know what you and your wife are going through. Myself I have ben on medication for depression for 9yrs now. Also no matter what hang in there

On 4/8/2008 gaeke wrote:

Writing this is very difficult.  My wife has been getting treatments for about 6 months for Stage IIIA NSCLC.  She has had 34 radiation treatments and is in the middle of chemo.  The radiation was strong enough that she had 2nd degree burns on her back.  Her chemo is three sets of: 2 drugs one week, 1 drug the next week, and off a week.  She is on her second set, but has had the 1 drug treatment delayed 3 times because of bad blood counts.  She has had a platelet transfusion and a whole blood transfusion.  We go tomorrow to try to get her treatment. She is scheduled for a PET scan on Monday to see how the treatments are doing.  She should have been done with the chemo.  The radiation doctor scheduled the scan several weeks ago.

She has developed a terrible pain in her right leg and has been xrayed, that showed nothing, and last week had a bone scan.  She now spends most of her time in bed sleeping.  I help her in and out of bed and she has difficulty walking.  I usually help her get dressed because she can't lift her leg.

Our families are very supportive and we have friends who have been having us to dinner or bringing over meals.  My wife does not whine or complain.

However, I am showing signs of depression.  I realize that it can be dangerous, but I can't bring myself to talk about it to anyone face to face. So, I am giving this a shot.

We have been married 40 years.  We do most thing together.  We have traveled extensively and often take our two young granddaughters on trips. I am not complaining about taking care of her and harbor no resentments.  She may very well recover and end up taking care of me some day.  We have talked about that.  During the day time goes fast, but the nights are different.  It is now well after mid-night.  I think I will go to bed.

I would be interested in relevant feedback from spouses or partners.

Thanks

JW

I receive Cancer Compass because I have a very good friend who has advanced prostate cancer, have lost a friend to breast cancer, and my father, as well.  Last December I lost my husband to congestive heart failure, and although your wifes' illness is different, the situation is the same.  It's normal to get depressed, as I did, when you see what was once a vibrant person, get so sick.  I was married 37 years, but we were together for 40 years.  I know that no words will comfort you now, but  somehow you do survive.  You do what you have to do every day for her and for yourself and somehow you get the strength inside you to go on.  I hope your wife will improve.  Just keep going and you'll get through whatever happens.  I don't know anything about your wifes' illness:  I never heard of it before.  I just wanted you to know that others out there also have taken care of a beloved spouse and know exactly how you feel.  People say they can "imagine" what you're going through.  People who have gone through it, or who are going through it, know, they don't "imagine," they know.  Somehow you'll find the strength to do what you have to do.

Over the years, when dealing with the dying or illness of a loved one, I've had times when I sought out a therapist because I couldn't express (or even recognize) all that I was feeling to a friend or collegue.  Frankly, it was never satifying for me and I rarely went back for additional sessions.  I now as facing was is largely regarded to be a terminal brain tumor.  Out of despreration, I tried again -- this time I met with a psychologist who specialized in neuro-onclogy and psychology.   It had helped enormously.  She knows what questions to ask to get me in touch with my emotions and practical concerns.  She remembers everything. 

 I understand at least some of your predicament and my advice is to find a therapist with directly relevant experience and give it a try.

 Good luck,

RL 

It is very normal to be depressed. Don't give up on yourself.

I was diagnosed with Stage IV Adenocarcinoma with metastisis to the lung. I was told I had maybe a year to live. I was 42. That was 2004.

What your wife is going through is very difficult.  I had 52 radiation treatments and four months of chemotherapy. There are so many side effects from those treatments, there are far too many to list. Your wife is experiencing some of them, and it is natural. I had transfusions as well. However,  I drove myself to all of my treatments. I never quit working. I needed a reason to get up every morning. Something that kept me focused away from the matter at hand. I had bad days, and days that I couldn't go to work, but overall, I did well.

The worst thing you can do is put too much focus on it. Reading about it all day, talking about it all day.  It needs to be something that is going on in your life that you can push to the back burner, and focus on the meaningful things. It is very easy to become engrossed in the whole "cancer" thing, and it is very easy to get depressed and sad when you do.  Instead of searching the internet for "cancer".... search for "cancer survivors". The stories are encouraging and they make you feel good.

My husband was working out of town during my treatment, so I was pretty much on my own. There were nights that my bones hurt so bad, I just wanted to throw in the towel and get out of the pain. I knew that wasn't the right answer though.  I knew there was a reason for me to keep fighting.

Try to go to a cancer support group meeting, or maybe visit a pastor at a church nearby. It is very normal to be depressed.  On the other hand... our attitudes play a huge role in our recovery, and also in the support of those who are sick. 

I have never believed that I couldn't make it through this. I told my doctor when he gave me my diagnosis that he was wrong, and I would prove it to him.

 Get support, and don't give up.  Just think positive and try to focus away from the cancer as much as you can.

    My with and I fought tooth & toenail against Pancreatic Cancer for 13 months.  Our Faith, family and friends provided our strength.  I too found it difficult to talk face to face with people.... so I sent an almost daily email which detailed our progress each day, to all those friends wanting on the mail list.  It was my daily 'medicine'.  I was therefore able to avoid repeating the same story over & over which can be a chore and depressing and people knew how to best assist us when we needed assistance.  Additionally, I refused to consider my plight in all of this; while there was so much as an ounce of hope, my focus was entirely on my wife.  I could wait.  I think that helped avoid depression along the way.

   I find now that she's gone Home that depression sneaks up on me.  In my view admitting our falling into occasional depression is a big first step.  It's a normal part of life, don't give into it and don't deny it; embrace it.  Seek help if it's overpowering. Don't be ashamed.  The good Lord made us this way.  It's a relief valve.      I'll pray for you and as Churchill said "never give up"

Dear JW,

My spouse of 27 years has had a very rare form of ovarian cancer since 1995. The last
three years has been rough. I understand about the depression and
overwhelming moments. An earlier responder noted "how easy it is to get engrossed in the whole cancer thing and try to somehow put it on the back burner". That is good advice. I am an RN actively working in the Intensive Care Unit. I have access to doctors and understand the terminology of the "medical community". Not knowing the terminology can leave you perplexed and unsure as to what the heck they really meant and what the approach really means makes it hard to "put it on the back burner". Personally, I have been able to follow the back burner advice some of the time but only when I was convinced that the care my wife was receiving was the correct approach. As her case is rare, I had a great deal of homework to do. The most important thing to do is to insure the "CORRECT DIAGNOSIS". Often it is straight forward, sometimes it is not. For me and maybe for you too, once you become convinced that the path she is on is the proper one, you can relax a bit and put the result in God's hands knowing that you have done all you can. However, being convinced of the "right approach" has not always been easy. We are currently working through our 14th oncologist since 1995. and have experienced 2 surgeries and several chemotherapies, including clinical trials. Many of the therapies showed early promise only to fail. I have found most of the onco docs very good and truly believed in their tx. They had genuine concern for my wife and were able to explain to us the theory behind the tx. If the onco docs do not do this for you, hopefully, you can go to another one. They are NOT all created equal. Currently, her last trial which initially had shown promise, has failed. Over the years we have traveled to the Cancer Treatment Center in Chicago, U of A in Tucson,  Onco docs in Phoenix and San Diego. Now we are scheduled at MD Anderson in Houston, which is a long way from our Sedona Arizona home. Once you find a treatment and you are convinced it is the best choice at the moment, let it go. Don't loose your identity to the cancer process. Have your support group take over the "watch" while you go do something i.e. a Ballgame, a dumb movie, bowling anything that doesn't requiring a lot of thought.

Hang in there. You may find some comfort in knowing you have done all you can do.

Blessings to you 

JS , caregiver in Sedona 

My husband has been battling a brain tumor for over 25 years.  It has been a slow growing tumor which was mostly monitored because it is located in his communication center.  A year and a half ago it increased to 4 centimeters and required surgery.  The surgery left him unable to talk except in jibberish because it affected the muscles that make the sounds.  He uses a walker because of extreme weakness in his right side and wears a diaper all the time.  He sleeps most of the day.  Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing by consenting to the surgery.  We have been married 42 years.  I long for the days when our life was normal.  I know that longing will not change the reality.  I have to work all the time at reminding myself not to feel guilty because he is sick and I am well.  I cannot help that fact, and somehow I have to go on.  I am taking 2 types of antidepression drugs and have been to a therapist.  We have 3 adult sons who are very resentful about "losing" their dad at such a young age, and sometimes that resentment is directed at me since I am the main caregiver.  My husband is 60 years old and has a PhD and can't even print his name.  I've read all kinds of caregiver books, and I am trying to hold this family together.  You're married and yet you're not.  I have someone coming in 5 hrs. a day to help with his care and I try to get out to lunch or shopping.  Unless you go through something like this you cannot imagine the pain.  Guilt and loneliness are the hardest to overcome.  I cannot even have a conversation with him.  My husband was and is a good man, and I respect him but truth be told I lost him a long time ago.  I pray everyday to give me strength and I will pray for you, too.

Diane

I am going through my  cancer journey and my husband is there for me 100 % of the way. Depression is a disease of your mind brought upon yourself because of the situation you are in. Your wifes sickness is serious but is treatable only if you believe in what you and her do is right.Do not programm your self that she may recover and care for you some day. You should think that she must recover and than you will go places with her, do things together again and  live your life to the fullest.

Start reading funny stories to your wife, books, funny videos...make life fortifying vegetable juices and start reading about alternative help also.

There is help you just need to find the right one for your wife.

Personally I do not believe in depression and you can get yourself out of it without damaging effects of the pharmaceutical drugs.

Be there for your wife ...she needs you tremendously...don't feel sorry for her give her what she needs and obly you can do this! No doctor will give her what you can.

You might want to mention your situation to your primary care doctor.  Newer antidepressants are better than those which were available years back and they do usually work, in my job as a medical transcriber, I  frequently  hear of benefits from these drugs.  The doctor can probably help you with meds or point you to a counselor. Feelings of being ashamed of this common mental difficulty are normal for men and also for women but do talk to a professional about your problem.  My husband  of 40 years has lung cancer, advanced, has been through radiation and chemotherapy and now has decided to just take some herbs and enjoy as much as possible whatever time he has left.  He has good days and some that are not.   If you  believe in  prayer, that is a plus.  God can do what man and medicine cannot do.